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The Partisan Dweeb

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Uber-liberal former Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich is probably best remembered for running goofy, failed campaigns to become President of the United States and serious, successful campaigns to become President of Fern Gully. Now he has a whole new chance to expand his legacy, as it was announced yesterday that he will become a contributor to Fox News.
If I knew how to say this to him in Elvish I would, but sadly I don’t so here goes in English: Don’t Dennis! Fox News only hired you to make fun of you!
Fox News has a long history of hiring dorky, submissive nerdlinger liberals to go up against their burly, uber-mensch Conservatives. I mean, Alan Colmes has both the rhetorical might and upper body strength of an 8-year-old girl. Dennis Kucinich isn’t going to fair a whole lot better. In fact, that Sean Hannity is exactly the type of lunkhead jock who would invite a spaz like Kucinich on his show just so that he can give the former Congressman a swirly!
Of course, it’s not like Fox News is the only partisan cable outlet that hires dweebs from the other end of the political spectrum to appear balanced while actually only making the partisans from their side look better. MSNBC has a number of “conservatives” on retainer like former DNC Chairman Michael Steele whose conservative-for-MSNBC political beliefs match up eerily well with Juan Williams’ liberal-for-Fox-News beliefs. Steele definitely appears to be a delicate nerd, although that might be because compared to Rachel Maddow anyone would look feminine.
So kudos Fox News! You’ve found yourself a fine punching bag…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 17, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Al Jazeera Gores Glenn Beck

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It’s just as adult Glenn Beck and teenage Glenn Beck suspected all along: American liberals and Radical muslims are collaborating and nobody likes Glenn Beck.

I’m referring to the news today that Al Jazeera has inked a deal to purchase Current TV, a really depressing liberal cable television channel own by some guy named Al Gore. Al Jazeera, being owned by people in Qatar, is clearly a terrorist front and this deal is a fraud. More importantly though, who is this “Al Gore”? Is he like “Al Qaeda” or “Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade”? How did this mullah get a hold of television station in the first place?

This news comes as we also learn that Glenn Beck attempted to purchase Current TV earlier this year, but was rebuffed because he’s insane. I mean because Al Jazeera offered a better deal. Sure, Al Jazeera is a highly respected news organization, but unlike Glenn Beck it has its own brand of jeans. That sounds like a tough choice to me.

In the end though, it seems that given the choice between Al Jazeera’s grizzly Syrian Civil War footage and anything having to do with Glenn Beck, Al Gore went with Al Jazeera. Strange.

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January 3, 2013 at 5:15 pm

IBD Bashes O’s Ho Ho Ho

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Investors’ Business Daily (IBD), which used to be a real newspaper writing about real things, featured a hard hitting piece of journalism today discussing the Obama family’s scandalous White House Holiday decorations. “Amazing how a reelection can reshape an incumbent’s thinking about many things” the newspaper told us of President-for-Life Obama “Now safely ensconced in the White House for 49 more months, the Obamas have decorated the place with 54 Christmas trees this year.”

IBD, which again is a newspaper that important money folks read, speculated that there might be a connection between the lavish tree-massacre being celebrated at the White House and Obama’s intellectual best friend, Joseph Stalin. “The Obamas’ 54 trees this year are almost 50% more Christmas trees than  last year. That was during the campaign before Obama whispered a reminder to the  Russians that he had to be careful until Nov. 6, when a victory would give him more ‘flexibility.'” Decorated in red no doubt, the trees will be a welcome reminder of the great forests of Siberia when Obama invites the International Workers Party Congress to live in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, as IBD expects him to do later this month.

Of course, what the President’s Christmas trees have anything to do with IBD‘s usual focus on financial news is beyond me. Is the outlay of federal funds on pine trees contributing to our national debt perhaps? Good luck cutting that one in the Fiscal Cliff negotiations; as you know Republicans are only okay with the government spending money on war and (preferably Jesus-focused) Christmas decorations. Why do you think Bill O’Reilly likes discussing the War on Christmas so much???

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December 3, 2012 at 4:46 pm

God Save the Dinner Party

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Quick, put on some pearls so that you can have something to clutch: the New York Times, America’s paper of record, is reporting the tragic death of the New York society dinner party.

Indeed, the article written by Guy Trebay (that…that can’t be a real person’s name, right?) rightly points out that dinner parties are the one thing standing between our society and TOTAL CHAOS. Speaking with noted dinner partyologist Alex Hitz, Thebay reminds us of the great New York socialite hosts, from Nan Kempner to Brooke Astor, who are now gone (and just because they were both 150 years old. Sad.) “‘Every single one was different,’ Mr. Hitz said. “What they had in common was a sense of fun and community and gathering people together for good simple food.” Ahh yes, the simple joys of the megarich serving hearty, peasant foods like truffles and caviar to other salt of the earth millionaires. Why, back then anyone, and I mean anyone, with a dormitory at Princteon named after their grandpapa was welcome at the table.

But time and the demise of good breeding aren’t strong enough to bring down dinner parties on their own. No no: there are other factors. Tembay blames lawyers too, pointing out that guests find an “additional challenge to keeping things lively (today), given that in a litigious age, that durable staple of dinner parties, the innocent flirtation, has become a minefield of signals missed or, worse yet, taken up.” When will the Supreme Court honor Barbara Bush’s wishes and address dinner party conversation tort reform???

In the end though, modern barbarism has conquered even those who simply strive to host great dinner parties. David E. Monn, prominent party planner and (likely) owner of the world’s foremost decorative teaspoon collection tells the Times “People want to be civilized, so it all doesn’t turn into Caligula, and so they come to me saying: ‘I don’t know what to do if I’m having friends over for cocktails. What tray do you use? What do you put on the tray? Do you put out a piece of cheese?’” As you can see, without dinner party planners like Monn people will soon be reduced to bashing one another in the head with cheese trays and eating each others brains!

As we rapidly approach this apocalyptic world vision, the high society dinner party-deprived masses won’t even be prepared to barter for gasoline/shotgun shells because, as Trebay tells us “(few) people still see the point in accumulating china, silver and crystal at all.” Clearly, society is doomed (although the distaste in today’s boorish youth for candlesticks has certainly reduced New York’s billiard room muder mystery rate).

What a worthy and important article. I like it’s focus on the finer aspects of the now endangered dinner party and the article’s complete disregard for the fact that fancy dinner parties require hordes of underpaid, discriminated-against servants. And how they ignored the fact that these dinner parties were only as grand as they were because, marginalized by sexism and homophobia, the great now-gone hostesses and hosts could dedicate their every energy to these elaborate events. Also, I enjoyed the way Trebay forgot to mention (or was unaware of the fact) that the middle classes STILL HOST FUCKING DINNER PARTIES. Just because Nancy Reagan isn’t at your table doesn’t mean it’s not a dinner party. But like I said I’m glad that such vulgar truths weren’t covered by the article though.

Still this piece is a really spot on spoof of what Jack Donaghy might right for the New York Times if he were an old queen/a real person.

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November 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

A Quick Note to Dick Morris

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I just thought I’d share a quick suggestion that I have for former Clinton pollster/America’s roundest goblin/Prostitute toe-licker Dick Morris: stop talking. As we discussed earlier, Morris made the ludicrous prediction that Mitt Romney would win in a landslide and justified this nonsense with delusional Right Wing math. Morris appeared yesterday on Hannity to explain himself, saying “Sean, I hope people aren’t mad at me about it…I spoke about what I believed and I think that there was a period of time when the Romney campaign was falling apart, people were not optimistic, nobody thought there was a chance of victory and I felt that it was my duty at that point to go out and say what I said. And at the time that I said it, I believe I was right.” All is forgiven, right guys? Morris only lied to his target audience to make them feel better because as a paid employee of Fox News that’s his job.

I think I speak for us all when I say that if you made an enormous public boner like Morris did, it’s best just to apologize, say you was wrong and move on. Stop making excuses – especially ones that make you sound less like someone who made an honest, if large mistake and more like a duplicitous piece of shit. Indeed, I suspect Morris can’t stop talking for pathological reasons, as he’d rather be in the spotlight as a liar than in the shadowy kingdom of the gnomes where he emerged from.

Of course, not one to leave an interview without saying something that shreds the fabric of human deceny and the bounds of logic, Morris ended the interview by saying “The Republican Party will recover because ultimately, this president’s policies are wrong and they’re going to lead to an economic collapse in the second term which is going to make the Republican Party look great.” Yup, nothing makes Republicans look better than enormous economic suffering! I can’t wait to eat dog meat roasted over an open garbage can fire and discuss the benefits of School Vouchers.

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November 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Married with…CORRUPTION!

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Uh oh! Looks like the Obama campaign has trouble brewing again: the conservative racist-baiting bullshit factory known as The Daily Caller is reporting that in 1991 then law-student Barack Obama attended the wedding of Martha Raddatz, the ABC News Reporter who will be moderating tomorrow’s Vice Presidential Debate! Indeed, not since Moderator Marvin Kalb accidentally married Geraldine Ferraro to her opponent George H.W. Bush in 1984 has a wedding scandal so thoroughly rocked a VP Debate.

Oh sure, ABC News and the Obama team deny that attending the wedding 21 years ago will have any effect on the debate (Obama was friends with the Groom who in 1997 split with Raddatz), but we all know that’s nonsense. I’m sure that while Raddatz will ask Ryan tough, gotcha-style questions about abortion and oil exploration, she’ll just ask Biden if he prefers chicken or fish and which of her cousins from Milwaukee he wants to bang. And I can only imagine what will happen when Raddatz tosses the bouquet (let’s see you try to spin that, Rachel Maddow!).

One might say however that this levels the playing field: surely if Jim Lehrer got completely steamrolled by Mitt Romney at the last debate because he is a Public TV Pussy, then Biden deserves to have softball questions lobbed at him and drunkenly dance to Three Dog Night’s “Jeremiah was a Bullfrog” or whatever people do at weddings.

Hooray for debates (oh god please let these things end)!

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October 10, 2012 at 10:59 am

NYT story is pretty ruff

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God bless the New York Times: they have such a knack for finding new things for the bourgoisie to compete and fret over.

Today’s dreadful piece is about whether a new television network with programming specifically created from dogs is bad for little the golfball-sized brain of little Fontleroy, Cassiopia or whatever else New York Times’ subscribers name their thoroughbred Malty-poos.

Of course, the only thing that’s more ridiculous than ordering your dog a premium Cable channel is fretting that that channel will ruin Fido’s mind. IT’S A DOG. “Oh no is the slobbering beast that lives in my house and happily eats its own turds losing its perspicacity?!? At this rate it won’t even get into Vassar.”

So calm down New York Times’ reading dog owners. You only have enough energy to helicopter parents one species of dependents: better use it on your human children. At least until they open a dog Dalton anyway…

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April 27, 2012 at 10:37 am