E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Guns

The White House Needs a Black Light

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Things are getting…disgusting at the White House, as President Obama has blundered into a really unpleasant rhetorical issue in his quest to secure stronger gun control laws.

This latest contoversy started last week, when the President told the New Republic that he enjoys going skeet shooting while at Camp David. The Right has cried foul, suggesting that President Obama is faking his interest in skeet shooting to seem more reasonable on gun control. The White House for it’s part has fought back, mocking these conservative skeet critics of being “skeeters”.

Well I am here to tell you that all this talk of “skeet” has some intended rhetorical consequences. Indeed, there hasn’t been this much discussion of White House skeeting since the Clinton Impeachment!

As any fan of Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins will tell you, “skeet” is a slang term for – well, just ask your parents. Or any and all of Ke$ha’s bedding (I’m kidding she doesn’t have bedding she sleeps in a dumpster). I’m not positive the White House knows this though. For instance, Former White House advisor David Plouffe recently began a tweet with the phrase “Attn skeet Birthers.” Clearly he was unaware of the double entendre; sure “skeet” comes before “birth”, but that’s not Plouffe probably meant. Further more, when Plouffe encouraged all the haters to photoshop the image (seen above) of Obama shooting skeet, I feel like he didn’t anticipate the many giant wangs that will undoubtedly replace the shotgun.

The question is where is Anderson Cooper in all this? His Tea Party/Teabagger double entendre really set the bar for make political sex puns. Is he really going to let Obama’s skeet get away from him? Yes, as many suspect, Anderson Cooper loves skeet.

We’ll let you know more about them creamy, hot skeet story as it spurts forth.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

NRA eschews Gun, Mouth Control

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Earlier today Barack Obama announced his new plans for gun control legislation developed in the wake of the Newtown massacre. It’s chock full of pretty reasonable things about better tracking guns, ending the sale of assault weapons and high capacity rounds and other ideas to help ameliorate this little problem we have had lately with mass shooting sprees. Note that, unlike what Alex Jones and the Far Right might have you believe, Obama did not call for money to set up internment camps for gun owners. That’ll come later I’m sure.

The NRA for its part pre-butted (my new favorite term) the Administration’s press conference by releasing the most horrifying attack ad in recent memory. The ad accuses Obama of acting like an “elitist hypocrite” for letting his daughters have armed security in schools, but not supporting the NRA’s plans to load schools up with armed guards. I’m not convinced this will win Obama to their cause – indeed,  usually it’s not a very good idea to get at someone by attacking their kids. Unless of course they have really obnoxious children – Martin Sheen might let it slide if you called Charlie Sheen a deranged coke fiend. When it comes down to it, the NRA just loves attacking children I guess.

So where will this gun control legislation be successful? No one knows for sure. At the very least though the Administration’s snappy #NowIsTheTime hashtag means that they can win the Twitter war. Beating the NRA at the Twitter ground game is about as important a victory for the President here as, say, beating the NRA at Tic-Tac-Toe or Checkers. But not Russian Roulette – you know the NRA likes that one.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 16, 2013 at 4:54 pm

Finally, a Bi-Partisan Gun Control Solution

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While our nation is (somewhat) divided by what new gun control measures we should take in the wake of the Newtown School Massacre, there is at least one bright spot on our fractured horizon: the deportation of loudmouth CNN Anchor Piers Morgan. Politico is reporting that over 65,000 people have signed a new user-created petition on Whitehouse.org accusing Morgan of engaging in “a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment,” on a recent episode of his show. The petition demands that “Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.” This petition of course demonstrates the widely held belief that the Second Amendment is, like, a billion times more important than the First Amendment and the legally sound principle that the United States Constitution applies to non-citizens (it is the best Constitution after all – that’s why foreigners want to destroy its awesomeness).

And while this might sound like some conservative internet bullshit and an abuse of the White House’s public petitioning system, I think a lot of liberals could get behind this! Morgan is known for his obnoxious, smug style of interviewing and low rating ratings. Indeed, watching his show is one of those myriad tortures associated with a delay at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.

So I deport away! Thanks to global warming, putting the banished on an ice float and sending them to their doom is more economic than EVER.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 26, 2012 at 10:13 am

N(aturally) R(epellent) A(ssholes)

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So after a week of radio silence the NRA has finally issued a statement about the Newtown Massacre. True to form, they proved why freedom of speech is our most deeply annoying constitutional right. Wayne LaPierre, the group’s president, called for armed guards in our nation’s schools, saying “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” That statement alone seems to prove that Wayne LaPierre has suffered some sort of traumatic brain injury, reducing his reasoning capacity and therefore his political reasoning skills to those of a 7 year old (ya know, like the age that those kids who sadly weren’t armed were when they were mowed down with a semi-automatic rifle that LaPierre fought to keep legal).

But let’s piece this out: who, pray tell, would the NRA have serve as our matriculated mercenaries? Why “retired police and military” of course! And if you think using aged police officers and Vietnam vets to protect our children with guns is a bad idea, well then clearly the NRA thinks you ought to go straight to hell.

The NRA in it’s present form is closer to a terrorist group than a lobbying group. Can they lose their non-profit status as part of any gun control reform? Removing the people who ensure we have horrible gun laws has got to be at least as important as removing the guns themselves….

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Let’s Be Hasty

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Speaking earlier today with reporters, Pres. Obama announced that he has chosen Vice President Biden to head a commission in response to the Newtown massacre that will work to offer “concrete proposals” on gun control by January. As you know, a month in Washington D.C. can be an eternity, so let me be the first person to offer this plea to the Obama Administration and Congress: Let’s Be Hasty.

We need to act fast on gun control for two main reasons: first, the vast majority of us agree on what must be done. Second, to wait is to weaken the chance of genuine necessary reform.

There seems to be a pretty good consensus since the Newtown Massacre that semi-automatic weapons need to go. Adam Lanza used a Bushmaster rifle, a gun that only become legal to purchase after the lapse of the Federal Assault Weapons ban in 2004. Even Republican blowhards like Joe Scarborough agree we ought not sell this level of military weapon to civilians. Unless James Madison was secretly Rambo, it is indeed reasonable to assume that the Founding Fathers, who lived in an era of muzzle loaded single-fire muskets, did not mean to extend the protections of the second amendment to semi-automatic rifles and high capacity ammunition clips. Stick that in your originalist bike a smoke it, dead racist neckless-coward Robert Bork.

Timing is the second key factor here. We must have this conversation and act NOW. Indeed, one of the most pernicious fallacies of modern politics is the idea that we shouldn’t examine our gun laws after a high profile gun crime because it’s too sensitive a time. That is the completely wrong conclusion. After all, did you hear anyone after 9/11 say that we shouldn’t examine our counter-terrorism policy because it was too sensitive a time? No. The people who claim it’s too soon to act after a gun violence tragedy are also the same people who refuse to address gun laws in those brief lulls between massacres, claiming gun control activists are imagining scenarious that will never happen. The effect is to silence all gun control reform – essentially kicking the can down the road until the next Newtown, the next Aurora, the next Tuscon.

Let’s insist then that our leaders take serious action now. Changing our gun laws cannot bring back the dead in Newtown, nor will they end the chances that a determined madman committing a massacre, but we must agree that to allow the tools of massacre to go unregulated, unrestricted, is just asking for more violence. We know what we need to do and why we must do it NOW – let’s be hasty.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Fox News holds AG in Contempt!

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Breaking News: did you know that Fox News and paranoid talk radio hosts now have the ability to hold people in contempt of Congress? Yes the little know 28th Amendment let’s angry, frequently-divorced millionaires hold anyone they like in contempt before our august Congress. They just have to call someone a “slut” and presto! They’re in contempt.

Roger Ailes and his buddies will likely get to exercise this little known freedom shortly, as Attorney General Eric Holder has refused to turn over documents related to a botched ATF operation involving American firearms being smuggled into Mexico, meaning he’ll like be held in contempt. Now, only members of the conservative media thought that the operation, named “Fast and Furious” because the Attorney General is a BIG Vin Deisel fan, was a scandal. Literally no one else thought the embarassing incident amounted to anything.

Cue the Republican takeover of the House in 2010 and suddenly Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Darrell “Used car salesman” Issa took up Fox News’ unheaded battle cry and started grilling the Attorney General getting us to where we are now.

The Obama Administration for it’s part is now citing executive privledge, saying that it will not release the information Republican Inquisitors Investigators asked for in an attempt to stop contempt proceedings. Matt Drudge even has a charming photo of Obama and Nixon, that famous executive privledge lover, spliced together. Of course the Bush administration claimed executive privledge six times in eight years. But that was different! George Bush was a Republican.

Of course, being the chances of the Sargent at Arms of the House of Representatives arresting Eric Holder are about as high as say, anyone knowing what the fuck the Sargent at Arms of the House of Representatives is. Still this seems like a VERY worth while endeavor, after all, why should the committee investigating how to stop border violence be dealing with stopping border violence when there’s an Attorney General they could be arresting?

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 20, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Shooting your Childhood in the Face

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In its never ending quest to turn every municipal building in the nation into an Arby’s, the GOP has declared public workers their public enemy #1. And now, much like our former public enemy #1 Osama Bin Laden experienced in May 2011, that means we can now legally shoot some public sector workers in the face!

Earlier this year Indiana passed a law that allows citizens to shoot public servants (i.e. police officers and firefighters) who illegally enter your house. So while firefighters are empowered to break down your door with an axe if your house is burning down, Hoosier State firefighters better be ready to use that axe defensively if the resident isn’t convinced they’re there legally.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney on Friday attacked President Obama by saying “he wants another stimulus, he wants to hire more government workers. He says we need more fireman, more policeman, more teachers. Did he not get the message of Wisconsin? The American people did. It’s time for us to cut back on government.” This is a big moment guys: famous cop hating rapper Ice-T is just heartbeats away from endorsing Romney!

When it comes down to it though, it seems as though by striking out against on public employees, or letting citizens shoot them if they see fit, the GOP has declared war on the type of jobs that kids want to have. While all the other kids dressed up for Halloween firemen or astronauts (those lazy low-earth orbit swine sucking at the government’s teet), little Scott Walker was dressed up as…a hedge fund manager? A small businessman in Ohio?

So watch out Ballerinas and Marine Biologists, you’re next on the Right’s hit list.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 12, 2012 at 2:23 pm