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Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Guy Fieri to ruin wine now, too

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Although he may look like the fat cherubs of antiquity, Guy Fieri now has decided to become a modern-day Bacchus: According to the New York Daily News, Fieri has entered the wine game, purchasing a five acre vineyard in Sonoma where he intends to produce wine under the name “Hunt and Ryde” (after his two children Hunter S. Thompson and Ryder Strong).

So what does this TV Chef know about the booze industry, especially since last year the New York Times, in reviewing his Times Square restaurant, declared that his watermelon margarita “(tasted) like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?” Well we have a feeling that Fieri will add his signature dash of mental retardation to Hunt and Ryde Vineyards, too. In fact, here’s a list of the varietals that the winery’s bleached beached whale of an owner plans to produce:

Pumped up Pinot Grigio – A light and crisp wine with hints of wasabi and chipotle mayo.

Kickin’ Chianti – A robust red smothered in 12-hour-roasted pulled pork gravy.

Sassy’ Sauvignon Blanc – A fruity blend perfect for relaxing after a trip to the Diabetes Clinic!

Chateauneuf du Jalapeno Poppers – A complex blend of red fruits and deep-fried spicy cheese.

Rockin’ Rose – A great summer drink as pink as Guy Fieri’s disgusting sunburned jowls.

Meh, he’ll probably just give up on the whole vineyard thing when he realizes either that Tequila doesn’t come from grapes and that the Sonoma is nowhere near Kid Rock’s house.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm

God Save the Dinner Party

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Quick, put on some pearls so that you can have something to clutch: the New York Times, America’s paper of record, is reporting the tragic death of the New York society dinner party.

Indeed, the article written by Guy Trebay (that…that can’t be a real person’s name, right?) rightly points out that dinner parties are the one thing standing between our society and TOTAL CHAOS. Speaking with noted dinner partyologist Alex Hitz, Thebay reminds us of the great New York socialite hosts, from Nan Kempner to Brooke Astor, who are now gone (and just because they were both 150 years old. Sad.) “‘Every single one was different,’ Mr. Hitz said. “What they had in common was a sense of fun and community and gathering people together for good simple food.” Ahh yes, the simple joys of the megarich serving hearty, peasant foods like truffles and caviar to other salt of the earth millionaires. Why, back then anyone, and I mean anyone, with a dormitory at Princteon named after their grandpapa was welcome at the table.

But time and the demise of good breeding aren’t strong enough to bring down dinner parties on their own. No no: there are other factors. Tembay blames lawyers too, pointing out that guests find an “additional challenge to keeping things lively (today), given that in a litigious age, that durable staple of dinner parties, the innocent flirtation, has become a minefield of signals missed or, worse yet, taken up.” When will the Supreme Court honor Barbara Bush’s wishes and address dinner party conversation tort reform???

In the end though, modern barbarism has conquered even those who simply strive to host great dinner parties. David E. Monn, prominent party planner and (likely) owner of the world’s foremost decorative teaspoon collection tells the Times “People want to be civilized, so it all doesn’t turn into Caligula, and so they come to me saying: ‘I don’t know what to do if I’m having friends over for cocktails. What tray do you use? What do you put on the tray? Do you put out a piece of cheese?’” As you can see, without dinner party planners like Monn people will soon be reduced to bashing one another in the head with cheese trays and eating each others brains!

As we rapidly approach this apocalyptic world vision, the high society dinner party-deprived masses won’t even be prepared to barter for gasoline/shotgun shells because, as Trebay tells us “(few) people still see the point in accumulating china, silver and crystal at all.” Clearly, society is doomed (although the distaste in today’s boorish youth for candlesticks has certainly reduced New York’s billiard room muder mystery rate).

What a worthy and important article. I like it’s focus on the finer aspects of the now endangered dinner party and the article’s complete disregard for the fact that fancy dinner parties require hordes of underpaid, discriminated-against servants. And how they ignored the fact that these dinner parties were only as grand as they were because, marginalized by sexism and homophobia, the great now-gone hostesses and hosts could dedicate their every energy to these elaborate events. Also, I enjoyed the way Trebay forgot to mention (or was unaware of the fact) that the middle classes STILL HOST FUCKING DINNER PARTIES. Just because Nancy Reagan isn’t at your table doesn’t mean it’s not a dinner party. But like I said I’m glad that such vulgar truths weren’t covered by the article though.

Still this piece is a really spot on spoof of what Jack Donaghy might right for the New York Times if he were an old queen/a real person.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

The Hostess with the Leastess

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Ever since Mitt Romney lost, it seems like the most oppressed minority in this country is now wealthy business owners. Pity the poor millionaire who now lives in a terrifying dystopia where he must provide healthcare coverage to his workers or face a small fee!

This brutal oppression claimed a major victim today, as snack cake purveyor Hostess announced plans to shut down, blaming their closure on an unresolved strike with the unions. The strike has idled the company’s plants, but instead of working to end the strike and re-open their business, Hostess management claims that they were forced to liquidate  because “production at about a dozen of the company’s 33 plants had been seriously affected by the strike.” That is bullshit: how could a shut down in production possibly effect Twinkies and Ding Dongs? They physically can’t rot and were invented in the 1950s to survive Soviet missile strikes (probably). No, shutting down your company because your work force is striking isn’t a legitimate business move, rather it’s closer to taking your ball and going home when things don’t go your way.

But more than just the 18,500 workers who will be out of a job because of this callous move (and of course the thousands of stoners who will be left to starve without Ring Dings), Hostess has set a horrible precedent for other companies, especially bakeries. Do we think the Keebler Elves are unionized? Because if they are I’d say they’re fucked. Bank of America will soon reclaim their bakery tree thanks to corporate greed and intransigence.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 16, 2012 at 10:59 am

Cinnabon has (pizza) topped itself this time

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As you know, our nation hasn’t been this divided by the politics of fast food since the Civil War (it was about French Fries, right?). Now however a national purveyor of cheap and fattening foods has come out with a product so horrifying I think foodie liberals and god fearing conservatives can unite in protest against its unholy and terrifying existence. I am of course talking about Cinnabon’s new product “The Pizzabon” (seen above).

I know my first reaction to the Pizzabon, which I guess is a cinnamon bun topped with cheese and tomato sauce, was “AHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! Kill it! Send it to hell with all the other Cinnabortions!” But I guess the good people at Cinnabon were confident enough in the product that it is now on sale in Georgia because, well, Georgians will eat anything. I just want to know if it comes with that horrifying sweet dipping sauce – because if it does then God have mercy on us all.

Lets hope this stays south of the Mason-Dixon line where it will be known as “a vegetable”.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Chick-fil-A-holes still in the news

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This is the story that just will not fry die: today is National Chick-fil-A Appreciation day, an event created and promoted by Former Arkansas Governor/Wanna be ol’ timey radio host Mike Huckabee to support the marriage equality hating chicken restaurant. Wait it’s National Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day and I still have to come into work? This isn’t some bullshit holiday like Columbus Day or Veterans Day! This matters! I demand a day off to stuff my face with queer bashin’ fried chicken.

Indeed, reflecting on this sacred day of prayer and togetherness, I really feel like Chick-fil-A is this summer’s Ground Zero Mosque controversy. You see, in the dog days of the summer when the “War on Christmas” is still months away, Fox News and talk radio have nothing better to do than promote some triffling story that involves debasing the civil rights of some minority group. You’d think that this year the Olympics would be distraction enough, but you’d be wrong.

From a business standpoint though, taking advantage of a slow news month like this to boost sales among the ignorant is a great strategy. Perhaps next summer Mountain Dew could come out and declare that they don’t want Muslims drinking their soda! Then Sarah Palin (after accepting a hefty kickback of $20,000 of moose meat and abortion pills) can appear on Fox News and talk about “the dangers that overtly caffeinated Terrorists pose to Tea Party American Patriots and Moms”, driving every ignorant red neck (who already make up like 50% of Mountain Dew’s sales) to guzzle more of the stuff because they think it will stop Al Qaeda. Everyone wins!

Oh America, always solving its Civil Rights issues through the medium of junk food.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 2, 2012 at 8:36 am

D.O.Chick-fil-A

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Embroiled, or should I say em-deep fried, in a major controversy about their public disdain for gay marriage, Chick-fil-A announced that its Vice President of Public Relations dropped dead of a heart attack this morning. I’m not mocking his death now, I’m just pointing out that it happened at a frankly bizarre time.

Gawker is reporting that Twitter is freaking out about this auspiciously timed death, with some suggesting that the VP dropped dead because of God’s vengeance against those promote hate against his/her/the spaghetti monster’s children. Others, seem to think it’s a liberal conspiracy. Might I suggest a third option? Perhaps a professional lifetime of eating deep-fried chicken sandwiches slathered with the condiment of bigotry (which in the case of Chick-fil-A I think is just mayo) is what made their Public Relation man’s heart to explode. Just a thought.

More importantly though, I’m about ready to announce that this controversy over Chick-fil-A and gay marriage is over. We’re setting a terrible precedent for fast food franchise politics. If we have to bomb Iran I really REALLY don’t want to know what Taco Bell thinks about it.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Lawyers to CA: Go foie yourself

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Good news for anyone who thought that California was an economic basketcase that was moments away from collapsing into the Pacific ocean: it seems that the state’s new ban on serving Foie Gras is being challenged in court. Apparently a group of concerned foie gras producers and restaranteurs is suing to strike down the amendment, claiming that is hopelessly vague and uninforcable.

Now what does this have to do with California’s economic problems? Well, I say if there are enough rich people that mad enough at the state government to sue over the ban on a supremely expensive duck liver product, then surely the state can’t be as bankrupt as we all think. If they were to ban foie gras in, say, Mississippi, I doubt anyone would sue, not only because people in Mississippi are too broke to eat that stuff but also because even saying “foie gras” outloud violates the states anti-sodomy laws.

So I say this is good news for the Golden State and it’s notoriously dysfunctional governance! If they can fix the political problems involving fatty, bloated duck liver I don’t see why they couldn’t fix the political problems with their equally fatty, bloated state government.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm