The White House Needs a Black Light

Things are getting…disgusting at the White House, as President Obama has blundered into a really unpleasant rhetorical issue in his quest to secure stronger gun control laws.

This latest contoversy started last week, when the President told the New Republic that he enjoys going skeet shooting while at Camp David. The Right has cried foul, suggesting that President Obama is faking his interest in skeet shooting to seem more reasonable on gun control. The White House for it’s part has fought back, mocking these conservative skeet critics of being “skeeters”.

Well I am here to tell you that all this talk of “skeet” has some intended rhetorical consequences. Indeed, there hasn’t been this much discussion of White House skeeting since the Clinton Impeachment!

As any fan of Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins will tell you, “skeet” is a slang term for – well, just ask your parents. Or any and all of Ke$ha’s bedding (I’m kidding she doesn’t have bedding she sleeps in a dumpster). I’m not positive the White House knows this though. For instance, Former White House advisor David Plouffe recently began a tweet with the phrase “Attn skeet Birthers.” Clearly he was unaware of the double entendre; sure “skeet” comes before “birth”, but that’s not Plouffe probably meant. Further more, when Plouffe encouraged all the haters to photoshop the image (seen above) of Obama shooting skeet, I feel like he didn’t anticipate the many giant wangs that will undoubtedly replace the shotgun.

The question is where is Anderson Cooper in all this? His Tea Party/Teabagger double entendre really set the bar for make political sex puns. Is he really going to let Obama’s skeet get away from him? Yes, as many suspect, Anderson Cooper loves skeet.

We’ll let you know more about them creamy, hot skeet story as it spurts forth.

Panda Sexpress

As a Twitter user, I’ve come to learn that not all things need to be tweeted. Like Panda fucking. Panda fucking is not an appropriate Twitter topic.

I say this because this weekend the National Zoo live-tweeted the artificial insemination of their panda Mei Xiang. Okay so maybe it wasn’t fucking but still, the hashtag #pandauterus did not catch fire the way the Zoo had perhaps envisioned.

And why artificially inseminate a panda anyway? I thought bamboo was an aphrodisiac. Well, zoo officials said that they had earlier “determined Mei Xiang and male giant panda, Tian Tian, were not breeding naturally” and thus a human intervention was needed. Now I know what you’re thinking: Tian Tian is a homo. But couldn’t it also be possible that he doesn’t want his sex life live-tweeted by a bunch of horny zoologist perverts? Even pandas can get performance anxiety.

So calm down @NationalZooPandaFucking.

Does Fluke like Fish?

Sandra Fluke, who if she starts to use cocaine is just the right level of fame to make an excellent reality TV show “celebrity”, got engaged yesterday to that boyfriend (whose sperm, like alfalfa, our government paying not reach its full fertility capacity). That’s sweet.

But did you know that this famous contraception user is also a lesbian? Or she is according to Fox News commentator/Satan’s cheerleader girlfriend Monica Crowley, who reacted to the news of Fluke’s engagement by tweeting “To a man?” Now, I’m not one to pay attention to anything Monica Crowley says, but that low blow was both mean-spirited and totally intellectually inconsistent. I thought the Right agreed with Limbaugh that Fluke was a dick hungry liberal monster, not a clam hungry dyke of a sea otter. Come on folks: keep your messaging together.

Oh wait, I get it now! Fluke is a lesbian because she is a woman who wanted to testify before Congress. Only rug-munchers do that. Now we know why Darrell Issa held that congressional hearing on women’s reproductive issues without inviting any women: he was trying to save women from the bondage of Birkenstocks and hemp maxipads.

Rick Santorum v. 90% of Web’s Content

If Al Gore created the Internet, then Rick Santorum is here to destroy it.

As part of his moral crusade to save America from the evils of post-Treaty of Westphalia life, Rick Santorum announced today that as President he would harshly crackdown on internet pornography. I mean he would just grab internet porn by it’s throat, hike up its skirt, call it a dirty slut and punish fuck it until it leaves our world wide web alone.

Why now though? As anyone who has ever been on the internet knows, pornography is mildly popular on the web. Well, Santorum’s website claims that “The Obama Administration has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture from the scourge of pornography and has refused to enforce obscenity laws.” Umm I don’t think you can blame Obama for the profliferation of digusting internet porn: in fact, I’m pretty sure that “Two girls, one cup” came out during the Bush administration. Obama actually would have stopped tha video’s release because, as we know, that disgusting video promotes some very unhealthy eating habits (vomits all over desk).

I’m curious to see how this will affect his appeal with our nation’s perverts. Will they turn out to vote against him? And if they do will I have to use the same voting booth as they do? Because I am just not willing to touch that leaver or the booth’s curtains.

Getting Santorum all over the place

Did you know that there is a primary election going on for the Republican Presidential Nomination? I kind of thought that the Puppy Bowl on Sunday solved all that, but it looks like we’re going to have to slog through a few more months of pretending to care about what Missouri Republicans think…

Rick Santorum, who I did not know was a Christian, is trying to rile up his supporters in Colorado by strongly criticizing Obama over his administration’s policy that forces some religiously offiliated institutions to pay for (the horror) their employees birth control. When the White House said today it is working with religious institutions on the policy, Santorum told supporters “that’s just a bunch of poppycock.” Is Rick just trying to make his Google problem worse with words like poppycock? I dare you to look up “Poppycock” and “Santorum” at work and not get fired.

Lil’ Ricky also made an appeal to voters in Minnesota when he visited the company that makes his signature sweater vests. I’m sorry but for someone so deeply associated with a by-product of deviant sex (otherwise known as “poppycock”), having a signature sweater vests is realllllly lame. That’s like having a signature beige or a signature yawn. Still, those vests will keep him nice and warm when he ascends to heaven to meet his best pal/Super PAC funder Jesus!

NBC’s lame attempt at abscheumalerisch cancelled

It’s getting increasingly hard to watch craven spotlight whores chug semen on national television. How’s that for cultural decline, Rick Santorum?

Yes, after a lot of really horrified public outcry, NBC has announced it will not air the episode of Fear Factor where contestants have to drink a beer stein full of donkey semen. The Glee episode where Kurt does that however is still set for later this week. Kidding! But how many erotic fan fics did I just inspire…

Anyway, the thing that really needs to be canceled is just regular Fear Factor. I mean, that show was groundbreaking in 2001 when people were shocked by the shallow depths of early reality TV, but in this age this stunt is just a weird mix of gross and quaint (20 Deutsch Marks to whoever can tell me how say “gross and quaint” in German!). Frankly, I don’t think Snooki or the Kardashians or anyone on basic cable would bat a false eyelash at drinking a mug of donkey jizz. Get with the times, NBC.

Dispatches from Crazytown: Cash and kisses

As a way of getting our readers totally psyched for the Iowa Caucus (they’re just a few weeks away), we here at E Pluribus Moron are going to start doing some quick, up-to-the-minute dispatches about this wild Republica primary season.

Romney Roulette

Mitt Romney loves to bet, because as we know christians don’t like gambling and Mitt Romney worships at the feet of Satan. Or the models on the Brooks Brothers website. Either way people were very perplexed as to why, at a debate in Iowa on Saturday night, Mitt Romney acknowledged Rick Perry’s existence bet Rick Perry a trifling $10,000 that he (Romney) is not in favor of individual mandates. Of course this is a silly thing to get stumped over, everyone knows that Mitt Romney can’t conceive of a smaller amount of money than $10,000. I’m mean what is he a hobo? Puh-leez.

Newt and a-DOLT-ery

Newt Gingrich, who is about as faithful to his spouses as he is to his half baked ideas to mine for gold on the moon, has signed a pledge which, among other wacky things, says Gingrich promises to “uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” The Family Leader, the conservative group behind the pledge and legal council for NAMBLA, has also demanded that Newt’s dog not lick its balls, his pope not be catholic and his bear not shit in the woods.

See ya next time on the Crazytown express!

Mr. 999 may 86 his campaign

BREAKING: The Cain Train may be about to fall off the tracks people! Which is all well and good since the Godfather Pizza CEO probably thinks public transportation is socialism.

Yes, the National Review is reporting the unthinkable: due to a never ending parade of mediocre looking ladies saying Herman Cain tried to get them to, errr, taste his pepperoni, Cain is assessing whether or not to drop out of the Republican Presidential primary.

NO! NO! I won’t believe it! Somebody pinch me. Or fondle me and make sexually suggestive remarks at me, which ever future President Cain prefers. I don’t know if I want to live in a world where all the loser candidates fall away and we’re left with 8 months of primary debates between Romney, not-Romney and Ron Paul. “But mistuh,” you say “won’t they stop the debates after Romney clearly wins the nomination?” Well Little Timmy, read Sartre’s No Exit and you’ll understand what I just said.

Drug dealers and the Case of the Magical Blowjob

Some stories are like a fine steak in that they really need none of our humor sauce to be truly delicious and thought provoking in their stupidity.

Consider this tidbit from the Houston Press: Police officers found a Texas man unconscious at a burger joint. Upon further examination, his friend Tina Marie Arie (who has the great honor of having a middle name that rhymes with her last name) and Howard Windham had given their friend too much of their illegal perscription drugs and he passed out. The unconscious man was taken to the hospital and Arie and Windham were arrested for possession and delivery of a controlled substance. What happened next was, well, just fanstastic: the Press reports that upon seeing something suspicious happening on their drive to jail, offcers opened the patrol car door to find that “Windham’s pants were unfastened and Arie was (orally) servicing his exposed genitalia.” BJs and PIs, am I right?

Now what this article doesn’t get around to discussing is shocking to me: if they were handcuffed when they were arrested, presumably with their hands behind their backs, how did Mr. Windham get his gentles out? Did he do it or did Tina Marie Arie? Which one of them is a wizard? IT BOGGLES THE MIND!!!!

PS-Another important question might be why would anyone on earth want to receive a Beej from this woman. Although I suppose if she was able to unfasten a mans pants using just her mouth her beejs might be pretty good if you can get by the meth mouth and possum stew breath…

The racial charged get racial shocked

Perhaps his sense of outrage at potentially racially charged attacks was hidden under his bloated gut…

In light of today’s revelations that future Mt. Rushmore member Herman Cain had sexually harassed two women at his job in the 1990s, Rush Limbaugh took to the radio to express his indignation. Limbaugh said “the mainstream media has launched an unconscionable, racially stereotypical attack on an independent, self-reliant conservative black because for him that behavior is not allowed.” Those members of the LAMEstream media are such jerks: they let everyone sexually harass their employees except poor old Herman Cain.

Mostly, I’m just kind of fascinated that Rush Limbaugh now seems to be able to understand what racially charged attacks are. I mean, maybe he just didn’t know that playing a song on the air called “Barack the Magic Negro” or that Donovan McNabb “was overrated because the media wanted to see a black quarterback succeed” was racially charged? It’s a little bit like Rush smeared his shit all over and then decried “my god it stinks in here”.

I can’t wait for Rush Limbaugh to discover that someone can be attacked for their gender, sexual orientation, nation of birth…ah fuck it. That’ll never happen.