E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Obesity

Guy Fieri to ruin wine now, too

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Although he may look like the fat cherubs of antiquity, Guy Fieri now has decided to become a modern-day Bacchus: According to the New York Daily News, Fieri has entered the wine game, purchasing a five acre vineyard in Sonoma where he intends to produce wine under the name “Hunt and Ryde” (after his two children Hunter S. Thompson and Ryder Strong).

So what does this TV Chef know about the booze industry, especially since last year the New York Times, in reviewing his Times Square restaurant, declared that his watermelon margarita “(tasted) like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?” Well we have a feeling that Fieri will add his signature dash of mental retardation to Hunt and Ryde Vineyards, too. In fact, here’s a list of the varietals that the winery’s bleached beached whale of an owner plans to produce:

Pumped up Pinot Grigio – A light and crisp wine with hints of wasabi and chipotle mayo.

Kickin’ Chianti – A robust red smothered in 12-hour-roasted pulled pork gravy.

Sassy’ Sauvignon Blanc – A fruity blend perfect for relaxing after a trip to the Diabetes Clinic!

Chateauneuf du Jalapeno Poppers – A complex blend of red fruits and deep-fried spicy cheese.

Rockin’ Rose – A great summer drink as pink as Guy Fieri’s disgusting sunburned jowls.

Meh, he’ll probably just give up on the whole vineyard thing when he realizes either that Tequila doesn’t come from grapes and that the Sonoma is nowhere near Kid Rock’s house.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Tampa Tampa Tampa: Thoughts on the RNC

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Roll up your banners, grab your tri-corned hats fringed with teabags and head back to the suburbs: the Republican National Convention is over.

But what a week it was! Republicans got thrown off by a major Gulf Coast storm, which is not to be confused by the shit storm that was Todd Akin last week. Either way, I think we learned a lot of interesting things this week! Let’s work our way through this with a big ol’ helping of lukewarm RNC analysis, shall we?

The Crowd: I feel like I’ve seen greater diversity at a Klan rally. No, that’s too harsh: I’ve seen greater diversity in the retail staff of a suburban Abercrombie and Fitch.

Tampa: What the fuck is Tampa anyway? Does it have a nickname like the Big Apple or The City of Brotherly Love? Perhaps it should be called “The Sweaty Sphincter of the I-4 Corridor.”

Ann Romney: Oh poor Ann. She was tasked with putting a human face on Mitt Romney, which is something no one has had to do since Mitt was first put together in a Robotics Lab at Brigham Young University in 1947. Still she tried her best. Also, kudos for not laughing at all that stuff about struggling financially when she was younger! Gotta give her credit for stage presense.

Chris Christie: Christie, preparing for his imaginary acceptance speech in 2016, forgot to mention the guy who was actually running for President. I wanna say his name is Mitch or something? Anyway, it was weird to see a fat and angry as Christie denouncing “love over respect” immediately after the lovely Ann Romney came on stage, pretty as a dried up peach, talking about “love”. People actually say Christie did more harm to himself than good. Let me point out something though to people who want Christie to run in 2016: Christie is too fat to be President. I know it’s mean but that is a stressful job and he will die of a heart attack. Plus, he’s kind of an East Coast dick. You know what won’t play well at the Iowa State Fair? A big fat East Coast dick.

Mitch McConnell: Oh here’s a winner too. I randomly caught his speech, which while just standard Republican attack boilerplate, got me wondering: do we think Mitch McConnell has had a single orgasm in the past 25 years? His facial expressions suggest that he hasn’t.

Paul Ryan: The Vice Presidential Nominee would have done better for himself and the campaign had he made he speech shirtless on a nearby beach. I mean, Rep. Ryan is pretty ferocious, which is great for him and bad for grandma, but I can’t deal with his speaking style. It’s just so stilted, so “I’m making an important point now”. Really, he sounds like he’s a high school student trying to make an impassioned, if retarded, speech at a graduation ceremony (but what do you expect from a grown up who still reads the very juvenile Ayn Rand). I look forward to the day he slips up and says “you know, commencement actually means ‘a beginning’…”

Marco Rubio: Vamos votar por el Presidente Bebe en 2016!

Clint Eastwood: Umm, did someone accidentally let Dirty Harry wander out of the nursing home? His surprise speech at the convention where he pretended to speak to Barack Obama was…bizarre? Sad? I guess it’s just weird that the Democrats could get Beyonce or Oprah at their convention while the GOP gets and angry old man talking to a chair.

Mitt Romney: Actually, I thought Mitt’s speech was pretty good. With the exception of the totally unnecessary saber rattling (are their any foreign policy voters this year?) and the constant lies, I think he said a lot of what conservatives/uncommitted voters want to hear. I mean, he walked into the room looking like he had a very large stick jammed firmly into his rectum, but that’s normal for Mitt. In the end though, the speech was what it needed to be, and he may just get a couple point bounce out of it. That bounce will of course be obliterated when he debates Obama, making the whole convention (and this article) a waste of time!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 31, 2012 at 10:56 am

D.O.Chick-fil-A

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Embroiled, or should I say em-deep fried, in a major controversy about their public disdain for gay marriage, Chick-fil-A announced that its Vice President of Public Relations dropped dead of a heart attack this morning. I’m not mocking his death now, I’m just pointing out that it happened at a frankly bizarre time.

Gawker is reporting that Twitter is freaking out about this auspiciously timed death, with some suggesting that the VP dropped dead because of God’s vengeance against those promote hate against his/her/the spaghetti monster’s children. Others, seem to think it’s a liberal conspiracy. Might I suggest a third option? Perhaps a professional lifetime of eating deep-fried chicken sandwiches slathered with the condiment of bigotry (which in the case of Chick-fil-A I think is just mayo) is what made their Public Relation man’s heart to explode. Just a thought.

More importantly though, I’m about ready to announce that this controversy over Chick-fil-A and gay marriage is over. We’re setting a terrible precedent for fast food franchise politics. If we have to bomb Iran I really REALLY don’t want to know what Taco Bell thinks about it.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

The Bell Tolls for Thee (and thy bloated gut)

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Taco Bell revealed today that its unholy Doritos Locos Tacos, a taco using a hard shell made out of Nacho Cheese Doritos, have been purchased over 100,000,000 times in just 10 weeks. I mean, I’m glad to know our nation has the ample marijuana supplies to keep this up, but in the age of flesh eating zombies, we must ask ourselves if we’d be better off as a nation of cannibals or out-of-control Taco Bell enthusiasts.

I can’t even begin to describe why this is bad for our country. First of all, our aging sewer systems simply cannot handle the stress that 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos is surely putting on it. Congress can’t cut taxes for millionaires and deal with our nation’s growing Taco Bell-dysentary issues people! Also, I’m pretty sure serving tacos in a Dorito shell is an act of war against Mexico. And those guys don’t fuck around, am I right residents of Ciudad Juarez?

Well at least it couldn’t get any worse. Oh wait, what’s that? Taco Bell has just released a breakfast drink thats part Orange Juice/part Mountain Dew? Great work, Taco Bell executive chef Britney Spears. I’ll be taking a nap on that bridge in Miami, anyone who wants to kill me can just go ahead.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 4, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Bloomberg Bans Bubbly Beverages

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Once again New York bows the the will of it’s teeny-tiny mayor/dictator Michael Bloomberg. Because he could drown in even a tea cup of liquid, the Mayor’s office has revealed a new plan that will ban “the sale of any cup or bottle of sweetened drink larger than 16 fluid ounces” in the City of New York. The Mayor hopes this will fight the city’s obesity problems.

So yes, banning these massive sugary drinks is good not only for our health, but also because the mutant subway rates are just one Mountain Dew away from seizing control of the JMZ. But does this ban go far enough? There are lots of other beverages that, while not as fattening, are dangerous to the city’s well being. Here is my list for the beverages the Big Apple must ban as well:

-$14 gin and tonics

-Bacon flavored soda, no matter the size

-Home-brewed kombucha (specifically the kind brewed in a closet stuffed with Issey Miyake clothing)

-Fresh squeezed orange juice that clearly isn’t fresh squeezed. I’m looking at you every shitty brunch place in Williamsburg!

-Any twee bullshit beverage that people drank in the 19th century because they didn’t understand germ theory

-Four Loco that NYU freshman still thinks has caffeine in it

So it seems like now on top of selling bootleg cigarettes on my frequent trips to New York City, I’ll also be selling slurpees. That’ll be $48 please!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 31, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Sketchy product gets Sketchier

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Sketchers, the shoe brand you buy when you just can’t try anymore, is in trouble with the federal government. The Federal Trade Commission successfully sued the company after Sketchers “made unfounded claims that its (Shape-ups shoe brand) would help people lose weight and strengthen their butt, leg and stomach muscles.” Now they owe disgruntled consumers $50,000,000, or approximately 1,000,000 pairs of their shoes that make people look kinda retarded.

Shape-ups, as you may recall from the commercials with human-giggle queen Kim Kardashian, claim that their unusual shape would make you fit by working out new muscle groups as you walk around or something. That doesn’t matter because we know it’s bullshit. I will say that I think what really sunk Shape-Ups was that they expected Americans to walk places. Maybe if they could lose weight by driving to Chipotle people would consider a product. But walking? What is this, Communist Russia? Thanks comrade, but I’ll be driving my SUV across Red Square.

From now on, let’s try to sell our quack health products for the way Americans really move: waddling from couch to refrigerator and back on an endless loop of shame and cheese doodles.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

R.I.P. Meow

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Just like her husband famously kills terrorists and then spikes the football all over the planet, Michelle Obama and her radical fruit-and-vegetable-socialism agenda is about to be implicated in an assassination of her own. Or should I say a cat-sassination.

For you see Meow, the 38 pound cat that gained world wide attention for being just fucking enormous (see above), was put to sleep last night. Of course the animal hospital will tell you that Meow was having “multiple health problems” from its “morbid obesity”, but we all know that this cat is a victim of the liberal agenda and its unconstitutional war on guns christmas Tim Tebow obesity. The Obamas hate Fat Cats, both in real life and on Wall Street. And while I don’t have any proof of this theory, I’m still going to put it out on the Internet because, hey, that’s how the internet works.

This story is just so sad – my dreams of using Meow as the counter-weight for my cat powered elevator have been dashed. Dashed I tells ya!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm