E PLURIBUS MORON

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The Big Hiatus

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Hey fans –

I have some sad news to announce to you all – due to my new job, I’m now a whole lot busier and will be putting my blogging on hiatus. I’m not sure who still reads this silly site, but I wanna thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you.

I hope very much to start writing again for you someday. Until then, may Sarah Palin bless you…

-Your benevolent editor

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 28, 2013 at 9:53 pm

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The White House Needs a Black Light

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Things are getting…disgusting at the White House, as President Obama has blundered into a really unpleasant rhetorical issue in his quest to secure stronger gun control laws.

This latest contoversy started last week, when the President told the New Republic that he enjoys going skeet shooting while at Camp David. The Right has cried foul, suggesting that President Obama is faking his interest in skeet shooting to seem more reasonable on gun control. The White House for it’s part has fought back, mocking these conservative skeet critics of being “skeeters”.

Well I am here to tell you that all this talk of “skeet” has some intended rhetorical consequences. Indeed, there hasn’t been this much discussion of White House skeeting since the Clinton Impeachment!

As any fan of Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins will tell you, “skeet” is a slang term for – well, just ask your parents. Or any and all of Ke$ha’s bedding (I’m kidding she doesn’t have bedding she sleeps in a dumpster). I’m not positive the White House knows this though. For instance, Former White House advisor David Plouffe recently began a tweet with the phrase “Attn skeet Birthers.” Clearly he was unaware of the double entendre; sure “skeet” comes before “birth”, but that’s not Plouffe probably meant. Further more, when Plouffe encouraged all the haters to photoshop the image (seen above) of Obama shooting skeet, I feel like he didn’t anticipate the many giant wangs that will undoubtedly replace the shotgun.

The question is where is Anderson Cooper in all this? His Tea Party/Teabagger double entendre really set the bar for make political sex puns. Is he really going to let Obama’s skeet get away from him? Yes, as many suspect, Anderson Cooper loves skeet.

We’ll let you know more about them creamy, hot skeet story as it spurts forth.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Guy Fieri to ruin wine now, too

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Although he may look like the fat cherubs of antiquity, Guy Fieri now has decided to become a modern-day Bacchus: According to the New York Daily News, Fieri has entered the wine game, purchasing a five acre vineyard in Sonoma where he intends to produce wine under the name “Hunt and Ryde” (after his two children Hunter S. Thompson and Ryder Strong).

So what does this TV Chef know about the booze industry, especially since last year the New York Times, in reviewing his Times Square restaurant, declared that his watermelon margarita “(tasted) like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?” Well we have a feeling that Fieri will add his signature dash of mental retardation to Hunt and Ryde Vineyards, too. In fact, here’s a list of the varietals that the winery’s bleached beached whale of an owner plans to produce:

Pumped up Pinot Grigio – A light and crisp wine with hints of wasabi and chipotle mayo.

Kickin’ Chianti – A robust red smothered in 12-hour-roasted pulled pork gravy.

Sassy’ Sauvignon Blanc – A fruity blend perfect for relaxing after a trip to the Diabetes Clinic!

Chateauneuf du Jalapeno Poppers – A complex blend of red fruits and deep-fried spicy cheese.

Rockin’ Rose – A great summer drink as pink as Guy Fieri’s disgusting sunburned jowls.

Meh, he’ll probably just give up on the whole vineyard thing when he realizes either that Tequila doesn’t come from grapes and that the Sonoma is nowhere near Kid Rock’s house.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm

The Lobbyist of Victims

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The partisan gridlock that has taken over Washington has effected us all: important bills don’t go passed, vital projects don’t get funded and Ed Schultz continues to have a reason to be on TV. It’s awful. But ya know who is really the biggest victim in all this? Democracy K Street Lobbyists.

Politico is reporting today that K Street Lobbying firms are in quite a funk since Congress became the Polish tank of national legislative bodies (i.e useless and eminently combustible). “This year, in particular,” notes the author “the election sucked all the oxygen out of Washington leaving K-Streeters with nothing to pitch new clients on and little work to do for existing clients.” By the way, if news about hordes of lobbyists with nothing to do tugs at your heart-strings, I have some articles about starving vampires in Transylvania to send you! (Note though that starving vampires are not the same thing as sexy vampires.)

Indeed, one study of the lobbying industry found that tragically under Obama the number of client registrations dropped from “22,709 in the third quarter of 2008 to 17,917 in the third quarter of 2012.” NOOOOO!!!

Clearly we have an endangered species on our hands. Indeed, much like the Panda and its limited bamboo-only diet, the lobbyist subsists on a precarious diet of shady corporate cash. Paper is a nutrient poor, and the Giant Lobbyists’ natural feeding habitat – steak restaurants and cigar bars – are shrinking fast as well. Couple that with sickos like Obama who hunt these majestic, Rolex wearing beasts for fun and we might have an extinction on our hands!

So please, won’t you help save the Giant Lobbyist today with a contribution of just $250,000 to your local influence peddler?

PS – The Coal Industry has paid me to tell you and several Congresspeople that while we must preserve the Giant Lobbyist, Polar Bears can go fuck themselves.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm

Obama makes gay history, gets own Bravo TV show

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If you thought the nation’s first inaugural Twitter scandal was the big news of this Inaugration Day, hold on to your butts (literally and figurately): today Barack Obama became the first President ever to use the word “gay” in his inaugural address. That’s amazing news!

Oh wait. I’m being told he used the word “gay” when describing the debt ceiling as being “so fuckin’ gay bro”.

Ohhhhhh the arc of the universe is indeed long…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

@Jesus@BarackObama#SecondInauguration

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Barack Obama was inaugurated President again today, but none of that matters because Beyonce is so amazing he angered the Lord by tweeting! With BREATHLESS coverage, Drudge Report shared a linked confirming that while attending church before the inauguration, Obama some how tweeted “I’m honored and grateful that we have a chance to finish what we started. Our work begins today. Let’s go – BO.” Obviously, he has plenty of time to tweet in church because as someone who worships Karl Marx/Mohammed/Satan and not Jesus his was pretty free to check the ol’ Twitter account.

Of course, it COULD be that as the leader of the Free World and a 51-year-old man, Barack Obama doesn’t handle his own Twitter and that some person in his communications staff (probably some moonfaced 27 year old dickwad) tweeted that for the President while he was at church. Obama may claim to write his own tweets, but I doubt he actually sends them like the rest of us, sitting on the toilet stalking people from college and retweeting Buzz Feed articles about Top 20 Cat GIFs of 2012.

Jeez Barack, way to start of your second term with a massive Twitter scandal. What a troll.

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January 21, 2013 at 5:10 pm

The Partisan Dweeb

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Uber-liberal former Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich is probably best remembered for running goofy, failed campaigns to become President of the United States and serious, successful campaigns to become President of Fern Gully. Now he has a whole new chance to expand his legacy, as it was announced yesterday that he will become a contributor to Fox News.
If I knew how to say this to him in Elvish I would, but sadly I don’t so here goes in English: Don’t Dennis! Fox News only hired you to make fun of you!
Fox News has a long history of hiring dorky, submissive nerdlinger liberals to go up against their burly, uber-mensch Conservatives. I mean, Alan Colmes has both the rhetorical might and upper body strength of an 8-year-old girl. Dennis Kucinich isn’t going to fair a whole lot better. In fact, that Sean Hannity is exactly the type of lunkhead jock who would invite a spaz like Kucinich on his show just so that he can give the former Congressman a swirly!
Of course, it’s not like Fox News is the only partisan cable outlet that hires dweebs from the other end of the political spectrum to appear balanced while actually only making the partisans from their side look better. MSNBC has a number of “conservatives” on retainer like former DNC Chairman Michael Steele whose conservative-for-MSNBC political beliefs match up eerily well with Juan Williams’ liberal-for-Fox-News beliefs. Steele definitely appears to be a delicate nerd, although that might be because compared to Rachel Maddow anyone would look feminine.
So kudos Fox News! You’ve found yourself a fine punching bag…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 17, 2013 at 5:21 pm

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