E PLURIBUS MORON

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Archive for the ‘Race and identity’ Category

Obama makes gay history, gets own Bravo TV show

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If you thought the nation’s first inaugural Twitter scandal was the big news of this Inaugration Day, hold on to your butts (literally and figurately): today Barack Obama became the first President ever to use the word “gay” in his inaugural address. That’s amazing news!

Oh wait. I’m being told he used the word “gay” when describing the debt ceiling as being “so fuckin’ gay bro”.

Ohhhhhh the arc of the universe is indeed long…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

Election Day is the New Black (Panther Party)

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Election Day is here! And Fox News is celebrating in a classic 19th century style. No, not by handing out hard cider and promising eight glorious rounds of real Irish fisticuffsmanship, but rather by freaking out about minorities! As Politico has pointed out, the right wing news channel is “obsessed” today with covering the story of a “lone New Black Panther Party member standing outside a Philadelphia polling place.” Now as you may recall, conservatives were very upset in the early days of the Obama Administration when several members of the New Black Panther Party (who appeared to be members of the regular Black Panther Party just three decades older) who stood outside a polling place in West Philadelphia and reportedly intimidated voters. Worst of all, Attorney General Eric Holder, ne Shaka Zulu Malachai Deathtowhitey Holder, refused to press charges!

I can’t even begin to describe what is dumb about this story from 2008. Let’s focus on today’s story, which is wonderful because, of course, the man in question refused to identify himself to Fox’s crew as a member of the New Black Panther Party and reportedly engaged in the suspicious behavior of “standing outside the building, and occasionally holding the door open for voters to enter.” But that doesn’t mean he wasn’t sent here to keep you Honkies from voting!

Might I say that as a Philadelphian I am SHOCKED by this behavior. Well, not by the behavior of the elderly guy who might just be a black man in a beret, but rather that Fox News could only find ONE intimidating African American standing outside a Philadelphia polling place! You can do better with the racial dog whistles guys – I know you can. Why, Gretchen Carlson and Greta Van Sustren could hardly spend a minute on the streets of the City of Brotherly Love without losing their white conservative christian purity FOREVER! Stop re-hashing stuff from 2008 and focus on a new offensive non-story, okay?

Anyway, let me be the first to congratulate this possible “lone New Black Panther Party member” on his nomination to become Secretary of Smokin’ You Jive Turkeys for the second Obama Administration.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 6, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Chick-fil-A-holes still in the news

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This is the story that just will not fry die: today is National Chick-fil-A Appreciation day, an event created and promoted by Former Arkansas Governor/Wanna be ol’ timey radio host Mike Huckabee to support the marriage equality hating chicken restaurant. Wait it’s National Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day and I still have to come into work? This isn’t some bullshit holiday like Columbus Day or Veterans Day! This matters! I demand a day off to stuff my face with queer bashin’ fried chicken.

Indeed, reflecting on this sacred day of prayer and togetherness, I really feel like Chick-fil-A is this summer’s Ground Zero Mosque controversy. You see, in the dog days of the summer when the “War on Christmas” is still months away, Fox News and talk radio have nothing better to do than promote some triffling story that involves debasing the civil rights of some minority group. You’d think that this year the Olympics would be distraction enough, but you’d be wrong.

From a business standpoint though, taking advantage of a slow news month like this to boost sales among the ignorant is a great strategy. Perhaps next summer Mountain Dew could come out and declare that they don’t want Muslims drinking their soda! Then Sarah Palin (after accepting a hefty kickback of $20,000 of moose meat and abortion pills) can appear on Fox News and talk about “the dangers that overtly caffeinated Terrorists pose to Tea Party American Patriots and Moms”, driving every ignorant red neck (who already make up like 50% of Mountain Dew’s sales) to guzzle more of the stuff because they think it will stop Al Qaeda. Everyone wins!

Oh America, always solving its Civil Rights issues through the medium of junk food.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 2, 2012 at 8:36 am

D.O.Chick-fil-A

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Embroiled, or should I say em-deep fried, in a major controversy about their public disdain for gay marriage, Chick-fil-A announced that its Vice President of Public Relations dropped dead of a heart attack this morning. I’m not mocking his death now, I’m just pointing out that it happened at a frankly bizarre time.

Gawker is reporting that Twitter is freaking out about this auspiciously timed death, with some suggesting that the VP dropped dead because of God’s vengeance against those promote hate against his/her/the spaghetti monster’s children. Others, seem to think it’s a liberal conspiracy. Might I suggest a third option? Perhaps a professional lifetime of eating deep-fried chicken sandwiches slathered with the condiment of bigotry (which in the case of Chick-fil-A I think is just mayo) is what made their Public Relation man’s heart to explode. Just a thought.

More importantly though, I’m about ready to announce that this controversy over Chick-fil-A and gay marriage is over. We’re setting a terrible precedent for fast food franchise politics. If we have to bomb Iran I really REALLY don’t want to know what Taco Bell thinks about it.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Elmo Hospitalized for “Exhaustion”

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Central Park, once known for its lively cultural of outdoor drug sales and bush sex, is now going down the tubes. Police recently had to remove a man in an Elmo suit who was hurling anti-semitic insults and harrassing pedestrians.

Or did they? The NYPD want you to think that they rightfully removed a mentally disturbed man in an Elmo suit some the park because he was “demanding people give him money to take pictures of him” and telling passers by “I’m not making money because the Jewish costume companies are harassing me” but that’s not true. The sad fact is that the man in question was indeed the real Elmo and he is having a breakdown.

You see, years of grinding poverty on Sesame Street opened Elmo up to the drugs and loose sex of the celebrity lifestyle. Add to that the radical muslim dogma Elmo learned from at the feet of his mentor Michelle Obama and you’ve got a furry red puppet who is one eight-ball away from death.

While most of the mainstream media doesn’t want anything to do with Elmo til he gets his act together, Mel Gibson has expressed his support for the little guy and announced they’ll be producing a film of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 26, 2012 at 5:49 pm

The VP Selection Process gets Caliente

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In an unusually specific move, Mitt Romney directly refuted rumors that Marco Rubio, the Cuban American Republican Senator from Florida and GOP wunderkind ninoexcelente!, was not being looked at as a potential VP choice. “Marco Rubio is being thoroughly vetted as part of our process,” Romney said during a campaign stop yesterday.

Indeed, the whole Romney family seems to be getting into the vetting process, as EPM has learned that Ann Romney is privately vetting this Hispanic leader the same way she vets all Hispanic people close to her  – chiefly by making sure that Rubio doesn’t steal any of the silverware and that he does a good job with the bathroom fixtures.

Romney had to speak up against the rumors because so many politicos believe that selecting Rubio would give Romney a major boost with Latinos, a key voting demographic. Of course, Romney could try appealing to hispanic voters by, oh say, not threatening to “self-deport” their grandmothers and denouncing the proto-facsist anti-immigrant laws currently flying through state legislatures. But I’m sure slapping a hispanic on the ticket will do the trick, too. Hey, if they’re going to be that lazy, how about drafting Latin Pop Star Paulina Rubio on the ticket instead of her (maybe) cousin Marco? Que bueno!

PS-Look at that picture. Wouldn’t it be weird if the first Hispanic VP nominee was several shades paler than his suspiciously tan running mate? That will make it awfully hard for the Phoenix Police Department to figure out which to detain when they pull over their campaign bus…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 20, 2012 at 9:11 am

Matt Drudge Can Eat Me

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Jeez you take one little vacation and suddenly everyone is eating everyone else’s face. Typical office politics…

Now, as most of you have already probably heard, Miami is experiencing a bit of a cannibal problem (note the lack of shock in every article this weekend’s cannibal attack took place in Florida). But did you know that it’s a scary urban cannibal problem? That’s what Matt Drudge wants you to think, as he is running an article about the fact that Rudy Eugene, the man who was shot and killed by Miami police officers for trying to eat a homeless man’s face, was at the hip-hop festival known as Urban Weekend just hours before the attack.

Now did urban culture drive him to become a cannibal? I’m pretty sure Drudge will soon call for the release of George Zimmerman because he was obviously trying to stop Trayvon Martin (who it should be pointed out was from the suburbs) from eating his skin.

No, Matt Drudge is not a race baiter, he’s just defending us against African American cannibals.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 30, 2012 at 9:30 am