E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘California

Guy Fieri to ruin wine now, too

leave a comment »

Although he may look like the fat cherubs of antiquity, Guy Fieri now has decided to become a modern-day Bacchus: According to the New York Daily News, Fieri has entered the wine game, purchasing a five acre vineyard in Sonoma where he intends to produce wine under the name “Hunt and Ryde” (after his two children Hunter S. Thompson and Ryder Strong).

So what does this TV Chef know about the booze industry, especially since last year the New York Times, in reviewing his Times Square restaurant, declared that his watermelon margarita “(tasted) like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?” Well we have a feeling that Fieri will add his signature dash of mental retardation to Hunt and Ryde Vineyards, too. In fact, here’s a list of the varietals that the winery’s bleached beached whale of an owner plans to produce:

Pumped up Pinot Grigio – A light and crisp wine with hints of wasabi and chipotle mayo.

Kickin’ Chianti – A robust red smothered in 12-hour-roasted pulled pork gravy.

Sassy’ Sauvignon Blanc – A fruity blend perfect for relaxing after a trip to the Diabetes Clinic!

Chateauneuf du Jalapeno Poppers – A complex blend of red fruits and deep-fried spicy cheese.

Rockin’ Rose – A great summer drink as pink as Guy Fieri’s disgusting sunburned jowls.

Meh, he’ll probably just give up on the whole vineyard thing when he realizes either that Tequila doesn’t come from grapes and that the Sonoma is nowhere near Kid Rock’s house.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Lawyers to CA: Go foie yourself

leave a comment »

Good news for anyone who thought that California was an economic basketcase that was moments away from collapsing into the Pacific ocean: it seems that the state’s new ban on serving Foie Gras is being challenged in court. Apparently a group of concerned foie gras producers and restaranteurs is suing to strike down the amendment, claiming that is hopelessly vague and uninforcable.

Now what does this have to do with California’s economic problems? Well, I say if there are enough rich people that mad enough at the state government to sue over the ban on a supremely expensive duck liver product, then surely the state can’t be as bankrupt as we all think. If they were to ban foie gras in, say, Mississippi, I doubt anyone would sue, not only because people in Mississippi are too broke to eat that stuff but also because even saying “foie gras” outloud violates the states anti-sodomy laws.

So I say this is good news for the Golden State and it’s notoriously dysfunctional governance! If they can fix the political problems involving fatty, bloated duck liver I don’t see why they couldn’t fix the political problems with their equally fatty, bloated state government.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Well that was Fast: Kony Bro Disaster

leave a comment »

As a bit of a germophobe, I try to stay away from viral videos. Especially if they are about children: those little buggers carry the weirdest diseases around.

Still, you’d have to be under a rock (or over 40) to have missed the viral video about Kony, a ruthless Ugandan warlord that took over the internet recently. Well it seems as though last night the video’s hunky/dumb/heart-in-the-right-place/douchey creator Jason Russell was “detained in (San Diego)…for being drunk in public and masturbating.” Well, that was fast. SDPD also claimed that Russell seemed to be under the influence of perhaps something else other than alcohol. The spirit of charity maybe? Or just peyote.

The only conclusion that we can draw here I think is that in our era where becoming super famous super fast is possible, so to too is the inevitable fameball collapse. Remember how Richard Hatch from the first Survivor had to go to prison? Or when The Situation choked to death on a rhinestone? Fame is a terrible drug. Even worse than mixing alcohol, the spirit of charity and peyote.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Occupy Oakland burns flag, liberal sympathy

leave a comment »

Flag burning is right up there with sexting and tort reform as things we are told are totally destroying America. Obviously that’s not true (our nation’s teens now lead the world in contorted sexy self-photographing!), but it is a cudgle with which conservatives like to bash liberals.

That’s why I think we should all be pretty appalled that some idiots in the crowd at Occupy Oakland burned an American Flag last night. Don’t get me wrong, the act ought to remain perfectly legal, but it’s like, why confirm everything that conservatives think about this movement? They might as well have invited Fox News cameras to watch them shoot up and worship Satan.

I don’t want to say that everyone at Occupy Oakland is this breathtakingly short-sighted and ignorant, but this protest is definitely a growing stain on the movement. Frankly, I blame Oakland’s lack of cold weather for not letting the movement have a nice and useful break to regroup. I mean, sure it’s 60 degrees today on the East Coast, but the ILLUSION of winter seems to have given Occupy Wall Street time to focus on how to act like a decent organization.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 31, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Awwwwwsama Bin Laden

leave a comment »

Along with Clay Aiken’s singing voice, the Girl Scouts are this nation’s last bullwark for decent White Christian womanhood. Everything really has been going downhill since society forced women to choose between the health of their ovaries and brain function needed to vote: our ladies only have enough blood for one of those activities.

But I digress: It seems that a California girl is standing up for the Girl Scouts by releasing a video calling for a boycott of the organization’s famous cookies to protest the fact that a troop in Colorado let in a transgendered girl. This girl’s fatwa has caught on with many conversatives, who love her efforts to stop “(the) radical homosexual agenda” from infiltrating her Chapter of the Klan troop.

The best part about this story is the Youtube video. She really looks like Osama Bin Laden! Ya know making threats against peaceful members of American society and using her blinding religious zealotry to inspire fear and hatred.

Kudos little girl! I encourage this girls parents, who undoubtedly warped her mind and put her up to this, send their daughter to Pakistan so that she may become the new head of Al Qaeda. If it’s one thing that Al Qaeda loves and respects, it’s an unmarried Christian 14-year-old who is part of a group dedicated to empowering women.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 13, 2012 at 4:44 pm

It’s the end of the world as we know it…and I look FABULOUS

leave a comment »

As you well know, all of our nation’s coolest workout trends come from California: why, the Golden State has given us such health crazes as Kabbalah Yoga, stripperobics and the core blasting workout none as getting slammed by Tommy Lee.

But now there is a new Cali workout trend that is so awesome the cops and the bomb squad are getting involved! Police and Bomb Squads were recently called to a San Jose area post office after a man jogged in wearing a gas mask and stuffed a strange looking package into a drop-off box.

After terrifying employees and customers, the Police found out the package wasn’t dangerous. It turns out that this mysterious be-gasmasked jogger was area resident Long Huong (I prefer him to Short Huong), who wears biohazard gear while jogging to improve his training. The fact that he looked like a biological terrorist was all a crazy mix up!

So watch out San Jose Police, because post-apocalyptic jogging is all the rage in Northern California! It’s the Cormac McCarthy guide to fitness: you’d be shocked how much wait you can lose by subsitting on rat meat and army rations you stole off a corpse. Throw in some light exercise through poisonous clouds of zombie gas and you’ll be svelt enough to live in the sewers in no time.

California: always leading the way. The way to crazy town.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 2, 2011 at 11:34 am

Crime doesn’t pay (minimum wage)

leave a comment »

Kids today: they’re too ADHD to even shoplift right. Or at least that’s what police officers in Santa Clarita, CA found out when the owner of a local hobby shop presented them with security camera footage of the dumbest crime in the history of Teenagerdom.

Apparently, a young man entered the store, applied for a job with his resume then proceeded to shoplift a “$129 Airsoft gun” as he “(strolled) out the door”. Now while this does seem alarmingly silly, we should note that he told police that he only wanted the job so that he could spend his days sniffing model airplane glue.  

Of course this story isn’t exactly “shocking”: what with our extremely sluggish labor market, the only thing job seekers can do nowadays is to apply for jobs and then steal stuff as you leave the store. This kids real mistake seems to be lying on his resume about his ability to speak conversational Spanish and the title of his last position rather than lying about his name and home address.

So Happy Thanksgiving, Santa Clarita Mom and Dad! You’re child is a retard.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 23, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Posted in Law and Crime

Tagged with , , ,