E PLURIBUS MORON

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Posts Tagged ‘Fox News

The Partisan Dweeb

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Uber-liberal former Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich is probably best remembered for running goofy, failed campaigns to become President of the United States and serious, successful campaigns to become President of Fern Gully. Now he has a whole new chance to expand his legacy, as it was announced yesterday that he will become a contributor to Fox News.
If I knew how to say this to him in Elvish I would, but sadly I don’t so here goes in English: Don’t Dennis! Fox News only hired you to make fun of you!
Fox News has a long history of hiring dorky, submissive nerdlinger liberals to go up against their burly, uber-mensch Conservatives. I mean, Alan Colmes has both the rhetorical might and upper body strength of an 8-year-old girl. Dennis Kucinich isn’t going to fair a whole lot better. In fact, that Sean Hannity is exactly the type of lunkhead jock who would invite a spaz like Kucinich on his show just so that he can give the former Congressman a swirly!
Of course, it’s not like Fox News is the only partisan cable outlet that hires dweebs from the other end of the political spectrum to appear balanced while actually only making the partisans from their side look better. MSNBC has a number of “conservatives” on retainer like former DNC Chairman Michael Steele whose conservative-for-MSNBC political beliefs match up eerily well with Juan Williams’ liberal-for-Fox-News beliefs. Steele definitely appears to be a delicate nerd, although that might be because compared to Rachel Maddow anyone would look feminine.
So kudos Fox News! You’ve found yourself a fine punching bag…
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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 17, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Rice with Cooked Goose

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Let’s start by saying that this blog hasn’t featured many stories about the terrorist attack in Benghazi because it doesn’t lend itself easily to sex puns despite the fact that it was tragic, it’s not a real controversy. The Right continues to suggest that President Obama callously ignored the deaths of four Americans for political reasons – chiefled to support his re-election bid by sweeping bad news under the rug. That’s a funny thing for the Right is accuse the President of as they also callously use the death of four Americans for political reasons, dontcha think? Sadly, this whole story was just gross, but now it’s gotten even ickier (and for Obama far stickier), as UN Ambassador Susan Rice has taken the place of President Obama as the Right’s target du jour.

It all started when Rice appeared on several Sunday morning talk shows shortly after the terrorist attack claiming, as the administration believed at the time, that the deaths in Benghazi were part of violence associated with a Youtube video insulting the Prophet Muhammed. When that turned out not to be correct, the Right, who defended George Bush’s massive WMD intelligence failure, pilloried Rice for supporting this much smaller (though still terrible) intelligence failure.

Of course, now there is blood in the water and you know what that means: John McCain needs to hold a press conference. Seriously, is there an international incident which he won’t throw himself into the middle of? Justin Bieber recently wore overalls to meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister – could McCain appear on CNN to discuss that? But I digress: McCain and his canasta partner Sen. Lindsey Lohan Graham and they’re plucky young intern Sen. Kelly Ayotte demanded answers from Rice on her Libya appearances and met with her yesterday.

It did not go well.

Apparently, the meeting left the three Republican senators with “many more questions that have to be answered.” This my friends, is bullshit: McCain could have asked Susan Rice “what does 2+2 equal?” and, uponing hearing “4” would rush in front of Fox News’ camera to declare a scandal, a conspiracy and a suspicious link between “2+2=4” and the four dead Americans in Libya. In short, no answer would have satisfied the Republicans because they weren’t looking to answer any questions: they were looking to make Susan Rice and Obama look bad. And ya know what the worst part is? They did!

Ya see, Obama has boxed himself in on the issue of Susan Rice. At his first press conference after his re-election, Obama defended Rice, who people suspect will be nominated to replace Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, saying that critics of Rice’s statements on Libya ought to “go after me“, their real target instead. Well now because of that statement and Republicans raking Rice over the fire, Obama may be fucked. He’ll either nominate Rice and face a bruising, nasty and potentially unsuccessful confimation process, or he nominates someone else and looks like he either lost to the Republicans or is hiding something. Basically he can’t win and Rice’s goose appears to be cooked.

Of course, thank god the only people who care about this situation are nerds like me (and you) and the ancient racists who make up Fox News’ key demographics. The pathetic thing in all this is that no one here seems to really care about those who died in the embassy attack, it’s just cheap politics.

We’re not even addressing the real question here, which is clearly the mysterious likeness between American Ambassador Susan Rice and British singer Sade. Have they ever been seen in a room together? What does Sade (gosh that’s an awfully Muslim sounding name) know about Libya? Is she a Soldier of Love – Love for Allah??? These and more ridiculous questions will be covered by Fox News until we fall of the Fiscal Cliff. Or maybe a good War on Christmas story comes out.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

A Quick Note to Dick Morris

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I just thought I’d share a quick suggestion that I have for former Clinton pollster/America’s roundest goblin/Prostitute toe-licker Dick Morris: stop talking. As we discussed earlier, Morris made the ludicrous prediction that Mitt Romney would win in a landslide and justified this nonsense with delusional Right Wing math. Morris appeared yesterday on Hannity to explain himself, saying “Sean, I hope people aren’t mad at me about it…I spoke about what I believed and I think that there was a period of time when the Romney campaign was falling apart, people were not optimistic, nobody thought there was a chance of victory and I felt that it was my duty at that point to go out and say what I said. And at the time that I said it, I believe I was right.” All is forgiven, right guys? Morris only lied to his target audience to make them feel better because as a paid employee of Fox News that’s his job.

I think I speak for us all when I say that if you made an enormous public boner like Morris did, it’s best just to apologize, say you was wrong and move on. Stop making excuses – especially ones that make you sound less like someone who made an honest, if large mistake and more like a duplicitous piece of shit. Indeed, I suspect Morris can’t stop talking for pathological reasons, as he’d rather be in the spotlight as a liar than in the shadowy kingdom of the gnomes where he emerged from.

Of course, not one to leave an interview without saying something that shreds the fabric of human deceny and the bounds of logic, Morris ended the interview by saying “The Republican Party will recover because ultimately, this president’s policies are wrong and they’re going to lead to an economic collapse in the second term which is going to make the Republican Party look great.” Yup, nothing makes Republicans look better than enormous economic suffering! I can’t wait to eat dog meat roasted over an open garbage can fire and discuss the benefits of School Vouchers.

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November 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Talking Head/Exploding Head

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Listen I don’t want to gloat TOO much here at the Republican Party. It’s kinda mean. Indeed, as a former John Kerry supporter, I understand what they are going through right now because I also know what it’s like to watch an uninspiring Massachusetts millionaire lose an election to a guy you think is a total jackass. Still, it is VERY entertaining to see some of the conservative reactions to Obama’s impressive numbers last night. Put on your ponchos guys, you’re about to see some heads explode.

On the establishment side of things, rotting Clinton-era man-pumpkin Dick Morris, who projected a landslide victory for Romney, went on Fox and Friends to eat crow this morning. He said his predictions were off because it’s a “new America” which is just more diverse and Democrat-leaning than he expected. That’s noble of him. On the other hand, rotting Bush-era man-pumpkin Karl Rove just about lost it at his colleauges on Fox News last night when they called Ohio a bit too early for his liking. Rove, once the architect of the Bush administration, has completely jumped the shark (a not unimpressive feet for someone built like a soft-boiled egg).

But those are the people who, while not grounded in any reality, at least have some connection to politics. How about the zealot nutbags patriots?Donald Trump, a man known throughout the world for being a class act and his graciously, humble demeanor, cried out on twitter for a “revolution” and declared “the world is laughing at us”. Sorry Donald, the world is in fact laughing at you.

But the best response by far though came from comedienne and probable-undiagnosed-brain-injury-victim Victoria Jackson. Jackson, who in a cruel twist of irony was once on SNL with current U.S. Senator Al Franken, tweeted of last night’s results “Thanks a lot Christians for not showing up. You disgust me.” Her best line though was her simplest: “I can’t stop crying. America Died.” Yes, folks, America ran into the street and Barack Obama ran it over with his motorcade. Just tell the kids we sent it to a farm upstate.

Okay, I’m done gloating for now.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 7, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Election Day is the New Black (Panther Party)

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Election Day is here! And Fox News is celebrating in a classic 19th century style. No, not by handing out hard cider and promising eight glorious rounds of real Irish fisticuffsmanship, but rather by freaking out about minorities! As Politico has pointed out, the right wing news channel is “obsessed” today with covering the story of a “lone New Black Panther Party member standing outside a Philadelphia polling place.” Now as you may recall, conservatives were very upset in the early days of the Obama Administration when several members of the New Black Panther Party (who appeared to be members of the regular Black Panther Party just three decades older) who stood outside a polling place in West Philadelphia and reportedly intimidated voters. Worst of all, Attorney General Eric Holder, ne Shaka Zulu Malachai Deathtowhitey Holder, refused to press charges!

I can’t even begin to describe what is dumb about this story from 2008. Let’s focus on today’s story, which is wonderful because, of course, the man in question refused to identify himself to Fox’s crew as a member of the New Black Panther Party and reportedly engaged in the suspicious behavior of “standing outside the building, and occasionally holding the door open for voters to enter.” But that doesn’t mean he wasn’t sent here to keep you Honkies from voting!

Might I say that as a Philadelphian I am SHOCKED by this behavior. Well, not by the behavior of the elderly guy who might just be a black man in a beret, but rather that Fox News could only find ONE intimidating African American standing outside a Philadelphia polling place! You can do better with the racial dog whistles guys – I know you can. Why, Gretchen Carlson and Greta Van Sustren could hardly spend a minute on the streets of the City of Brotherly Love without losing their white conservative christian purity FOREVER! Stop re-hashing stuff from 2008 and focus on a new offensive non-story, okay?

Anyway, let me be the first to congratulate this possible “lone New Black Panther Party member” on his nomination to become Secretary of Smokin’ You Jive Turkeys for the second Obama Administration.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 6, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Docudrama Obama

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The New York Daily News, a newspaper once printed on slices of Mortadella, wrote a glowing piece today about the stunning box office success of Dinesh D’Souza’s anti-Obama screed 2016: Obama’s America. The movie, set in a dystopian future, features Justin Timberlake as a sexy robot trying to abort Amy Adams’ fetus before she can gay marry her dog. Well okay, maybe the movie is just a paranoid delusion about Obama being some sort of crypto-fascist anti-colonialist radical, but really the latter is about as grounded in reality as the former.

For its part, The Daily News focuses on the 2016’s box office success, pointing out that the film’s $18 million in box office sales is an incredible haul for a movie with “virtually no promotional budget.” This my friends is a load of bullshit: Sean Hannity devoted an entire episode of his show to the movie and Fox News spent weeks promoting it. But hey, without McDonalds Happy Meal tie-in (think wind up toys of Jeremiah Wright), it’s almost like having the total support of a multi-national cable news giant/vast right wing propoganda machine means nothing and that the movie is actually the break of sleeper hit of the summer!

There’s a lesson here for all you movie fans out there: Dinesh D’Souza reminds us that even minority film makers can produce racist garbage. Come to think of it, Michael Bay better watch out as D’Souza might just be the perfect guy to direct the next Transformers!

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September 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Fox News holds AG in Contempt!

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Breaking News: did you know that Fox News and paranoid talk radio hosts now have the ability to hold people in contempt of Congress? Yes the little know 28th Amendment let’s angry, frequently-divorced millionaires hold anyone they like in contempt before our august Congress. They just have to call someone a “slut” and presto! They’re in contempt.

Roger Ailes and his buddies will likely get to exercise this little known freedom shortly, as Attorney General Eric Holder has refused to turn over documents related to a botched ATF operation involving American firearms being smuggled into Mexico, meaning he’ll like be held in contempt. Now, only members of the conservative media thought that the operation, named “Fast and Furious” because the Attorney General is a BIG Vin Deisel fan, was a scandal. Literally no one else thought the embarassing incident amounted to anything.

Cue the Republican takeover of the House in 2010 and suddenly Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Darrell “Used car salesman” Issa took up Fox News’ unheaded battle cry and started grilling the Attorney General getting us to where we are now.

The Obama Administration for it’s part is now citing executive privledge, saying that it will not release the information Republican Inquisitors Investigators asked for in an attempt to stop contempt proceedings. Matt Drudge even has a charming photo of Obama and Nixon, that famous executive privledge lover, spliced together. Of course the Bush administration claimed executive privledge six times in eight years. But that was different! George Bush was a Republican.

Of course, being the chances of the Sargent at Arms of the House of Representatives arresting Eric Holder are about as high as say, anyone knowing what the fuck the Sargent at Arms of the House of Representatives is. Still this seems like a VERY worth while endeavor, after all, why should the committee investigating how to stop border violence be dealing with stopping border violence when there’s an Attorney General they could be arresting?

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June 20, 2012 at 1:48 pm