The Big Hiatus
Hey fans –
I have some sad news to announce to you all – due to my new job, I’m now a whole lot busier and will be putting my blogging on hiatus. I’m not sure who still reads this silly site, but I wanna thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you.
I hope very much to start writing again for you someday. Until then, may Sarah Palin bless you…
-Your benevolent editor
The White House Needs a Black Light
Things are getting…disgusting at the White House, as President Obama has blundered into a really unpleasant rhetorical issue in his quest to secure stronger gun control laws.
This latest contoversy started last week, when the President told the New Republic that he enjoys going skeet shooting while at Camp David. The Right has cried foul, suggesting that President Obama is faking his interest in skeet shooting to seem more reasonable on gun control. The White House for it’s part has fought back, mocking these conservative skeet critics of being “skeeters”.
Well I am here to tell you that all this talk of “skeet” has some intended rhetorical consequences. Indeed, there hasn’t been this much discussion of White House skeeting since the Clinton Impeachment!
As any fan of Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins will tell you, “skeet” is a slang term for – well, just ask your parents. Or any and all of Ke$ha’s bedding (I’m kidding she doesn’t have bedding she sleeps in a dumpster). I’m not positive the White House knows this though. For instance, Former White House advisor David Plouffe recently began a tweet with the phrase “Attn skeet Birthers.” Clearly he was unaware of the double entendre; sure “skeet” comes before “birth”, but that’s not Plouffe probably meant. Further more, when Plouffe encouraged all the haters to photoshop the image (seen above) of Obama shooting skeet, I feel like he didn’t anticipate the many giant wangs that will undoubtedly replace the shotgun.
The question is where is Anderson Cooper in all this? His Tea Party/Teabagger double entendre really set the bar for make political sex puns. Is he really going to let Obama’s skeet get away from him? Yes, as many suspect, Anderson Cooper loves skeet.
We’ll let you know more about them creamy, hot skeet story as it spurts forth.
Guy Fieri to ruin wine now, too
Although he may look like the fat cherubs of antiquity, Guy Fieri now has decided to become a modern-day Bacchus: According to the New York Daily News, Fieri has entered the wine game, purchasing a five acre vineyard in Sonoma where he intends to produce wine under the name “Hunt and Ryde” (after his two children Hunter S. Thompson and Ryder Strong).
So what does this TV Chef know about the booze industry, especially since last year the New York Times, in reviewing his Times Square restaurant, declared that his watermelon margarita “(tasted) like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?” Well we have a feeling that Fieri will add his signature dash of mental retardation to Hunt and Ryde Vineyards, too. In fact, here’s a list of the varietals that the winery’s bleached beached whale of an owner plans to produce:
Pumped up Pinot Grigio – A light and crisp wine with hints of wasabi and chipotle mayo.
Kickin’ Chianti – A robust red smothered in 12-hour-roasted pulled pork gravy.
Sassy’ Sauvignon Blanc – A fruity blend perfect for relaxing after a trip to the Diabetes Clinic!
Chateauneuf du Jalapeno Poppers – A complex blend of red fruits and deep-fried spicy cheese.
Rockin’ Rose – A great summer drink as pink as Guy Fieri’s disgusting sunburned jowls.
Meh, he’ll probably just give up on the whole vineyard thing when he realizes either that Tequila doesn’t come from grapes and that the Sonoma is nowhere near Kid Rock’s house.
The Lobbyist of Victims
The partisan gridlock that has taken over Washington has effected us all: important bills don’t go passed, vital projects don’t get funded and Ed Schultz continues to have a reason to be on TV. It’s awful. But ya know who is really the biggest victim in all this? Democracy K Street Lobbyists.
Politico is reporting today that K Street Lobbying firms are in quite a funk since Congress became the Polish tank of national legislative bodies (i.e useless and eminently combustible). “This year, in particular,” notes the author “the election sucked all the oxygen out of Washington leaving K-Streeters with nothing to pitch new clients on and little work to do for existing clients.” By the way, if news about hordes of lobbyists with nothing to do tugs at your heart-strings, I have some articles about starving vampires in Transylvania to send you! (Note though that starving vampires are not the same thing as sexy vampires.)
Indeed, one study of the lobbying industry found that tragically under Obama the number of client registrations dropped from “22,709 in the third quarter of 2008 to 17,917 in the third quarter of 2012.” NOOOOO!!!
Clearly we have an endangered species on our hands. Indeed, much like the Panda and its limited bamboo-only diet, the lobbyist subsists on a precarious diet of shady corporate cash. Paper is a nutrient poor, and the Giant Lobbyists’ natural feeding habitat – steak restaurants and cigar bars – are shrinking fast as well. Couple that with sickos like Obama who hunt these majestic, Rolex wearing beasts for fun and we might have an extinction on our hands!
So please, won’t you help save the Giant Lobbyist today with a contribution of just $250,000 to your local influence peddler?
PS – The Coal Industry has paid me to tell you and several Congresspeople that while we must preserve the Giant Lobbyist, Polar Bears can go fuck themselves.
Obama makes gay history, gets own Bravo TV show
If you thought the nation’s first inaugural Twitter scandal was the big news of this Inaugration Day, hold on to your butts (literally and figurately): today Barack Obama became the first President ever to use the word “gay” in his inaugural address. That’s amazing news!
Oh wait. I’m being told he used the word “gay” when describing the debt ceiling as being “so fuckin’ gay bro”.
Ohhhhhh the arc of the universe is indeed long…
@Jesus@BarackObama#SecondInauguration
Barack Obama was inaugurated President again today, but none of that matters because Beyonce is so amazing he angered the Lord by tweeting! With BREATHLESS coverage, Drudge Report shared a linked confirming that while attending church before the inauguration, Obama some how tweeted “I’m honored and grateful that we have a chance to finish what we started. Our work begins today. Let’s go – BO.” Obviously, he has plenty of time to tweet in church because as someone who worships Karl Marx/Mohammed/Satan and not Jesus his was pretty free to check the ol’ Twitter account.
Of course, it COULD be that as the leader of the Free World and a 51-year-old man, Barack Obama doesn’t handle his own Twitter and that some person in his communications staff (probably some moonfaced 27 year old dickwad) tweeted that for the President while he was at church. Obama may claim to write his own tweets, but I doubt he actually sends them like the rest of us, sitting on the toilet stalking people from college and retweeting Buzz Feed articles about Top 20 Cat GIFs of 2012.
Jeez Barack, way to start of your second term with a massive Twitter scandal. What a troll.
The Partisan Dweeb
NRA eschews Gun, Mouth Control
Earlier today Barack Obama announced his new plans for gun control legislation developed in the wake of the Newtown massacre. It’s chock full of pretty reasonable things about better tracking guns, ending the sale of assault weapons and high capacity rounds and other ideas to help ameliorate this little problem we have had lately with mass shooting sprees. Note that, unlike what Alex Jones and the Far Right might have you believe, Obama did not call for money to set up internment camps for gun owners. That’ll come later I’m sure.
The NRA for its part pre-butted (my new favorite term) the Administration’s press conference by releasing the most horrifying attack ad in recent memory. The ad accuses Obama of acting like an “elitist hypocrite” for letting his daughters have armed security in schools, but not supporting the NRA’s plans to load schools up with armed guards. I’m not convinced this will win Obama to their cause – indeed, usually it’s not a very good idea to get at someone by attacking their kids. Unless of course they have really obnoxious children – Martin Sheen might let it slide if you called Charlie Sheen a deranged coke fiend. When it comes down to it, the NRA just loves attacking children I guess.
So where will this gun control legislation be successful? No one knows for sure. At the very least though the Administration’s snappy #NowIsTheTime hashtag means that they can win the Twitter war. Beating the NRA at the Twitter ground game is about as important a victory for the President here as, say, beating the NRA at Tic-Tac-Toe or Checkers. But not Russian Roulette – you know the NRA likes that one.
Trying to Finagle a Secretary named Hagel
President Barack Obama has announced that Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel, the 18th century philosopher, is his next choice for Secretary of Defense. Perhaps it was Hegel’s groundbreaking work on Dialetical Sublation and Epistimological Historicism that impressed the President enough to nominate him for this important post.
Oh, actually, after doing a little more research, it appears that Pres. Obama has nominated former Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense. My apologies. Anyway, Hagel is a Republican who has become increasingly centrist over the years (or maybe he’s held the same positions as his party has lurched farther to the right – it’s hard to tell), and is thus likely to face doggedy criticism from the Right during his confirmation process.
So what are conservatives planning to unload on this decorated Vietnam Vet (editor’s note: insert gay sex joke here)?
First of all, the GOP is convinced Hagel, like spicy food, is no friend of the Jewish people. Several years ago he inartfully referred to the power of the “Jewish Lobby” in an interview and now Sheldon Adelson and a bunch of Evangelicals are basically conspiring to have the Mossad kidnap Hagel and hold him for crimes against humanity in the Negev desert. As a Jew that pro-active search for imaginary anti-Semitism makes me proud.
Secondly, Republicans are accusing Hagel of being a homophobe. Back in 1997 (when progressive gay politics was mostly about convincing people that watching Will and Grace was not a sin), Hagel said Pres. Clinton’s openly gay nominee for ambassador to Luxembourg was unqualified for the post because of his sexuality. Hagel has since apologized for that too, both because it was insensitive and untrue – almost no country in Europe is gayer than Luxembourg. More importantly, since when have the Republicans cared about gay rights? As far as I can tell this is like wolves howling about the civil rights of sheep.
But the real reason Hagel, who as a wounded combat veteran is less than thrilled with the use of military force, terrifies the GOP is because as Secretary of Defense he might, just maybe, cut or freeze the defense budget. You see, the only spending the Right approves of is military spending, and a Secretary of Defense who doesn’t want to spend $40 billion on invisible helicopters and tank-mounted chocolate fountains and other shit like that is a threat to the GOP and their corporate masters.
Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist on this or anything. I’ll leave that up to this guy…
Make it Platinum!
As we all hunker down for another colossally dumb fight over the Debt Ceiling, a group of sneaky Jews Jewish Democrats Democrats has come up with an incredible plan to go around those stubborn House Republicans who are more or less refusing to raise the Debt Ceiling without big spending cuts and essentially threatening to have the US default on its debt and destroy the world economy if they don’t get what the want.
Paul Krugman shared this amazing solution today, sharing an idea based on a legal loophole that would allow “the Treasury to mint platinum coins in any denomination the secretary chooses. Yes, it was intended to allow commemorative collector’s items — but that’s not what the letter of the law says. And by minting a $1 trillion coin, then depositing it at the Fed, the Treasury could acquire enough cash to sidestep the debt ceiling — while doing no economic harm at all.”
The plan is so crazy and devious it might just work! Of course, Gawker rightly points out that this opens up the United States Treasury to a Ocean’s 11-style heist, but when it comes to sheer precious metal lust, I worry more about an attack from a super villain. And don’t say that’s not a legitimate concern – after all, House Republicans are threatening to blow up the world if they don’t get what they want, right? I don’t see how adding an actual super villain into the dialogue around the logic of minting a trillion dollar platinum coin makes the discussion any less serious.
As you know, Ronald Reagan laid the ground work for protecting the United States against moon-based death rays, a weapon that could be used to steal a trillion dollar coin. And while hiring the Avengers to protect the trillion dollar platinum coin would be expensive, minting said coin would allow the Obama to pay them, which is just the kind of discretionary-superhero-spending that House Republicans would never allow. The coin makes excellent sense then, especially since we could always put something kind of fun and wacky on it too!
I would however caution against taking that platinum and making one trillion dollar ring to rule them all, as it will summon the wrath of Sauron and given the Benghazi mess and the confirmation battle over Chuck Hagel the last thing the administration needs is another foreign policy headache.
E PLURIBUS MORON 