E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Twitter

The White House Needs a Black Light

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Things are getting…disgusting at the White House, as President Obama has blundered into a really unpleasant rhetorical issue in his quest to secure stronger gun control laws.

This latest contoversy started last week, when the President told the New Republic that he enjoys going skeet shooting while at Camp David. The Right has cried foul, suggesting that President Obama is faking his interest in skeet shooting to seem more reasonable on gun control. The White House for it’s part has fought back, mocking these conservative skeet critics of being “skeeters”.

Well I am here to tell you that all this talk of “skeet” has some intended rhetorical consequences. Indeed, there hasn’t been this much discussion of White House skeeting since the Clinton Impeachment!

As any fan of Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins will tell you, “skeet” is a slang term for – well, just ask your parents. Or any and all of Ke$ha’s bedding (I’m kidding she doesn’t have bedding she sleeps in a dumpster). I’m not positive the White House knows this though. For instance, Former White House advisor David Plouffe recently began a tweet with the phrase “Attn skeet Birthers.” Clearly he was unaware of the double entendre; sure “skeet” comes before “birth”, but that’s not Plouffe probably meant. Further more, when Plouffe encouraged all the haters to photoshop the image (seen above) of Obama shooting skeet, I feel like he didn’t anticipate the many giant wangs that will undoubtedly replace the shotgun.

The question is where is Anderson Cooper in all this? His Tea Party/Teabagger double entendre really set the bar for make political sex puns. Is he really going to let Obama’s skeet get away from him? Yes, as many suspect, Anderson Cooper loves skeet.

We’ll let you know more about them creamy, hot skeet story as it spurts forth.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

@Jesus@BarackObama#SecondInauguration

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Barack Obama was inaugurated President again today, but none of that matters because Beyonce is so amazing he angered the Lord by tweeting! With BREATHLESS coverage, Drudge Report shared a linked confirming that while attending church before the inauguration, Obama some how tweeted “I’m honored and grateful that we have a chance to finish what we started. Our work begins today. Let’s go – BO.” Obviously, he has plenty of time to tweet in church because as someone who worships Karl Marx/Mohammed/Satan and not Jesus his was pretty free to check the ol’ Twitter account.

Of course, it COULD be that as the leader of the Free World and a 51-year-old man, Barack Obama doesn’t handle his own Twitter and that some person in his communications staff (probably some moonfaced 27 year old dickwad) tweeted that for the President while he was at church. Obama may claim to write his own tweets, but I doubt he actually sends them like the rest of us, sitting on the toilet stalking people from college and retweeting Buzz Feed articles about Top 20 Cat GIFs of 2012.

Jeez Barack, way to start of your second term with a massive Twitter scandal. What a troll.

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January 21, 2013 at 5:10 pm

Uhh Congressman? Your Tiberias is showing.

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Rep. Kevin Yoder, a Kansas Republican, is in some hot, algae smelling water today after “a published report revealed the freshman lawmaker swam nude in the Sea of Galilee during a private fact-finding trip to the Mideast last August” The fact finding mission was of course to learn about Israel’s public nudity laws.

Yoder has apologized, saying “the gravity of the situation and the actions I’ve taken are not lost on me, and I feel certainly regret at what has occurred, and I just want to apologize to my constituents for a momentary lapse in judgment.” Jeez I don’t know if Rep. Yoder is being extra-sensitive because Americans can’t stop googling shirtless photos of Republicans lately or because the Sea of Galilee was like, where Jesus and his friends had a summer share but I don’t get this.

I mean, do you think it’s because of the high correlation between national interest in skinny dipping (e.g. Sweden and Norway) and bloated Socialist nanny states? The Republican party should be on its hands and knees thanking the lord that the Congressman’s junk was only in a historically significant lake and not in, say, a tweet or Congressional page.

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August 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

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Panda Sexpress

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As a Twitter user, I’ve come to learn that not all things need to be tweeted. Like Panda fucking. Panda fucking is not an appropriate Twitter topic.

I say this because this weekend the National Zoo live-tweeted the artificial insemination of their panda Mei Xiang. Okay so maybe it wasn’t fucking but still, the hashtag #pandauterus did not catch fire the way the Zoo had perhaps envisioned.

And why artificially inseminate a panda anyway? I thought bamboo was an aphrodisiac. Well, zoo officials said that they had earlier “determined Mei Xiang and male giant panda, Tian Tian, were not breeding naturally” and thus a human intervention was needed. Now I know what you’re thinking: Tian Tian is a homo. But couldn’t it also be possible that he doesn’t want his sex life live-tweeted by a bunch of horny zoologist perverts? Even pandas can get performance anxiety.

So calm down @NationalZooPandaFucking.

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May 1, 2012 at 8:55 am

Does Fluke like Fish?

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Sandra Fluke, who if she starts to use cocaine is just the right level of fame to make an excellent reality TV show “celebrity”, got engaged yesterday to that boyfriend (whose sperm, like alfalfa, our government paying not reach its full fertility capacity). That’s sweet.

But did you know that this famous contraception user is also a lesbian? Or she is according to Fox News commentator/Satan’s cheerleader girlfriend Monica Crowley, who reacted to the news of Fluke’s engagement by tweeting “To a man?” Now, I’m not one to pay attention to anything Monica Crowley says, but that low blow was both mean-spirited and totally intellectually inconsistent. I thought the Right agreed with Limbaugh that Fluke was a dick hungry liberal monster, not a clam hungry dyke of a sea otter. Come on folks: keep your messaging together.

Oh wait, I get it now! Fluke is a lesbian because she is a woman who wanted to testify before Congress. Only rug-munchers do that. Now we know why Darrell Issa held that congressional hearing on women’s reproductive issues without inviting any women: he was trying to save women from the bondage of Birkenstocks and hemp maxipads.

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April 27, 2012 at 8:29 am

SOPA hates Kitten videos, Baffin Island

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The Internet is broken today! Or rather a lot of websites are protesting an anti-Internet piracy bill before the Congress called SOPA. The bill, which is pretty darn draconian, has led some of the country’s premier websites (well, non-porn websites) to publically protest. This has ruined my life.

Oh sure, Google’s nod to censorship is all well and good, but Wikipedia has shut down for the day. Do you know what that has done to my work ethic? I spent 20 minutes at work yesterday reading Wikipedia articles about the two largest Canadian Arctic islands. What am I supposed to do now? Not learn about the geography of Nunavut and do my work? That’s some bullshit right there.

And what business does the Congress have regulating the Internet anyway? 80% of Congress is so old and out of it that they’d be lucky to have a Compuserv account, and the other 20% is busy tweeting cock pix/posting Craigslist ads for Tranny masseuses. I mean, I’m all for copyright protection, but to a certain degree I think the industry producing the material may be responsible for protecting their goods—the law can punish those who break into your house, but if you don’t properly lock your door you bare a level of responsibility, too. All this suggests that the internet may just have too many shades of grey, too many crazy different uses to be legislated so broadly and by people who are pretty fucking clueless.

So please, make a stink about SOPA to your friends and Congresspeople so that I may have my beloved Wikipedia back. Seriously I’m going into withdrawl here…

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January 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Teenage Social Network Assassins, Attack!

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The days of politicians half-heartedly embracing social media (well, non-perverted social media) are over! It seems like Tila Tequila, Tori Spelling and other relentlessly useless famous people, politicos just spend all day having people google their names.

Take Kansas Governor Sam Brownback, whose office, in an attempt no doubt to make sure that no one in his state was using birth control, came across a nasty tweet from High School senior Emma Sullivan. Sullivan tweeted “Just made mean comments at gov. brownback and told him he sucked, in person”, which led the Governor’s office to contact her school and demand she apologize.

Now before you say that this is a ridiculous waste of the Governor’s office’s time and a really weird abuse of executive authority, high ranking members of Gov. Brownback’s office have leaked me classified documents explaining what happened:

You see, when taking office the Governor began a covert mission establishing an elite squad of bitchy 15 year old girls to monitor his social media presense, making sure that no one calls him a “fat skank” or says “he totally gave an over the pants handjob to that loser Kyle Wilson.” Modeled off of Qadaffi’s Amazonian guard, these Myspace Ninja’s may not break necks, but they certainly can cause lifelong self-loathing and eating disorders, which in a way is much much more devastating.

Sullivan has declared she won’t apologize, but I think we can all agree if she doesn’t want a cunty cyber throwing star in her back, this HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT will do the right thing and apologize for hurting A FUCKING GOVERNOR’S feelings.

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November 28, 2011 at 11:23 am