E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Bill Clinton

The White House Needs a Black Light

leave a comment »

Things are getting…disgusting at the White House, as President Obama has blundered into a really unpleasant rhetorical issue in his quest to secure stronger gun control laws.

This latest contoversy started last week, when the President told the New Republic that he enjoys going skeet shooting while at Camp David. The Right has cried foul, suggesting that President Obama is faking his interest in skeet shooting to seem more reasonable on gun control. The White House for it’s part has fought back, mocking these conservative skeet critics of being “skeeters”.

Well I am here to tell you that all this talk of “skeet” has some intended rhetorical consequences. Indeed, there hasn’t been this much discussion of White House skeeting since the Clinton Impeachment!

As any fan of Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins will tell you, “skeet” is a slang term for – well, just ask your parents. Or any and all of Ke$ha’s bedding (I’m kidding she doesn’t have bedding she sleeps in a dumpster). I’m not positive the White House knows this though. For instance, Former White House advisor David Plouffe recently began a tweet with the phrase “Attn skeet Birthers.” Clearly he was unaware of the double entendre; sure “skeet” comes before “birth”, but that’s not Plouffe probably meant. Further more, when Plouffe encouraged all the haters to photoshop the image (seen above) of Obama shooting skeet, I feel like he didn’t anticipate the many giant wangs that will undoubtedly replace the shotgun.

The question is where is Anderson Cooper in all this? His Tea Party/Teabagger double entendre really set the bar for make political sex puns. Is he really going to let Obama’s skeet get away from him? Yes, as many suspect, Anderson Cooper loves skeet.

We’ll let you know more about them creamy, hot skeet story as it spurts forth.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

DNC 2012 in Chatroulette, er, um, Charlotte

leave a comment »

A week after the Republicans met in Tampa, it was the Democrats turn to meet in Charlotte (another shitty New South city) to don funny hats and watch speakers throw political red meat at their base. Well not actual red meat – they are Democrats after all – rather, they threw political gluten-free soy-based red “meat” at the audience. Let’s review the convention, shall we?

Charlotte, N.C.: This city, home to much of nation’s banking industry, seems to be all the fun and have the pleasant atmosphere of a crowded, poorly functioning Bank of America waiting room. Replace screaming babies with Al Sharpton and the two are nearly indistinguishable.

Julian Castro: Castro sure is a charmer! I mean, it’s a shame he’s from Texas and will have trouble getting elected to statewide office. But still: that smile? That mocha skin? It makes one wonder if someone out there isn’t furiously writing erotic Spanish language fan fiction about Castro, and because of that, if someone at NPR isn’t furiously preparing a piece for Morning Edition about erotic Spanish language political fan fiction.

Michelle Obama: I don’t care if the woman’s healthy-eating campaign is meant to make us weak for the eventual invasion of the United States by U.N. troops, this woman is a national treasure! No I’m serious she is awesome. Her speech was charming, thoughtful and she’s very likeable. I have to say I loved her line about her and Barack having dinner with their tween daughters where they “(strategize about) middle school friendships.” I can just imagine the First Family, eating a dinner of boiled roots and organic pine needles, with Malia telling her father “Sarah hates Shoshanna because she is so gross and says I can’t come to her Bat Mitzvah if I stay friends with Shoshanna!” Her father pauses and knowingly replies “Listen Malia, you’ve got to stay above the fray. The old, divise politics of the Middle School Cafeteria are over. You should negotiate with Sarah. Tell her you’ll give her everything she wants but that in return you get to keep the friendship bracelet Shoshanna gave you. Remember, she didn’t build that Bat Mitzvah on her own.”

Sandra Fluke: Ugh, what a slut. Actually no, it’s hilarious that Rush Limbaugh, in trying to degrade and silence this woman, accidentally turned her into a national political figure with a potentially bright future. Kudos, Rushy!

Bill Clinton: Clinton gave a terrifically long speech. He’s just the master, ya know? If I can fay it up here for a second, he is to Madonna as Obama is to Lady Gaga. Sure they’re all talented, but when you compare them side to side you can tell who the real professional is. I will say however that by deliviering a series of “if you support…” or “if you want…” lines in his  Arkansas twang, Clinton sounded a little bit like he was telling a series of patriotic “You might be a redneck” jokes. I’m  pretty sure he almost declared “If your country has purple mountains’  majesty and purple mountain dew….you might be an American!” But hey, if nothing else, Clinton successfully out maneuvered the Republicans because, unlike Paul Ryan, his speech actually beat Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the ratings

Gabby Giffords: I have nothing sarcastic to say here. That woman is a BOSS.

Jennifer Granholm: Wow what a speech. Was she performing some sort of a cappella Jamaican dancehall rap? Actually, I think she might have just been smoking meth (she is from Michigan after all). Indeed, I’d say the only person who looked more drugged up than she did on live national television last night was Ke$ha at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Ke$ha: Hey yeah why wasn’t Ke$ha at the DNC? Lord knows the girl is at Planned Parenthood enough, relying on their services to do what alcohol, cocaine and the general stresses of homelessness can’t…

Obama: I thought this speech was just alright. I mean, he hit all the points he needed to hit, but a man can only give a crowd goosebumps so many times, ya know? I will say though that regardless of the content of his speech, even on an off night Barack Obama seems 1000 times more genuine than Romney does. Obama says what he thinks, Romney says what he thinks he should say.

Okay, I think I need a four year break from these conventions. See you in 2016 when we nominate Marco Rubio and Honey Boo Boo’s grotesque mother!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 7, 2012 at 11:15 am

Trend Watch: The Rise of the Bronies

leave a comment »

Watch out Adrian Zmed, your post-1980s nostalgia time to shine must be right around the corner if we’re all freaking out about these guys again!

I am of course talking about the new version of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”, which has developed a strong following among a small subset of adult men who call themselves diaper fetishists Bronies. Gawker is going wild for this story, and Bill Clinton even discussed it on Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me. Clearly these ponies are hot: glue factory smelter hot!

My objection here isn’t so much to the lazy reboot of a 1980s TV show, but rather the fact that the media loves to discuss these quirky Bronies and blithely ignore how upsetting this cultural subset is. I mean, there are plenty of pseudo-ironic pop-culture subcultures (anyone wanna join my Kardashian’s-as-Game-of-Thrones fan fiction club??), but they usually don’t take this much effort, nor do they make those involved seem like pedophiles.

If we must cover this trend, is there any way we could discuss this show without its unsettling, 40-year-old, mother’s-basement dwelling fans? Mitt Romney’s handlers telling him to mention bronies will not win him any votes, as there are laws keeping sex offenders from voting.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

America’s 2nd/3rd black president

leave a comment »

 

Oh sure Barack Obama might be our first President who is a black enough to scare my grandmother, but Obama’s dad jeans make him infinitely less soulful than our nation’s first black president, Bill Clinton.

Indeed, now that Herman “Not Romney or Perry” Cain is doing so well in the polls, conservative columnist Charles Hurt is asking the obvious question: is our country ready for the inevitable Cain presidency? Hurt, who is exactly this funky fresh looking, seems to think he knows a thing or two about “the blacks”, okay? Hurt tells us that Democrats will never tolerate a conservative African-American president because “liberals…cannot abide a successful, independent-minded black who dares to step out of line and reject the enslavement of the Plantation Party.”

Man is Hurt down with the brothers! Everyone knows African Americans love being called “a black” by a guy who looks like the head of their college’s Young Republicans association. Also, I’m sure black Americans adore being told that the party that they have become so central to molding over the past 50 years is “the plantation party”.

If you jive turkeys couldn’t tell I’m being sarcastic. It’s language like this that shows that while conservatives are happy to pay lip service to this month’s Not-Romney, even a poor-people hating conservative dickbag like Herman Cain still makes them clutch at their wallets and purses. So while most Americans are just as ready for their 2nd/3rd black president as they were for Obama, conservatives like Hurt clearly are not.

To be fair Cain won’t win anyway ~sobs~, so really we should also ask ourselves if America is ready for it’s first conservative lesbian president, conservative Eskimo president, conservative butternut squash president…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

Presidential Zombie Football

leave a comment »

Football is a sport that is notoriously easy on it’s players. I mean, if I read another story about a tight end turning 65 and not having massive brain damage I’m gonna puke, right?

That’s why the following announcement makes so much sense: besides NOT featuring the Minnesota Vikings, the 2011 Super Bowl will host a tribute to the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan ~a bunch of white haired country club members start jumping up and down and screaming like girls at a Justin Bieber concert~.

So I find this all a little perplexing. What does Ronald Reagan have to do with football? Sure he played the Gipper in a movie but he wasn’t an actual football player- President Ford was. And why don’t the honor other presents at sporting events the way Reagan’s ghost got handed this sweet deal? Where is the tribute to Bill Clinton at the Hawaiian Tropic Beauty Contest? Or George W. Bush at the Special Olympics (ohh 2004-burn).

Well, I guess there’s finally something that will make Republicans watch football besides the rampant homoeroticism.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 7, 2011 at 8:44 am

Half-Whitted Heroine Hat Trick

leave a comment »

Oh Sharron Angle, how could I have possibly forgotten you in my coverage of the wacky brain-dead final days of the 2010 election? I’m sowwy.

Angle, who has been the life blood of this blog (thank god), proved how much she knows about blood lines a few days ago, when at an event hosted by a Las Vegas high school’s Hispanic Student Union, she proved her self an able eugenicist. How retro!

Angle told the Hispanic crowd “I don’t know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me”, and that “we are a melting pot in this country”. That crack pot Angle even considers herself part of the melting pot, announcing that she’s “been called the first Asian legislator in our Nevada State Assembly.”

That would of course be a great accomplishment were it true, except that Angle is no more Asian than the Hispanic students she thought looked Chinese. Is she trying a “Bill Clinton is the first black president” thing? Because I’ve seen this woman’s grasp of economics and she clearly doesn’t have any of those famous Asian math skills.

Between Angle’s asian imagination and Rand Paul and the Aqua Buddha, one thing is now abundantly clear: the Tea Party has been infiltrated by ninjas!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 20, 2010 at 3:55 pm