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Posts Tagged ‘Booze

Guy Fieri to ruin wine now, too

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Although he may look like the fat cherubs of antiquity, Guy Fieri now has decided to become a modern-day Bacchus: According to the New York Daily News, Fieri has entered the wine game, purchasing a five acre vineyard in Sonoma where he intends to produce wine under the name “Hunt and Ryde” (after his two children Hunter S. Thompson and Ryder Strong).

So what does this TV Chef know about the booze industry, especially since last year the New York Times, in reviewing his Times Square restaurant, declared that his watermelon margarita “(tasted) like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?” Well we have a feeling that Fieri will add his signature dash of mental retardation to Hunt and Ryde Vineyards, too. In fact, here’s a list of the varietals that the winery’s bleached beached whale of an owner plans to produce:

Pumped up Pinot Grigio – A light and crisp wine with hints of wasabi and chipotle mayo.

Kickin’ Chianti – A robust red smothered in 12-hour-roasted pulled pork gravy.

Sassy’ Sauvignon Blanc – A fruity blend perfect for relaxing after a trip to the Diabetes Clinic!

Chateauneuf du Jalapeno Poppers – A complex blend of red fruits and deep-fried spicy cheese.

Rockin’ Rose – A great summer drink as pink as Guy Fieri’s disgusting sunburned jowls.

Meh, he’ll probably just give up on the whole vineyard thing when he realizes either that Tequila doesn’t come from grapes and that the Sonoma is nowhere near Kid Rock’s house.


Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Bloomberg Takes on Hipsters

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Okay, right off the bat let me apologize for that misleading headline: your expectations for a story about Mayor Michael Bloomberg banning rompers or making it illegal for people to ironically swim in the McCarren Park pool when it opens up again are misplaced. Rather, I’m taking about Bloomberg News, that always savvy source of business info, talking about the surge in sales of canned beer in America.

Before the recession, everyone seemed to be clamoring for glass bottles, eached molded by hand in Murano be master craftsmen. Now that that’s out of the question people want cheaper (i.e. canned) beers. Some however want it for seemingly ironic purposes, as Bloomberg reports that hipsters, a “subculture of urban, young adults whose tastes run toward independent music and films and non-traditional fashion” may have “given the trend (for canned beer) another push when Pabst Blue Ribbon…became one of their signature drinks.”

Now, either this piece is ironic, or there is a good chance that no one at who subscribes to/reads Bloomberg knows what a hipster is. There are very few hipsters in their private helicopters to Montauk after all. In addition, other hipster meccas like Portland, Philadelphia, Seattle, Oakland and Austin don’t can’t compete with Gstaad and Anguilla for the top of the Bloomberg subscribers most-visited list (Although you think they would, as both plutocrats and hipsters have an affinity for crazy facial hair, monocles and other dandified fineries of the early 20th century).

Next in this groundbreaking series of reporting? How American Spirits Cigarettes somehow maintain steady growth despite being made of little more than shredded news paper, prison barber hair and old tires.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm

George was curious…about vodka

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Oh Florida, have I ever told you how much I love you? Without your swamp-gas induced shenanigans, I might not have anything to blog about.

The AP is reporting that on Thursday night a Florida man was “charged with felony drunken driving and wildlife violations  after police discovered a small monkey in his truck.” If there was one state in the Union where getting a monkey drunk was illegal, it would be Florida, right?

I think it’s safe to say however that because this incident occured in Florida , police deputies were not thrown. Indeed, I’m pretty sure that they stop someone for a suspected DUI in the Sunshine Statethey just ask “Sir, have you been drinking tonight? Also what kind of monkey/flesh-eating lizard/stolen collection of antique sex toys are in this car?”

Basically though it sounds like the suspect is in deep doo-doo. On the other hand, if the career of Florida Governor and Medicare-fraud committing retard Rick Scott says anything, the monkey could be very successful in state politics.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 7, 2012 at 9:09 am

Clinton’s Cojones 2016

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I am starting to suspect that while we think Barack Obama is cool, what with singing Al Green and palling around with terrorists Jay-Z and Beyonce, he might actually just be cool for being a President. Millard Filmore did not set the bar that high.

In recent weeks though it has become apparent that Hillary Clinton is so cool she now wields it as a formidable diplomacy tool. Two weeks ago Hillary became an internet star with the Texts from Hillary Clinton Tumblr which celebrated the well known fact that Hillary is the HBIC – Head Bitch In Charge. Sec. Clinton was even baller enough to appear on the site and literally shut it down with her awesomness.  

Hillary Clinton’s coolness reached new heights the weekend however when she defused an international incident. On saturday it was revealed that while doing advance work for Obama’s trip to Cartagena this week, a Secret Service agent got in a fight with a Colombian prostitute who he refused to pay for her secret services. Major international incident, right? This is why you always tip people. Anyway, here’s comes Hillary Clinton to the rescue, saving face for the U.S. by going out the night the scandal broke to dance to Latin music and drink beer. Ugh Madame Secretary! Why won’t you come to my birthday party???

So yeah, I’m thinking it’s time to start a “Hillary Clinton’s Cojones 2016” campaign.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 16, 2012 at 10:21 am

GTL in need of TLC

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Like an Italian tank or an Italian government, the cast of the Jersey Shore is falling apart. It brings me no joy to tell you this, as the guidos and guidettes of that show have taught our nation so many wonderful lessons over the years, chiefly why it’s important to get regular STD and melanoma tests.

Indeed, everywhere you look a member of America’s most important television show is having some serious life stuff going on. First it was Snooki, whose fool proof method of using vodka and 5 Hour Energy as a profilactic has apparently failed, forcing her to announce recently that she was both preggers and engaged. Then last week TMZ reported that The Situation was in rehab for some kind of chemical dependency issue. Now photos have surfaced of Deena, the only true resident drunk left, with a really cheap looking nose job.

What is happening to this cast? By the end of next season will Vinny be reduced to a fake tan torso? Will J-Woww’s entirely plastic body melt in the summer sun? Will Sammi and Ronny just turn into these awful emotionally crippled characters who just scream at each other all the time? Oh wait….

Anyway, all does NOT bode well for the Jersey Shore home…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 26, 2012 at 9:15 am

Well that was Fast: Kony Bro Disaster

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As a bit of a germophobe, I try to stay away from viral videos. Especially if they are about children: those little buggers carry the weirdest diseases around.

Still, you’d have to be under a rock (or over 40) to have missed the viral video about Kony, a ruthless Ugandan warlord that took over the internet recently. Well it seems as though last night the video’s hunky/dumb/heart-in-the-right-place/douchey creator Jason Russell was “detained in (San Diego)…for being drunk in public and masturbating.” Well, that was fast. SDPD also claimed that Russell seemed to be under the influence of perhaps something else other than alcohol. The spirit of charity maybe? Or just peyote.

The only conclusion that we can draw here I think is that in our era where becoming super famous super fast is possible, so to too is the inevitable fameball collapse. Remember how Richard Hatch from the first Survivor had to go to prison? Or when The Situation choked to death on a rhinestone? Fame is a terrible drug. Even worse than mixing alcohol, the spirit of charity and peyote.

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March 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm

The sad gooey truth about Global Climate Change

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This unusually warm winter did more than just ruin sales of Furry Lady, E Pluribus Moron’s line of Cashmere Underwear for plus-size women, it also wreaked havoc on our nation’s most precious export: maple syrup.

Sugar maples are only capable of producing syrup if the weather is cold enough and since this winter was as unsuccessful as a mid-season TV show about a psychic emergency room doctor (note to self: write and sell screenplay about a psychic emergency room doctor), our nation’s maple syrup production this year has been seriously compromised. We can now add pancakes to polar bears and mild june days on the list of things that global climate change has just completed destroyed.

I’m actually genuinely upset about this, and not just because a bad year for maple syrup could endanger my new high-end liquor Maypl, a maple flavored vodka perfect for breakfast martinis or your next high class Canadian orgy. I think if we explain to people in no uncertain terms that global warming could spell an end to American maple syrup they might care more about their carbon footprints.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm