E PLURIBUS MORON

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Archive for the ‘Barack Obama’ Category

The White House Needs a Black Light

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Things are getting…disgusting at the White House, as President Obama has blundered into a really unpleasant rhetorical issue in his quest to secure stronger gun control laws.

This latest contoversy started last week, when the President told the New Republic that he enjoys going skeet shooting while at Camp David. The Right has cried foul, suggesting that President Obama is faking his interest in skeet shooting to seem more reasonable on gun control. The White House for it’s part has fought back, mocking these conservative skeet critics of being “skeeters”.

Well I am here to tell you that all this talk of “skeet” has some intended rhetorical consequences. Indeed, there hasn’t been this much discussion of White House skeeting since the Clinton Impeachment!

As any fan of Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins will tell you, “skeet” is a slang term for – well, just ask your parents. Or any and all of Ke$ha’s bedding (I’m kidding she doesn’t have bedding she sleeps in a dumpster). I’m not positive the White House knows this though. For instance, Former White House advisor David Plouffe recently began a tweet with the phrase “Attn skeet Birthers.” Clearly he was unaware of the double entendre; sure “skeet” comes before “birth”, but that’s not Plouffe probably meant. Further more, when Plouffe encouraged all the haters to photoshop the image (seen above) of Obama shooting skeet, I feel like he didn’t anticipate the many giant wangs that will undoubtedly replace the shotgun.

The question is where is Anderson Cooper in all this? His Tea Party/Teabagger double entendre really set the bar for make political sex puns. Is he really going to let Obama’s skeet get away from him? Yes, as many suspect, Anderson Cooper loves skeet.

We’ll let you know more about them creamy, hot skeet story as it spurts forth.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Obama makes gay history, gets own Bravo TV show

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If you thought the nation’s first inaugural Twitter scandal was the big news of this Inaugration Day, hold on to your butts (literally and figurately): today Barack Obama became the first President ever to use the word “gay” in his inaugural address. That’s amazing news!

Oh wait. I’m being told he used the word “gay” when describing the debt ceiling as being “so fuckin’ gay bro”.

Ohhhhhh the arc of the universe is indeed long…

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January 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

@Jesus@BarackObama#SecondInauguration

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Barack Obama was inaugurated President again today, but none of that matters because Beyonce is so amazing he angered the Lord by tweeting! With BREATHLESS coverage, Drudge Report shared a linked confirming that while attending church before the inauguration, Obama some how tweeted “I’m honored and grateful that we have a chance to finish what we started. Our work begins today. Let’s go – BO.” Obviously, he has plenty of time to tweet in church because as someone who worships Karl Marx/Mohammed/Satan and not Jesus his was pretty free to check the ol’ Twitter account.

Of course, it COULD be that as the leader of the Free World and a 51-year-old man, Barack Obama doesn’t handle his own Twitter and that some person in his communications staff (probably some moonfaced 27 year old dickwad) tweeted that for the President while he was at church. Obama may claim to write his own tweets, but I doubt he actually sends them like the rest of us, sitting on the toilet stalking people from college and retweeting Buzz Feed articles about Top 20 Cat GIFs of 2012.

Jeez Barack, way to start of your second term with a massive Twitter scandal. What a troll.

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January 21, 2013 at 5:10 pm

NRA eschews Gun, Mouth Control

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Earlier today Barack Obama announced his new plans for gun control legislation developed in the wake of the Newtown massacre. It’s chock full of pretty reasonable things about better tracking guns, ending the sale of assault weapons and high capacity rounds and other ideas to help ameliorate this little problem we have had lately with mass shooting sprees. Note that, unlike what Alex Jones and the Far Right might have you believe, Obama did not call for money to set up internment camps for gun owners. That’ll come later I’m sure.

The NRA for its part pre-butted (my new favorite term) the Administration’s press conference by releasing the most horrifying attack ad in recent memory. The ad accuses Obama of acting like an “elitist hypocrite” for letting his daughters have armed security in schools, but not supporting the NRA’s plans to load schools up with armed guards. I’m not convinced this will win Obama to their cause – indeed,  usually it’s not a very good idea to get at someone by attacking their kids. Unless of course they have really obnoxious children – Martin Sheen might let it slide if you called Charlie Sheen a deranged coke fiend. When it comes down to it, the NRA just loves attacking children I guess.

So where will this gun control legislation be successful? No one knows for sure. At the very least though the Administration’s snappy #NowIsTheTime hashtag means that they can win the Twitter war. Beating the NRA at the Twitter ground game is about as important a victory for the President here as, say, beating the NRA at Tic-Tac-Toe or Checkers. But not Russian Roulette – you know the NRA likes that one.

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January 16, 2013 at 4:54 pm

Trying to Finagle a Secretary named Hagel

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President Barack Obama has announced that Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel, the 18th century philosopher, is his next choice for Secretary of Defense. Perhaps it was Hegel’s groundbreaking work on Dialetical Sublation and Epistimological Historicism that impressed the President enough to nominate him for this important post.

Oh, actually, after doing a little more research, it appears that Pres. Obama has nominated former Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense. My apologies. Anyway, Hagel is a Republican who has become increasingly centrist over the years (or maybe he’s held the same positions as his party has lurched farther to the right – it’s hard to tell), and is thus likely to face doggedy criticism from the Right during his confirmation process.

So what are conservatives planning to unload on this decorated Vietnam Vet (editor’s note: insert gay sex joke here)?

First of all, the GOP is convinced Hagel, like spicy food, is no friend of the Jewish people. Several years ago he inartfully referred to the power of the “Jewish Lobby” in an interview and now Sheldon Adelson and a bunch of Evangelicals are basically conspiring to have the Mossad kidnap Hagel and hold him for crimes against humanity in the Negev desert. As a Jew that pro-active search for imaginary anti-Semitism makes me proud.

Secondly, Republicans are accusing Hagel of being a homophobe. Back in 1997 (when progressive gay politics was mostly about convincing people that watching Will and Grace was not a sin), Hagel said Pres. Clinton’s openly gay nominee for ambassador to Luxembourg was unqualified for the post because of his sexuality. Hagel has since apologized for that too, both because it was insensitive and untrue – almost no country in Europe is gayer than Luxembourg. More importantly, since when have the Republicans cared about gay rights? As far as I can tell this is like wolves howling about the civil rights of sheep.

But the real reason Hagel, who as a wounded combat veteran is less than thrilled with the use of military force, terrifies the GOP is because as Secretary of Defense he might, just maybe, cut or freeze the defense budget. You see, the only spending the Right approves of is military spending, and a Secretary of Defense who doesn’t want to spend $40 billion on invisible helicopters and tank-mounted chocolate fountains and other shit like that is a threat to the GOP and their corporate masters.

Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist on this or anything. I’ll leave that up to this guy

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January 8, 2013 at 5:41 pm

Let’s Be Hasty

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Speaking earlier today with reporters, Pres. Obama announced that he has chosen Vice President Biden to head a commission in response to the Newtown massacre that will work to offer “concrete proposals” on gun control by January. As you know, a month in Washington D.C. can be an eternity, so let me be the first person to offer this plea to the Obama Administration and Congress: Let’s Be Hasty.

We need to act fast on gun control for two main reasons: first, the vast majority of us agree on what must be done. Second, to wait is to weaken the chance of genuine necessary reform.

There seems to be a pretty good consensus since the Newtown Massacre that semi-automatic weapons need to go. Adam Lanza used a Bushmaster rifle, a gun that only become legal to purchase after the lapse of the Federal Assault Weapons ban in 2004. Even Republican blowhards like Joe Scarborough agree we ought not sell this level of military weapon to civilians. Unless James Madison was secretly Rambo, it is indeed reasonable to assume that the Founding Fathers, who lived in an era of muzzle loaded single-fire muskets, did not mean to extend the protections of the second amendment to semi-automatic rifles and high capacity ammunition clips. Stick that in your originalist bike a smoke it, dead racist neckless-coward Robert Bork.

Timing is the second key factor here. We must have this conversation and act NOW. Indeed, one of the most pernicious fallacies of modern politics is the idea that we shouldn’t examine our gun laws after a high profile gun crime because it’s too sensitive a time. That is the completely wrong conclusion. After all, did you hear anyone after 9/11 say that we shouldn’t examine our counter-terrorism policy because it was too sensitive a time? No. The people who claim it’s too soon to act after a gun violence tragedy are also the same people who refuse to address gun laws in those brief lulls between massacres, claiming gun control activists are imagining scenarious that will never happen. The effect is to silence all gun control reform – essentially kicking the can down the road until the next Newtown, the next Aurora, the next Tuscon.

Let’s insist then that our leaders take serious action now. Changing our gun laws cannot bring back the dead in Newtown, nor will they end the chances that a determined madman committing a massacre, but we must agree that to allow the tools of massacre to go unregulated, unrestricted, is just asking for more violence. We know what we need to do and why we must do it NOW – let’s be hasty.

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December 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

The People’s Republic of Snubistan

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Rejoice Bolsheviks! The world’s greatest socialist enterprise, the billion dollar movie industry, has announced it will not consider Dinesh D’Souza’s anti-Obama opus 2016: Obama’s America for the Best Documentary category. You’d think with all the half-truths and ignorant falsehoods that hold up the movie it would have at least been eligible for Best Picture, too! Alas, the Red Menace has ended this film’s award season hopes.

This begs the question about how 2016 got slapped down by the Academy and other equally retarded movies haven’t been. For instance, how did lazy, moronic and racist Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen get nominated for an Academy Award (Best Sound Mixing – but Meryl Streep always wins that one anyway) when the lazy, moronic and racist 2016: Obama’s America gets totally snubbed? Come on! This sets a dangerous precedent for Hollywood: what, are they just going to snub at awful movies now? Does Sandra Bullock’s Oscar mean NOTHING anymore???

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December 6, 2012 at 5:16 pm