E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Animals

The Lobbyist of Victims

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The partisan gridlock that has taken over Washington has effected us all: important bills don’t go passed, vital projects don’t get funded and Ed Schultz continues to have a reason to be on TV. It’s awful. But ya know who is really the biggest victim in all this? Democracy K Street Lobbyists.

Politico is reporting today that K Street Lobbying firms are in quite a funk since Congress became the Polish tank of national legislative bodies (i.e useless and eminently combustible). “This year, in particular,” notes the author “the election sucked all the oxygen out of Washington leaving K-Streeters with nothing to pitch new clients on and little work to do for existing clients.” By the way, if news about hordes of lobbyists with nothing to do tugs at your heart-strings, I have some articles about starving vampires in Transylvania to send you! (Note though that starving vampires are not the same thing as sexy vampires.)

Indeed, one study of the lobbying industry found that tragically under Obama the number of client registrations dropped from “22,709 in the third quarter of 2008 to 17,917 in the third quarter of 2012.” NOOOOO!!!

Clearly we have an endangered species on our hands. Indeed, much like the Panda and its limited bamboo-only diet, the lobbyist subsists on a precarious diet of shady corporate cash. Paper is a nutrient poor, and the Giant Lobbyists’ natural feeding habitat – steak restaurants and cigar bars – are shrinking fast as well. Couple that with sickos like Obama who hunt these majestic, Rolex wearing beasts for fun and we might have an extinction on our hands!

So please, won’t you help save the Giant Lobbyist today with a contribution of just $250,000 to your local influence peddler?

PS – The Coal Industry has paid me to tell you and several Congresspeople that while we must preserve the Giant Lobbyist, Polar Bears can go fuck themselves.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm

Rice with Cooked Goose

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Let’s start by saying that this blog hasn’t featured many stories about the terrorist attack in Benghazi because it doesn’t lend itself easily to sex puns despite the fact that it was tragic, it’s not a real controversy. The Right continues to suggest that President Obama callously ignored the deaths of four Americans for political reasons – chiefled to support his re-election bid by sweeping bad news under the rug. That’s a funny thing for the Right is accuse the President of as they also callously use the death of four Americans for political reasons, dontcha think? Sadly, this whole story was just gross, but now it’s gotten even ickier (and for Obama far stickier), as UN Ambassador Susan Rice has taken the place of President Obama as the Right’s target du jour.

It all started when Rice appeared on several Sunday morning talk shows shortly after the terrorist attack claiming, as the administration believed at the time, that the deaths in Benghazi were part of violence associated with a Youtube video insulting the Prophet Muhammed. When that turned out not to be correct, the Right, who defended George Bush’s massive WMD intelligence failure, pilloried Rice for supporting this much smaller (though still terrible) intelligence failure.

Of course, now there is blood in the water and you know what that means: John McCain needs to hold a press conference. Seriously, is there an international incident which he won’t throw himself into the middle of? Justin Bieber recently wore overalls to meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister – could McCain appear on CNN to discuss that? But I digress: McCain and his canasta partner Sen. Lindsey Lohan Graham and they’re plucky young intern Sen. Kelly Ayotte demanded answers from Rice on her Libya appearances and met with her yesterday.

It did not go well.

Apparently, the meeting left the three Republican senators with “many more questions that have to be answered.” This my friends, is bullshit: McCain could have asked Susan Rice “what does 2+2 equal?” and, uponing hearing “4” would rush in front of Fox News’ camera to declare a scandal, a conspiracy and a suspicious link between “2+2=4” and the four dead Americans in Libya. In short, no answer would have satisfied the Republicans because they weren’t looking to answer any questions: they were looking to make Susan Rice and Obama look bad. And ya know what the worst part is? They did!

Ya see, Obama has boxed himself in on the issue of Susan Rice. At his first press conference after his re-election, Obama defended Rice, who people suspect will be nominated to replace Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, saying that critics of Rice’s statements on Libya ought to “go after me“, their real target instead. Well now because of that statement and Republicans raking Rice over the fire, Obama may be fucked. He’ll either nominate Rice and face a bruising, nasty and potentially unsuccessful confimation process, or he nominates someone else and looks like he either lost to the Republicans or is hiding something. Basically he can’t win and Rice’s goose appears to be cooked.

Of course, thank god the only people who care about this situation are nerds like me (and you) and the ancient racists who make up Fox News’ key demographics. The pathetic thing in all this is that no one here seems to really care about those who died in the embassy attack, it’s just cheap politics.

We’re not even addressing the real question here, which is clearly the mysterious likeness between American Ambassador Susan Rice and British singer Sade. Have they ever been seen in a room together? What does Sade (gosh that’s an awfully Muslim sounding name) know about Libya? Is she a Soldier of Love – Love for Allah??? These and more ridiculous questions will be covered by Fox News until we fall of the Fiscal Cliff. Or maybe a good War on Christmas story comes out.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

The Norquist Norquestion

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Grover Narwhal Norquist is a vexing figure in modern American politics: while he shares a first name with a muppet, he and his anti-tax pledge have kept Republicans from even discussing tax hikes for many years. This may be coming to an end soon however, as members of the GOP have begun to publically suggest they’ll ignore Norquist’s pledge and consider raising tax rates on the wealthy as part of a deal to avoid the dreaded Fiscal Cliff.

Norquist, whose bare bones vision of government spending is nothing if not monk-like in it’s asceticism (except, ya know, that monks believe in helping the poor), chastized those Republicans who would dare defy his anti-tax papacy, saying yesterday that they were expressing “impure thoughts“. Sure, Norquist did seem confident that the GOP won’t budge, but when it comes down to it Washington D.C.’s most feared man might just be the biggest loser in any debt deal.

After all, who the fuck is Grover Norquist anyway? I mean, how has this fury little terror managed to single-handedly keep the United States from making even small tax increases for nearly two decades? He’s both a boogie man and a paper tiger which is not exactly a sustainable position to be in. Republicans are probably a lot more afraid of being blamed for pushing America off the Fiscal Cliff to protect tax breaks for millionaires than they are of Norquist and will thus make a deal that ends up raising taxes, no matter how much he looks like an angry badger.

So while it’s too early to write Norquist’s obituary, it looks like his days holding the legislative process hostage to his pledge might be numbered…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 26, 2012 at 11:56 am

Florida says “‘Gator Done!”

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Florida, a state with a rich Tea Party movement, may have a new big-government-stickin’-it-to-the-little-guy controversy on its hands: State Wildlife officials have just banned parties where children swim with live alligators. Outrageous! Our Founding Fathers envisioned a country in which a citizen could expose his children to whatever man-eating reptiles he pleased.

These now-banned “Alligator Parties” were provided by Alligator Attractions, a Tampa Bay area wildlife farm, where for $175 the company would bring live gators (under 4 feet long) to swim in residential pools for kids birthday parties. Now, “Alligator Parties” are not to be confused with “Rainbow Parties“, which Oprah warned us about, where high school girls put on different shades of lipstick and perform fellatio on boys…all while treading water in a pool filled with alligators. I think? I don’t know the judge was very clear that I am no longer to attend parties with 16-year-olds.

Still, what a gross intrusion of the state! And this decision not only effects children’s birthday parties, but Bar Mitzvahs, Graduation Parties and, of course, your grandparents 60th Wedding Anniversary. The nerve!

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October 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

Minneapolis prepares for new Film FestivAWWWW

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Finally, what you do at work all day has its own film festival: no silly, there are already lots of porn festivals, rather, I’m talking about the upcoming Internet Cat Video Film Festival in Minneapolis, MN!

For what it’s worth, the Internet Cat Video Film Festival will be at least as worthwhile as the Cannes or Sundance Film Festival, which traditionally debut whatever dreadful movies will limp into the position of Best Picture this year. Can you honestly tell me that Crash or The Artist was better than the best cat video you’ve seen recently? No. You can’t. Cats are adorable and Sandra Bullock is awful.

And of course where there’s a film festival there is always hot celebrity action! I can’t wait to read about the wild after parties, where Lindsay Lohan will be photographed snorting…kitty litter (Hey she probably already smells like cat pee amiright?).

This my friends is an excellent idea.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Trend Watch: Summer of the Bath Salts

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Way back in the Summer of 2001, when saying something was “so September 10th” would have only made sense to a Chilean, our nation experienced a beautiful occurence known as the “Summer of the Shark“. Basically to fill time between tylenol and bladder-liner ads, CNN and the other 24/7 cable news networks ran sensationalized stories about grizzly shark attacks – even though 2001 saw no actual increase in shark-on-person violence. Then 9/11 happened and, once sharks had been ruled out as the perpetrators of the terrorist attacks, we all kind of forgot about “The Summer of the Shark”.

11 years later, we have finally made a glorious return to this sensationalist people eating: ladies and gentlemen we are now entering the Summer of the Bath Salts! From the Causeway Cannibal on Memorial Day to daily articles about the danger of these chemicals, Bath Salt abuse and its violent repuercussions have become super chic (I’d give it two weeks before the paparazzi take a video of Kate Moss doing lines of Bath Salts and trying to eat Andre Leon Talley).

What’s old is new again, right? It’s comforting to know that every ten years or so Americans like a good story about something eating someone. Does this portend a comeback for other things that were popular in the Summer of 2001? We can only know for sure if stores start selling baggy cargo pants made of human flesh. Gotta do something with all the fat people Bath Salts freaks/sharks are attacking, right?

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June 18, 2012 at 10:06 am

R.I.P. Meow

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Just like her husband famously kills terrorists and then spikes the football all over the planet, Michelle Obama and her radical fruit-and-vegetable-socialism agenda is about to be implicated in an assassination of her own. Or should I say a cat-sassination.

For you see Meow, the 38 pound cat that gained world wide attention for being just fucking enormous (see above), was put to sleep last night. Of course the animal hospital will tell you that Meow was having “multiple health problems” from its “morbid obesity”, but we all know that this cat is a victim of the liberal agenda and its unconstitutional war on guns christmas Tim Tebow obesity. The Obamas hate Fat Cats, both in real life and on Wall Street. And while I don’t have any proof of this theory, I’m still going to put it out on the Internet because, hey, that’s how the internet works.

This story is just so sad – my dreams of using Meow as the counter-weight for my cat powered elevator have been dashed. Dashed I tells ya!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm