E PLURIBUS MORON

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Archive for the ‘Show Business’ Category

Guy Fieri to ruin wine now, too

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Although he may look like the fat cherubs of antiquity, Guy Fieri now has decided to become a modern-day Bacchus: According to the New York Daily News, Fieri has entered the wine game, purchasing a five acre vineyard in Sonoma where he intends to produce wine under the name “Hunt and Ryde” (after his two children Hunter S. Thompson and Ryder Strong).

So what does this TV Chef know about the booze industry, especially since last year the New York Times, in reviewing his Times Square restaurant, declared that his watermelon margarita “(tasted) like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?” Well we have a feeling that Fieri will add his signature dash of mental retardation to Hunt and Ryde Vineyards, too. In fact, here’s a list of the varietals that the winery’s bleached beached whale of an owner plans to produce:

Pumped up Pinot Grigio – A light and crisp wine with hints of wasabi and chipotle mayo.

Kickin’ Chianti – A robust red smothered in 12-hour-roasted pulled pork gravy.

Sassy’ Sauvignon Blanc – A fruity blend perfect for relaxing after a trip to the Diabetes Clinic!

Chateauneuf du Jalapeno Poppers – A complex blend of red fruits and deep-fried spicy cheese.

Rockin’ Rose – A great summer drink as pink as Guy Fieri’s disgusting sunburned jowls.

Meh, he’ll probably just give up on the whole vineyard thing when he realizes either that Tequila doesn’t come from grapes and that the Sonoma is nowhere near Kid Rock’s house.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm

The Curse of the Divorced Housewife!

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I know readers of this blog are probably expecting me to say something about the school shooting in Connecticut, but I’m not positive we need MORE internet commentary on this tragedy. That said, this little item just came across my desk….

…It seems that Marysol Patton of the Real Housewives of Miami is getting a divorce. In the picture above, she is the one on the right while her mother, who I think was in Labyrinth, is on the left. Indeed, leading news source/repository of Miley Cyrus nip slip photos The Huffington Post is now claiming that Patton has fallen victim to the “Real Housewives’ Divorce Curse“.

Now, when you hear about “curses” and The Real Housewives, you probably assume it has something to do with the fact that these women all look like evil mummies. But no! It seems that the vain, awful women on this series are also constantly getting divorced. Who knew needy, emotionally unstable social climbers that spend all day either drinking white wine or getting Restalyn injections have trouble staying married to their wealthy former basketball player/plastic surgeon husbands? If they can’t find love, who can?

Let me be the first to suggest then that the Huffington Post is ~gasp~ wrong. There is no “Real Housewives Divorce Curse”, just like the Red Sox weren’t cursed so much as they were just terrible for 8 decades. Curses are awfully convenient ways to cover up the failures of terrible, terrible people….

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December 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm

The People’s Republic of Snubistan

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Rejoice Bolsheviks! The world’s greatest socialist enterprise, the billion dollar movie industry, has announced it will not consider Dinesh D’Souza’s anti-Obama opus 2016: Obama’s America for the Best Documentary category. You’d think with all the half-truths and ignorant falsehoods that hold up the movie it would have at least been eligible for Best Picture, too! Alas, the Red Menace has ended this film’s award season hopes.

This begs the question about how 2016 got slapped down by the Academy and other equally retarded movies haven’t been. For instance, how did lazy, moronic and racist Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen get nominated for an Academy Award (Best Sound Mixing – but Meryl Streep always wins that one anyway) when the lazy, moronic and racist 2016: Obama’s America gets totally snubbed? Come on! This sets a dangerous precedent for Hollywood: what, are they just going to snub at awful movies now? Does Sandra Bullock’s Oscar mean NOTHING anymore???

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December 6, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Saudi Arabia? That’s Hot.

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Quick, make sure your iPhone hasn’t magically turned back into a Motorola Razr, because Paris Hilton is back in the news. No, she’s not dead (I mean, I don’t think she is. Might be hard to tell with that one), but she might soon be as her store “Paris Hilton: Handbags and Accessories” just opened up in a mall in the holy Muslim city of Mecca. While the mall itself isn’t holy (Mohammed hated the H&M there), some say “the Holy City might not be the most fitting locale for hotel heiress, socialite and home-pornography (star’s)…newest storefront.”

So I don’t want to make too many Muslim jokes here, but suffice it to say that I’m not sure Paris Hilton is compatible with the region. I mean, these people have been through the Crusades, European occupation and post-Cold War American military conflicts: do they really need our washed up, herpes-ridden reality celebrities to sell them tacky handbags? Don’t we have deserts in our own country where we can dump our excess former-reality stars?

Still, let’s hope that the authorities in Mecca aren’t too harsh on the heiress: it’s going to be tough for her to give squeezers to Pam Anderson’s ex-husbands when they cut off her hands for insulting Islam and she doesn’t seem to be doing much else nowadays.

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November 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Helmand (Province) Hip-Hop Hijinx!

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For serious you guys: I am now convinced that Chris Brown is one comment about rape-based abortions away from winning a GOP primary. I say this because last night for Halloween Brown put up a photo on Instagram so tasteless, so crass and so outlandish (especially for a convicted domestic abuser), Todd Akin might call it breathtaking. Check out the image below:

No, you’re eyes do not deceive you: that is Chris Brown in the center dressed as a member of the Taliban. Brown is of course a natural fit for the Taliban, as his violent, deeply anti-social behavior and disregard for human deceny would fit in perfect with the Mullahs in Kandahar.

For their part though, the Taliban has protested the costume and deny anyone connection with a figure as widely reviled as Breezy. “Oh no that guy is a clueless asshole” said Taliban spokesman Jusuf Ahmadi said Thursday. “Can you imagine? What does Rihanna possibly see in him? At least I have the deceny not to make such shitty Eurodance hip hop after I savagely beat one of my many wives. That guy is just…well he is PR poison!”

Stayed tuned for more brilliant moves from Brown, America’s worst famous person.

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November 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Mickey Mouse: Sith Lord

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If all this Hurricane Sandy and campaign coverage hasn’t melted your mind into a putrid goo yet, try this one on for size: yesterday, Disney purchased LucasFilm, the company behind the Star Wars saga, for $4 billion. To make matters worse, Disney has also announced that they will release Star Wars Episode 7 in 2015. Does someone have a lightsaber with which I can commit sepuku?

Yeah, I have to say this absolutely terrifies me. Disney is known for milking it’s franchises way beyond their creatively expiration point (I think they might be on the 20th sequel to Aladdin by now), and while this is mostly relegated to the DVDs-for-the-barely-potty-trained crowd, I still shudder to think how Disney will put it’s stamp on Episode 7. I just can’t imagine that Demi Lovato or whoever is currently jerking off Justin Bieber will make a good Sith Lord, ya know?

The only interesting side of this merger as far as I can tell is the chance to see Randy Newman, who I believe is now the official property of Pixar, and John Williams collaborate on Episode 7’s score. It should be somewhere between epic and cloyingly goofy – think “The Imperial March” played on a kazoo.

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October 31, 2012 at 2:20 pm

The Coveted Loah Endorsement

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Good news Democrats! Lindsay Lohan just endorsed Mitt Romney for President. “I just think employment is really important right now,” the chronically unemployable Lohan told E! News yesterday. “So, as of now, (I’m voting for) Mitt Romney. As of now.”

The Red Bull chugging, chain-smoking actress, known for her issues with drugs and alcohol, has a lot in common with the Mormon Republican Nominee. One time, Mitt drank too much caffeine free Diet Dr. Pepper and accidentally said the word “testicles” in front of a white woman. It was crazy! Lohan will surely be his Secretary of Partying Down.

When reached for comment, actress Amanda Bynes, who has in many ways replaced Lohan as the teen star trainwreck du jour, threatened reporters with a Coffee Bean cup full of urine and declared her allegiance to Presidenital Candidate Gary Johnson.

Or maybe not. It’s Friday afternoon. Go ask Bynes yourself and tell me that’s not how that whole thing would have gone down…

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October 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm