E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Violence

NRA eschews Gun, Mouth Control

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Earlier today Barack Obama announced his new plans for gun control legislation developed in the wake of the Newtown massacre. It’s chock full of pretty reasonable things about better tracking guns, ending the sale of assault weapons and high capacity rounds and other ideas to help ameliorate this little problem we have had lately with mass shooting sprees. Note that, unlike what Alex Jones and the Far Right might have you believe, Obama did not call for money to set up internment camps for gun owners. That’ll come later I’m sure.

The NRA for its part pre-butted (my new favorite term) the Administration’s press conference by releasing the most horrifying attack ad in recent memory. The ad accuses Obama of acting like an “elitist hypocrite” for letting his daughters have armed security in schools, but not supporting the NRA’s plans to load schools up with armed guards. I’m not convinced this will win Obama to their cause – indeed,  usually it’s not a very good idea to get at someone by attacking their kids. Unless of course they have really obnoxious children – Martin Sheen might let it slide if you called Charlie Sheen a deranged coke fiend. When it comes down to it, the NRA just loves attacking children I guess.

So where will this gun control legislation be successful? No one knows for sure. At the very least though the Administration’s snappy #NowIsTheTime hashtag means that they can win the Twitter war. Beating the NRA at the Twitter ground game is about as important a victory for the President here as, say, beating the NRA at Tic-Tac-Toe or Checkers. But not Russian Roulette – you know the NRA likes that one.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 16, 2013 at 4:54 pm

Let’s Be Hasty

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Speaking earlier today with reporters, Pres. Obama announced that he has chosen Vice President Biden to head a commission in response to the Newtown massacre that will work to offer “concrete proposals” on gun control by January. As you know, a month in Washington D.C. can be an eternity, so let me be the first person to offer this plea to the Obama Administration and Congress: Let’s Be Hasty.

We need to act fast on gun control for two main reasons: first, the vast majority of us agree on what must be done. Second, to wait is to weaken the chance of genuine necessary reform.

There seems to be a pretty good consensus since the Newtown Massacre that semi-automatic weapons need to go. Adam Lanza used a Bushmaster rifle, a gun that only become legal to purchase after the lapse of the Federal Assault Weapons ban in 2004. Even Republican blowhards like Joe Scarborough agree we ought not sell this level of military weapon to civilians. Unless James Madison was secretly Rambo, it is indeed reasonable to assume that the Founding Fathers, who lived in an era of muzzle loaded single-fire muskets, did not mean to extend the protections of the second amendment to semi-automatic rifles and high capacity ammunition clips. Stick that in your originalist bike a smoke it, dead racist neckless-coward Robert Bork.

Timing is the second key factor here. We must have this conversation and act NOW. Indeed, one of the most pernicious fallacies of modern politics is the idea that we shouldn’t examine our gun laws after a high profile gun crime because it’s too sensitive a time. That is the completely wrong conclusion. After all, did you hear anyone after 9/11 say that we shouldn’t examine our counter-terrorism policy because it was too sensitive a time? No. The people who claim it’s too soon to act after a gun violence tragedy are also the same people who refuse to address gun laws in those brief lulls between massacres, claiming gun control activists are imagining scenarious that will never happen. The effect is to silence all gun control reform – essentially kicking the can down the road until the next Newtown, the next Aurora, the next Tuscon.

Let’s insist then that our leaders take serious action now. Changing our gun laws cannot bring back the dead in Newtown, nor will they end the chances that a determined madman committing a massacre, but we must agree that to allow the tools of massacre to go unregulated, unrestricted, is just asking for more violence. We know what we need to do and why we must do it NOW – let’s be hasty.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Helmand (Province) Hip-Hop Hijinx!

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For serious you guys: I am now convinced that Chris Brown is one comment about rape-based abortions away from winning a GOP primary. I say this because last night for Halloween Brown put up a photo on Instagram so tasteless, so crass and so outlandish (especially for a convicted domestic abuser), Todd Akin might call it breathtaking. Check out the image below:

No, you’re eyes do not deceive you: that is Chris Brown in the center dressed as a member of the Taliban. Brown is of course a natural fit for the Taliban, as his violent, deeply anti-social behavior and disregard for human deceny would fit in perfect with the Mullahs in Kandahar.

For their part though, the Taliban has protested the costume and deny anyone connection with a figure as widely reviled as Breezy. “Oh no that guy is a clueless asshole” said Taliban spokesman Jusuf Ahmadi said Thursday. “Can you imagine? What does Rihanna possibly see in him? At least I have the deceny not to make such shitty Eurodance hip hop after I savagely beat one of my many wives. That guy is just…well he is PR poison!”

Stayed tuned for more brilliant moves from Brown, America’s worst famous person.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Chris Brown Sticks His Neck Out There

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Tattoos are a frequent topic on this blog – as you know, there is no better way to permanently proclaim your idiocy to the world than with some ink. This brings us to today’s tattoo story: as you can see below, Hip-hop artists Chris Brown has had the good taste and common sense to get a neck tattoo that resembles a horrific police photo of his former girlfriend Rihanna after he savagely beat her.

This tattoo doesn’t so much confuse me because of it’s subject matter – everyone knows that Chris Brown is an unrepentant violent scumbag – but rather I’m confused about who let this huge star get that tattoo. The way I see it, there are three distinct answers to that question:

1. Chris Brown has the worst management in Hollywood – Chris Brown must be handled by the same people who so expertly managed the careers of Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Indeed, it’s deeply impresive to watch his team make decisions so bad that they defy not just logic but also the laws of thermodynamics (Brown was clearly inked with a tattoo gun powered by a perpetual motion machine).

2. Chris Brown has no management at all – Chris Brown may just be a lonely latchkey-kid determined to destroy himself. Watch out for Brown’s next tattoo, which will be across his face and say “I RAPE PUPPIEZ #LOLZ”

3. Chris Brown is an incredible feminist performance artist – Someone get Christina Brown a MacArthur Genius Award! Her daring portrayal of a deranged  Eurohop artist on a downward spiral through the human condition is transcendant.

So what do you think is the answer (I mean, besides banning neck tattoos)?

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 12, 2012 at 10:09 am

She’s Senator and She Knows It

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One of the unpleasant parts of writing this little news blog is that sometimes the news sucks. I literally don’t have anything funny or insightful to say about the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado except that it’s insane that while white a white man can buy 6,000 rounds of ammunition online and no one notices, a Muslim would have received a visit from the FBI instead of their ammunition. So we live in a society with racial profiling but without security. Hmmm.

THANK GOD though that a leader has step forward to help us through these difficult times. Am I referring to Barack Obama? Mitt Romney? No, rather I am talking about Mindy Meyer (pictured above in an image from her campaign website), who is “a 22-year-old Orthodox Jewish woman who, besides working for a real estate attorney by day and attending Touro law school at night, is running (for New York State Senate).”

Mindy is an incredible natural: while she may not have the tobacco money or the experience that John Boehner has, but this Republican heavy weight has all his moxie and his terrifying basketball-colored skin. This girl has a bright future ahead of her I think: by using bright pink and leopard print, she has shown the public that she has both the taste level and probably the reasoning skills of a 12 year old. She’ll fit in PERFECTLY in the modern Republican party.

I highly highly HIGHLY encourage you to check out her campaign website here.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

Obama Murders Old Lady

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Breaking news that will surely affect our nation’s legion of sassy, menthol smoking diner waitresses: shortly after getting the thrill of a lifetime when Barack Obama stopped by her restaurant for breakfast today, Josephine “Ann” Harris died of a heartattack. The Drudge Report is obviously all over this story like maple syrup on flapjacks, as no sitting President has murdered an old lady since Teddy Roosevelt shot and had mounted an octogenarian named Muddy Mae Suggins.

No doubt offing old ladies who serve too much bacon is a new, more aggressive phase of Michelle Obama’s war on fattening food.

Indeed, I bet Romney’s people are going nuts now! As we speak I am sure some spokesperson is writing a scathing criticism of Obama’s actions here, noting that “no one, and I mean NO ONE has ever died from an excitement-induced heart attack after meeting Governor Romney.”

PS-Actually no, this piece sounded kind of callous. I feel bad for the passing of Ms. Harris – her restaurant sounded delicious. At least she went out happy, right?

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July 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Trend Watch: Summer of the Bath Salts

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Way back in the Summer of 2001, when saying something was “so September 10th” would have only made sense to a Chilean, our nation experienced a beautiful occurence known as the “Summer of the Shark“. Basically to fill time between tylenol and bladder-liner ads, CNN and the other 24/7 cable news networks ran sensationalized stories about grizzly shark attacks – even though 2001 saw no actual increase in shark-on-person violence. Then 9/11 happened and, once sharks had been ruled out as the perpetrators of the terrorist attacks, we all kind of forgot about “The Summer of the Shark”.

11 years later, we have finally made a glorious return to this sensationalist people eating: ladies and gentlemen we are now entering the Summer of the Bath Salts! From the Causeway Cannibal on Memorial Day to daily articles about the danger of these chemicals, Bath Salt abuse and its violent repuercussions have become super chic (I’d give it two weeks before the paparazzi take a video of Kate Moss doing lines of Bath Salts and trying to eat Andre Leon Talley).

What’s old is new again, right? It’s comforting to know that every ten years or so Americans like a good story about something eating someone. Does this portend a comeback for other things that were popular in the Summer of 2001? We can only know for sure if stores start selling baggy cargo pants made of human flesh. Gotta do something with all the fat people Bath Salts freaks/sharks are attacking, right?

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June 18, 2012 at 10:06 am