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The Partisan Dweeb

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Uber-liberal former Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich is probably best remembered for running goofy, failed campaigns to become President of the United States and serious, successful campaigns to become President of Fern Gully. Now he has a whole new chance to expand his legacy, as it was announced yesterday that he will become a contributor to Fox News.
If I knew how to say this to him in Elvish I would, but sadly I don’t so here goes in English: Don’t Dennis! Fox News only hired you to make fun of you!
Fox News has a long history of hiring dorky, submissive nerdlinger liberals to go up against their burly, uber-mensch Conservatives. I mean, Alan Colmes has both the rhetorical might and upper body strength of an 8-year-old girl. Dennis Kucinich isn’t going to fair a whole lot better. In fact, that Sean Hannity is exactly the type of lunkhead jock who would invite a spaz like Kucinich on his show just so that he can give the former Congressman a swirly!
Of course, it’s not like Fox News is the only partisan cable outlet that hires dweebs from the other end of the political spectrum to appear balanced while actually only making the partisans from their side look better. MSNBC has a number of “conservatives” on retainer like former DNC Chairman Michael Steele whose conservative-for-MSNBC political beliefs match up eerily well with Juan Williams’ liberal-for-Fox-News beliefs. Steele definitely appears to be a delicate nerd, although that might be because compared to Rachel Maddow anyone would look feminine.
So kudos Fox News! You’ve found yourself a fine punching bag…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 17, 2013 at 5:21 pm

DNC 2012 in Chatroulette, er, um, Charlotte

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A week after the Republicans met in Tampa, it was the Democrats turn to meet in Charlotte (another shitty New South city) to don funny hats and watch speakers throw political red meat at their base. Well not actual red meat – they are Democrats after all – rather, they threw political gluten-free soy-based red “meat” at the audience. Let’s review the convention, shall we?

Charlotte, N.C.: This city, home to much of nation’s banking industry, seems to be all the fun and have the pleasant atmosphere of a crowded, poorly functioning Bank of America waiting room. Replace screaming babies with Al Sharpton and the two are nearly indistinguishable.

Julian Castro: Castro sure is a charmer! I mean, it’s a shame he’s from Texas and will have trouble getting elected to statewide office. But still: that smile? That mocha skin? It makes one wonder if someone out there isn’t furiously writing erotic Spanish language fan fiction about Castro, and because of that, if someone at NPR isn’t furiously preparing a piece for Morning Edition about erotic Spanish language political fan fiction.

Michelle Obama: I don’t care if the woman’s healthy-eating campaign is meant to make us weak for the eventual invasion of the United States by U.N. troops, this woman is a national treasure! No I’m serious she is awesome. Her speech was charming, thoughtful and she’s very likeable. I have to say I loved her line about her and Barack having dinner with their tween daughters where they “(strategize about) middle school friendships.” I can just imagine the First Family, eating a dinner of boiled roots and organic pine needles, with Malia telling her father “Sarah hates Shoshanna because she is so gross and says I can’t come to her Bat Mitzvah if I stay friends with Shoshanna!” Her father pauses and knowingly replies “Listen Malia, you’ve got to stay above the fray. The old, divise politics of the Middle School Cafeteria are over. You should negotiate with Sarah. Tell her you’ll give her everything she wants but that in return you get to keep the friendship bracelet Shoshanna gave you. Remember, she didn’t build that Bat Mitzvah on her own.”

Sandra Fluke: Ugh, what a slut. Actually no, it’s hilarious that Rush Limbaugh, in trying to degrade and silence this woman, accidentally turned her into a national political figure with a potentially bright future. Kudos, Rushy!

Bill Clinton: Clinton gave a terrifically long speech. He’s just the master, ya know? If I can fay it up here for a second, he is to Madonna as Obama is to Lady Gaga. Sure they’re all talented, but when you compare them side to side you can tell who the real professional is. I will say however that by deliviering a series of “if you support…” or “if you want…” lines in his  Arkansas twang, Clinton sounded a little bit like he was telling a series of patriotic “You might be a redneck” jokes. I’m  pretty sure he almost declared “If your country has purple mountains’  majesty and purple mountain dew….you might be an American!” But hey, if nothing else, Clinton successfully out maneuvered the Republicans because, unlike Paul Ryan, his speech actually beat Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the ratings

Gabby Giffords: I have nothing sarcastic to say here. That woman is a BOSS.

Jennifer Granholm: Wow what a speech. Was she performing some sort of a cappella Jamaican dancehall rap? Actually, I think she might have just been smoking meth (she is from Michigan after all). Indeed, I’d say the only person who looked more drugged up than she did on live national television last night was Ke$ha at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Ke$ha: Hey yeah why wasn’t Ke$ha at the DNC? Lord knows the girl is at Planned Parenthood enough, relying on their services to do what alcohol, cocaine and the general stresses of homelessness can’t…

Obama: I thought this speech was just alright. I mean, he hit all the points he needed to hit, but a man can only give a crowd goosebumps so many times, ya know? I will say though that regardless of the content of his speech, even on an off night Barack Obama seems 1000 times more genuine than Romney does. Obama says what he thinks, Romney says what he thinks he should say.

Okay, I think I need a four year break from these conventions. See you in 2016 when we nominate Marco Rubio and Honey Boo Boo’s grotesque mother!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 7, 2012 at 11:15 am

Booin’ God Down South and Other Dumb Ideas

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Dear Democratic Delegates: please don’t boo God on national television. The DNC is not an episode of Montell and the Almighty is not someone’s no-good baby daddy. Now, you can boo God in private all you’d like (Seriously, who does God think God is? You’re all powerful but it took a whole damn week to create the universe? That’s just lazy.), but with Republicans successfully pressuring the Democratic Party to add language about God and Jerusalem as the capital of Israel into their official election platform, maybe voicing your displeasure with God in front of the nation is something you could hold off on.

Of course, it wasn’t all Democrats, but rather just a small cadre of vocal idiots who I guess wanted to get on Fox & Friends. However, as the Christian Right has the twisted world view that somehow the faithful are now victims of oppression by liberal atheists, producing stories that affirm this unhinged world view is not very good idea. In fact, I’m sure upon hearing this news, I bet Mike Huckabee got a boner. Now ask yourself liberal atheists, do you REALLY want to give Mike Huckabee a boner? No. No you don’t.

Of course, stories like this convince me more than ever that Convention Platforms are really outdated. Conventions themselves, were they not such great political theater, are really a relic of the past. Platforms were useful before the 24/7 media (ya know, when the bears attacks were a formidible obstacle to voting), but is there anyone now who doesn’t know what the Democratic Party stands for? You can watch 10 minutes of closed claptioned MSNBC at a Greek Diner on the Connecticut Turnpike and get the Democratic platform.

“Oh God” he closed, clutching his head waiting for this whole convention season to end.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 6, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Not so much “How” but “Why”

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The whitest thing in the world, after zip-lining and any grape jelly, is pretending that you are 1/32nd Native American. Let me be the first to tell you that no, you are probably not 1/32nd Native American.

I wish I had gotten this message across to Elizabeth Warren earlier, the Democratic nominee for Senate from Massachusetts who is under pressure from a bizarre scandal where she claimed special status because of her minor Native American heritage. Let me just say that it would be weird if this bizarre collective lie we tell ourselves (that great-great-great grandma banged a Cherokee warrior) derailed the campaign of this really impressive woman. It would be best I think for her just to change the subject.

Thankfully, as a Jew I know that my great-great-great grandma was just trying to flee the Kosacks, so I have no delusions of a proud Indian past. Sure, Jews pretend to be 1/32nd Sephardic (the cool Jews from the Mediterranean), but that’s just to justify eating large quantities of hummus.

Still, let’s all acknowledge how wonderful it is that we finally live in a nation where people can get in trouble for lying about being a minority, and not lying about not-being a minority. Try running for Senate in 1812 from Massachusetts and tell people you’re 1/32nd Iriquois…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 4, 2012 at 11:18 am

“This seat on Mount Olympus is fucking golden!”

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Like a sage piece of advice from Socrates or the latest news of debt restructuring, it’s best not to dwell too long on some bits of Hellenic infromation.

So we’ll leave it at this: the local Fox affiliate in Chicago got a hold of a friend of disgraced former governor/current federal inmate Rod Blagojevich. According to the friend, Blago is spending his time in prison “washing pots and pans, (but) could soon be teaching Shakespeare and Greek mythology to other inmates.” His first Greek mythology lesson? HUBRIS.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

Liberal Lemmings (potential) Lack Licks

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With the exception of being called a slut by Rush Limbaugh, liberals have had a pretty relaxed few months in this election campaign. This Super Tuesday I’m sure they were all ready to kick back, open up a nice bottle of flax juice and let the Republicans attack each other with rusty screwdrivers. But lo! Sadness could be on the horizon for America’s lefties.

The New York Times is reporting that “liberal lion” Dennis Kucinich might lose his primary today due to redistricting. I’m not sure I’d call Kucinich a “liberal lion”. Edward Kennedy, LBJ, those were liberal lions. Kucinich is more like a “liberal lemming” or perhaps a “sweet socialist salamander”. Either way, there are going to be a lot of very depressing conversations over at the organic compost club tomorrow morning should this famously left-wing congressman lose his primary.

I’d like to point out that it’s ironic too that just days after The Lorax movie made $70 million at the box office, Dennis Kucinich in all his enchanted woodland goodness may just lose his seat. Best of luck, King Representative of the Elves.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 6, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Occupy Oakland burns flag, liberal sympathy

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Flag burning is right up there with sexting and tort reform as things we are told are totally destroying America. Obviously that’s not true (our nation’s teens now lead the world in contorted sexy self-photographing!), but it is a cudgle with which conservatives like to bash liberals.

That’s why I think we should all be pretty appalled that some idiots in the crowd at Occupy Oakland burned an American Flag last night. Don’t get me wrong, the act ought to remain perfectly legal, but it’s like, why confirm everything that conservatives think about this movement? They might as well have invited Fox News cameras to watch them shoot up and worship Satan.

I don’t want to say that everyone at Occupy Oakland is this breathtakingly short-sighted and ignorant, but this protest is definitely a growing stain on the movement. Frankly, I blame Oakland’s lack of cold weather for not letting the movement have a nice and useful break to regroup. I mean, sure it’s 60 degrees today on the East Coast, but the ILLUSION of winter seems to have given Occupy Wall Street time to focus on how to act like a decent organization.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 31, 2012 at 12:35 pm