E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘The recession

The Lobbyist of Victims

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The partisan gridlock that has taken over Washington has effected us all: important bills don’t go passed, vital projects don’t get funded and Ed Schultz continues to have a reason to be on TV. It’s awful. But ya know who is really the biggest victim in all this? Democracy K Street Lobbyists.

Politico is reporting today that K Street Lobbying firms are in quite a funk since Congress became the Polish tank of national legislative bodies (i.e useless and eminently combustible). “This year, in particular,” notes the author “the election sucked all the oxygen out of Washington leaving K-Streeters with nothing to pitch new clients on and little work to do for existing clients.” By the way, if news about hordes of lobbyists with nothing to do tugs at your heart-strings, I have some articles about starving vampires in Transylvania to send you! (Note though that starving vampires are not the same thing as sexy vampires.)

Indeed, one study of the lobbying industry found that tragically under Obama the number of client registrations dropped from “22,709 in the third quarter of 2008 to 17,917 in the third quarter of 2012.” NOOOOO!!!

Clearly we have an endangered species on our hands. Indeed, much like the Panda and its limited bamboo-only diet, the lobbyist subsists on a precarious diet of shady corporate cash. Paper is a nutrient poor, and the Giant Lobbyists’ natural feeding habitat – steak restaurants and cigar bars – are shrinking fast as well. Couple that with sickos like Obama who hunt these majestic, Rolex wearing beasts for fun and we might have an extinction on our hands!

So please, won’t you help save the Giant Lobbyist today with a contribution of just $250,000 to your local influence peddler?

PS – The Coal Industry has paid me to tell you and several Congresspeople that while we must preserve the Giant Lobbyist, Polar Bears can go fuck themselves.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm

The Hostess with the Leastess

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Ever since Mitt Romney lost, it seems like the most oppressed minority in this country is now wealthy business owners. Pity the poor millionaire who now lives in a terrifying dystopia where he must provide healthcare coverage to his workers or face a small fee!

This brutal oppression claimed a major victim today, as snack cake purveyor Hostess announced plans to shut down, blaming their closure on an unresolved strike with the unions. The strike has idled the company’s plants, but instead of working to end the strike and re-open their business, Hostess management claims that they were forced to liquidate  because “production at about a dozen of the company’s 33 plants had been seriously affected by the strike.” That is bullshit: how could a shut down in production possibly effect Twinkies and Ding Dongs? They physically can’t rot and were invented in the 1950s to survive Soviet missile strikes (probably). No, shutting down your company because your work force is striking isn’t a legitimate business move, rather it’s closer to taking your ball and going home when things don’t go your way.

But more than just the 18,500 workers who will be out of a job because of this callous move (and of course the thousands of stoners who will be left to starve without Ring Dings), Hostess has set a horrible precedent for other companies, especially bakeries. Do we think the Keebler Elves are unionized? Because if they are I’d say they’re fucked. Bank of America will soon reclaim their bakery tree thanks to corporate greed and intransigence.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 16, 2012 at 10:59 am

Nevada: A Swing State Survey

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NOTE: Hello all! Over the next two weeks I’ll be profiling the 7 most important swing states this election. Each survey will include a lot of thorough data and tasteless jokes. Enjoy!

Not long ago, Nevada was the least populous state in the Union. Then they dammed the Colorado River, built a bunch of whorehouses and BOOM, suddenly this barren desert gained millions of people and helped produce thousands of wonderfully entertaining episodes of Cops. And while people do flock to the state for it’s natural beauty, depressingly vast casino floors and, again, the whorehouses, Obama and Romney have come to the state looking to connect with it’s heat-stroked voters.

Now, Nevada isn’t a big state, but it does have six delicious electoral votes. Politically, Nevada has three major voting blocks: the left-leaning pimps and buffet jockeys of the Las Vegas area, the centrist ski bums of the Reno area and the ultra conservative gun-toting, alien corpse owning Mormons of the state’s vast hinterlands. Indeed, Nevada is a delightful casserole of political dysfunction broiled by the hot desert sun.

Thanks to the bursting of the housing bubble (who knew know one wanted a 9,000 square foot loft condo in East Las Vegas?), economic issues have dominated the Presidential race here. While that might be a disadvantage to the President, the state’s growing Latino population could be the key to Obama’s victory here; the latest polling indicates the Obama has continued to hold a narrow if firm lead over Romney. So short of Romney getting a Celine Dion like deal where he sings a painful, off-key “America the Beautiful” for overweight tourists 250 nights a year, I’m going to have to say this state will likely go Obama.

Next up: Get your corn seed and your lesbian writing collectives, we’re going to Iowa!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

A Garageless nation is a Godless nation!

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USA Today is reporting that just in time for those last-ditch attack ads connecting Pres. Obama with Jeremiah Wright, a new report about the state of the American housing market has revealed that racists’ favorite part of a house, the porch, is making a major comeback in new construction. Americans seem to want to spend more time outside these days, and that’s not just because global warming has rendered places like North Dakota tropical and pleasant all year long.

This same USA Today story though has some dark warning signs: while housing purchases are beginning to rebound from the devastation of the Great Recession, the number of garageless houses being built has nearly doubled. Oh sure, you can say it’s the push for sustainable transportation alternatives and new walkable neighborhoods that allow people to eschew the use of cars, but I say it’s socialism! Think about how many cherish moments of the American dream, from surruptiously smoking weed as a teen to surruptiously drinking whiskey to deal with your crumbling marriage, take place in garages! Indeed, just imagining ourselves as a nation of entrepeneurs tinkering away in the garage is the one thing that sustains our horrifying cubicle monkey lives.

Save Lady Liberty! Save the Garage! For without them we’re not America. Plus we won’t have any place to store our nation’s unwanted skis and broken lawnmowers.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

GOP asks regulators to kiss 6% of its ass

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Listen to anyone out there and they will tell you that the American worker is hurting. With the unemployment rate at 8.2%, people are having trouble finding jobs. Even those who are employed spend all day playing “Draw Something” on the toilet to avoid getting fired. So what’s a government to do? Well today the House of Representatives is set to pass a VERY well thought out bill that totally WON’T die in the Senate which “would freeze major government regulations until the unemployment rate drops to 6 percent.”

Keeping lead out of your milk? Airbag laws? Those signs that say “employees must wash hands”? They are all killing our nation’s economic recovery. And it isn’t until our unemployment rate hits EXACTLY 6% that we can start regulating stuff again. That’s in the Constitution!

So what will Congress do with their time now that they aren’t passing new regulations? Well first of all, I think they deserve a nice break, as it is widely acknowledged that this Congress is too productive. Unencumbered with protecting citizens though, I assume that the Congressional Republicans will be able to do what they really want, which is to send enthusiastic tweets supporting anti-gay fried chicken sandwiches.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 26, 2012 at 11:25 am

The Great Roubini is an ass

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It’s strange that we live in a society where public masturbation is illegal, but public prognostigation on the economy is not. Both involve stroking one’s self/one’s ego before an audience but the success rate is much higher for the masturbater.

One of the worst offenders when it comes to lame-ass prognostication is Nouriel Roubini, the so called “Dr. Doom” who claims to be the one person to have predicted the 2008 Credit Crisis. Mr. Roubini is an economist who has now made a cottage industry of predicting financial woe. Indeed, CNBC reported today that Roubini tweeted that his predicted four signs of global financial meltdown, which includes “stalling growth in the U.S., debt troubles in Europe, a slowdown in emerging markets, particularly China, and military conflict in Iran” are all coming true. Quick! Find the nearest person and crack open their skulls for the nutrient rich brain matter inside!

Let me take this opportunity to say that Roubini is an ass. Anyone who critically thought about the fact that in 2008 New York restaurant was serving a $1000 omelet could tell you that there was a bubble that would eventually burst. More recently, predicting like Mr. Roubini did that a weak global economy might get weaker is like predicting that your frail old aunt might get sick from a January skinny dipping session. Finally, Roubini’s prediction about “military conflict in Iran” is ridiculous because there is no military conflict in Iran. What is this guy talking about? Why are people still listening to him?

Roubini is basically a con-artist enabled by Twitter and a 24/7 news culture. Also, the New York Post had a pretty convincing tidbit last year about Dr. Doom being your run-of-the-mill fame whore.

Unless I’m just jealous about his success. For you see, I too have clairvoyant abilities: I predicted that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ marriage would collapse into a soup of scientologist nonsense AND THEN IT DID. So how come CNBC is reporting on my random tweets? Huh? Huh???

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Bloomberg Takes on Hipsters

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Okay, right off the bat let me apologize for that misleading headline: your expectations for a story about Mayor Michael Bloomberg banning rompers or making it illegal for people to ironically swim in the McCarren Park pool when it opens up again are misplaced. Rather, I’m taking about Bloomberg News, that always savvy source of business info, talking about the surge in sales of canned beer in America.

Before the recession, everyone seemed to be clamoring for glass bottles, eached molded by hand in Murano be master craftsmen. Now that that’s out of the question people want cheaper (i.e. canned) beers. Some however want it for seemingly ironic purposes, as Bloomberg reports that hipsters, a “subculture of urban, young adults whose tastes run toward independent music and films and non-traditional fashion” may have “given the trend (for canned beer) another push when Pabst Blue Ribbon…became one of their signature drinks.”

Now, either this piece is ironic, or there is a good chance that no one at who subscribes to/reads Bloomberg knows what a hipster is. There are very few hipsters in their private helicopters to Montauk after all. In addition, other hipster meccas like Portland, Philadelphia, Seattle, Oakland and Austin don’t can’t compete with Gstaad and Anguilla for the top of the Bloomberg subscribers most-visited list (Although you think they would, as both plutocrats and hipsters have an affinity for crazy facial hair, monocles and other dandified fineries of the early 20th century).

Next in this groundbreaking series of reporting? How American Spirits Cigarettes somehow maintain steady growth despite being made of little more than shredded news paper, prison barber hair and old tires.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm