E PLURIBUS MORON

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Posts Tagged ‘Homosexuals

Obama makes gay history, gets own Bravo TV show

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If you thought the nation’s first inaugural Twitter scandal was the big news of this Inaugration Day, hold on to your butts (literally and figurately): today Barack Obama became the first President ever to use the word “gay” in his inaugural address. That’s amazing news!

Oh wait. I’m being told he used the word “gay” when describing the debt ceiling as being “so fuckin’ gay bro”.

Ohhhhhh the arc of the universe is indeed long…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

Trying to Finagle a Secretary named Hagel

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President Barack Obama has announced that Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel, the 18th century philosopher, is his next choice for Secretary of Defense. Perhaps it was Hegel’s groundbreaking work on Dialetical Sublation and Epistimological Historicism that impressed the President enough to nominate him for this important post.

Oh, actually, after doing a little more research, it appears that Pres. Obama has nominated former Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense. My apologies. Anyway, Hagel is a Republican who has become increasingly centrist over the years (or maybe he’s held the same positions as his party has lurched farther to the right – it’s hard to tell), and is thus likely to face doggedy criticism from the Right during his confirmation process.

So what are conservatives planning to unload on this decorated Vietnam Vet (editor’s note: insert gay sex joke here)?

First of all, the GOP is convinced Hagel, like spicy food, is no friend of the Jewish people. Several years ago he inartfully referred to the power of the “Jewish Lobby” in an interview and now Sheldon Adelson and a bunch of Evangelicals are basically conspiring to have the Mossad kidnap Hagel and hold him for crimes against humanity in the Negev desert. As a Jew that pro-active search for imaginary anti-Semitism makes me proud.

Secondly, Republicans are accusing Hagel of being a homophobe. Back in 1997 (when progressive gay politics was mostly about convincing people that watching Will and Grace was not a sin), Hagel said Pres. Clinton’s openly gay nominee for ambassador to Luxembourg was unqualified for the post because of his sexuality. Hagel has since apologized for that too, both because it was insensitive and untrue – almost no country in Europe is gayer than Luxembourg. More importantly, since when have the Republicans cared about gay rights? As far as I can tell this is like wolves howling about the civil rights of sheep.

But the real reason Hagel, who as a wounded combat veteran is less than thrilled with the use of military force, terrifies the GOP is because as Secretary of Defense he might, just maybe, cut or freeze the defense budget. You see, the only spending the Right approves of is military spending, and a Secretary of Defense who doesn’t want to spend $40 billion on invisible helicopters and tank-mounted chocolate fountains and other shit like that is a threat to the GOP and their corporate masters.

Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist on this or anything. I’ll leave that up to this guy

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 8, 2013 at 5:41 pm

God Save the Dinner Party

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Quick, put on some pearls so that you can have something to clutch: the New York Times, America’s paper of record, is reporting the tragic death of the New York society dinner party.

Indeed, the article written by Guy Trebay (that…that can’t be a real person’s name, right?) rightly points out that dinner parties are the one thing standing between our society and TOTAL CHAOS. Speaking with noted dinner partyologist Alex Hitz, Thebay reminds us of the great New York socialite hosts, from Nan Kempner to Brooke Astor, who are now gone (and just because they were both 150 years old. Sad.) “‘Every single one was different,’ Mr. Hitz said. “What they had in common was a sense of fun and community and gathering people together for good simple food.” Ahh yes, the simple joys of the megarich serving hearty, peasant foods like truffles and caviar to other salt of the earth millionaires. Why, back then anyone, and I mean anyone, with a dormitory at Princteon named after their grandpapa was welcome at the table.

But time and the demise of good breeding aren’t strong enough to bring down dinner parties on their own. No no: there are other factors. Tembay blames lawyers too, pointing out that guests find an “additional challenge to keeping things lively (today), given that in a litigious age, that durable staple of dinner parties, the innocent flirtation, has become a minefield of signals missed or, worse yet, taken up.” When will the Supreme Court honor Barbara Bush’s wishes and address dinner party conversation tort reform???

In the end though, modern barbarism has conquered even those who simply strive to host great dinner parties. David E. Monn, prominent party planner and (likely) owner of the world’s foremost decorative teaspoon collection tells the Times “People want to be civilized, so it all doesn’t turn into Caligula, and so they come to me saying: ‘I don’t know what to do if I’m having friends over for cocktails. What tray do you use? What do you put on the tray? Do you put out a piece of cheese?’” As you can see, without dinner party planners like Monn people will soon be reduced to bashing one another in the head with cheese trays and eating each others brains!

As we rapidly approach this apocalyptic world vision, the high society dinner party-deprived masses won’t even be prepared to barter for gasoline/shotgun shells because, as Trebay tells us “(few) people still see the point in accumulating china, silver and crystal at all.” Clearly, society is doomed (although the distaste in today’s boorish youth for candlesticks has certainly reduced New York’s billiard room muder mystery rate).

What a worthy and important article. I like it’s focus on the finer aspects of the now endangered dinner party and the article’s complete disregard for the fact that fancy dinner parties require hordes of underpaid, discriminated-against servants. And how they ignored the fact that these dinner parties were only as grand as they were because, marginalized by sexism and homophobia, the great now-gone hostesses and hosts could dedicate their every energy to these elaborate events. Also, I enjoyed the way Trebay forgot to mention (or was unaware of the fact) that the middle classes STILL HOST FUCKING DINNER PARTIES. Just because Nancy Reagan isn’t at your table doesn’t mean it’s not a dinner party. But like I said I’m glad that such vulgar truths weren’t covered by the article though.

Still this piece is a really spot on spoof of what Jack Donaghy might right for the New York Times if he were an old queen/a real person.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

Chick-fil-A-holes still in the news

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This is the story that just will not fry die: today is National Chick-fil-A Appreciation day, an event created and promoted by Former Arkansas Governor/Wanna be ol’ timey radio host Mike Huckabee to support the marriage equality hating chicken restaurant. Wait it’s National Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day and I still have to come into work? This isn’t some bullshit holiday like Columbus Day or Veterans Day! This matters! I demand a day off to stuff my face with queer bashin’ fried chicken.

Indeed, reflecting on this sacred day of prayer and togetherness, I really feel like Chick-fil-A is this summer’s Ground Zero Mosque controversy. You see, in the dog days of the summer when the “War on Christmas” is still months away, Fox News and talk radio have nothing better to do than promote some triffling story that involves debasing the civil rights of some minority group. You’d think that this year the Olympics would be distraction enough, but you’d be wrong.

From a business standpoint though, taking advantage of a slow news month like this to boost sales among the ignorant is a great strategy. Perhaps next summer Mountain Dew could come out and declare that they don’t want Muslims drinking their soda! Then Sarah Palin (after accepting a hefty kickback of $20,000 of moose meat and abortion pills) can appear on Fox News and talk about “the dangers that overtly caffeinated Terrorists pose to Tea Party American Patriots and Moms”, driving every ignorant red neck (who already make up like 50% of Mountain Dew’s sales) to guzzle more of the stuff because they think it will stop Al Qaeda. Everyone wins!

Oh America, always solving its Civil Rights issues through the medium of junk food.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 2, 2012 at 8:36 am

D.O.Chick-fil-A

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Embroiled, or should I say em-deep fried, in a major controversy about their public disdain for gay marriage, Chick-fil-A announced that its Vice President of Public Relations dropped dead of a heart attack this morning. I’m not mocking his death now, I’m just pointing out that it happened at a frankly bizarre time.

Gawker is reporting that Twitter is freaking out about this auspiciously timed death, with some suggesting that the VP dropped dead because of God’s vengeance against those promote hate against his/her/the spaghetti monster’s children. Others, seem to think it’s a liberal conspiracy. Might I suggest a third option? Perhaps a professional lifetime of eating deep-fried chicken sandwiches slathered with the condiment of bigotry (which in the case of Chick-fil-A I think is just mayo) is what made their Public Relation man’s heart to explode. Just a thought.

More importantly though, I’m about ready to announce that this controversy over Chick-fil-A and gay marriage is over. We’re setting a terrible precedent for fast food franchise politics. If we have to bomb Iran I really REALLY don’t want to know what Taco Bell thinks about it.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Virginia is for Lovers (of Sodomy)

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As you may know, Virginia is the perhaps the gayest state in Dixie (after Florida). Maybe it’s the excellent blush wines or the abundance of organic farms, but the state may be one of the few places in the world where you’ll find a Rainbow Flag with the Stars and Bars on it.

Despite the state’s myriad forzen-yogurt chains, it still has its homophobes (shocker). Take Prince William County Delegate Robert Marshall, who recently led a successful if wildly biggoted campaign to keep a Navy Veteran and well-respected DA from being appointed a state judge simply because he’s gay. Marshall told CNN that discriminating against gay nominees isn’t illegal because “Sodomy is not a civil right”, pausing to foundly recall the trucker who barebacked him in the bathroom of a Denny’s last week.

Think I’m kidding about that? Well Marshall went on to say “When I was in public school … we all said, ‘Keep us from temptation.’ This was  because we said the Lord’s Prayer. Nobody, nobody — should go where they’ll be  tempted. That includes me, that includes you, that includes you, that includes a prospective judge.” Sounds like Marshall has been tempted by sodomy. A lot. Of if only he could go to a public school full of children and say the Lords Prayer to quench the fire of his burning sodomy lust. Curse you Abbington School District v. Schempp!

Ugh all this on the day Donna Summer died? For shame.

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May 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Newsweek loves Barack Homobama

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There’s nothing like breaking historical barriers that you did not actually break, right? Ya know, like that time Jackie Robinson became the first black male Miss America? Anyway, today we have another great and undeserved moment in American history, as Newsweek magazine has erroneous dubbed Barack Obama “The First Gay President” for his support for marriage equality.

Unfortunately for Newsweek, Obama is not gay. Now as you may recall, Bill Clinton was labeled as “The First Black President” despite being white but it was for a good reason: he was pretty damn black. But Barack Obama both isn’t gay and isn’t that culturally gay either. Have you seen his famous collection of horrible dad jeans? I’m not sure the gay community wants to be represented by a man who is A. straight and B. owns so many pairs of pleated pants.

Finally, even if Barack Obama was gay, he would not be the first gay president. Pres. Buchannan had a famously ambiguous relationship with a fellow Senator and never married. And let’s not forget about Dwight Eisenhower and his “roommate” Jeffrey (so many summers at Tanglewood, so many unanswered questions).

What’s up Newsweek’s erroneous sleave for next week? I’m thinking a cover story about John Travolta’s legal problems entitled “The First Straight Movie Star (who totally isn’t wearing a toupee)”…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 14, 2012 at 9:42 am