Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’
Barack Obama was inaugurated President again today, but none of that matters because
Beyonce is so amazing he angered the Lord by tweeting! With BREATHLESS coverage, Drudge Report shared a linked confirming that while attending church before the inauguration, Obama some how tweeted “I’m honored and grateful that we have a chance to finish what we started. Our work begins today. Let’s go – BO.” Obviously, he has plenty of time to tweet in church because as someone who worships Karl Marx/Mohammed/Satan and not Jesus his was pretty free to check the ol’ Twitter account.
Of course, it COULD be that as the leader of the Free World and a 51-year-old man, Barack Obama doesn’t handle his own Twitter and that some person in his communications staff (probably some moonfaced 27 year old dickwad) tweeted that for the President while he was at church. Obama may claim to write his own tweets, but I doubt he actually sends them like the rest of us, sitting on the toilet stalking people from college and retweeting Buzz Feed articles about Top 20 Cat GIFs of 2012.
Jeez Barack, way to start of your second term with a massive Twitter scandal. What a troll.
Public Policy Polling, which recently made news by publishing a sort of joke poll (?) suggesting that South Carolinians want Stephen Colbert to replace retiring Senator Jim DeMint, has released a definite joke poll asking respondents which political party Santa Claus belongs to. 44% said Jolly Old Saint Nick is a Democrat and 22% said he is a Republican. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?
Santa is a Democrat: To borrow an idea from Mitt Romney, both Santa Claus and Barack Obama are obsessed with giving the gifts to the public (although at least Santa, unlike Obama, claims to care if you’re a good boy or girl). Plus, as a resident of the North Pole, Santa is likely very concerned with Climate Change. Note his sleigh, which has a very small carbon footprint. Therefore, Santa is a liberal do-gooder communist (he does wear an awful lot of red too).
Santa is a Republican: Santa employees thousands of elves, making him an important job creator. Plus, his business is based in the North Pole so he doesn’t have to pay those pesky taxes the Democrats are insisting on as part of the deal to avoid the Fiscal Cliff. Finally, Santa eats all those sugar-rich cookies and drinks all that fattening milk as a big “Fuck You” to Michelle Obama and the food police. Therefore, Santa is a Republican.
Santa is not an American citizen: Saint Nicholas was born in AD 270 in what is now Turkey. Therefore he’s at least not American and thus not a member of an American political party, if not also a member of an Islamic terrorist group.
Santa is not real and asking people about his political affiliation is stupid: Ahhhhhh!!!!! How could you?!?!??!?!?!! The children! Won’t somebody please think of the children!
Based on the imperical evidence and the best scientific data we have, Santa is obviously a Blue Dog democrat. However, will soon lose his seat when he is Gerrymandered into the same district as the Tooth Fairy, a well known conservative firebrand.
Oh and there is even more colorful news from Congressional Republicans today: Missouri Representative and Senate Candidate
Clay Aiken Todd Akin has made every woman in America cross their legs with his recent comments saying victims of “legitimate rape” don’t need access to abortions since they rarely become pregnant. Akin, an engineer and not a buhgina doctor, went on to say that “the female body has ways to try to shut…down” pregnancies from rape. Hooray for science!
Obviously these comments are so appalling that even REPUBLICANS are trying to distance themselves from Akin. For example, Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS Super PAC has announced it will no longer run planned ads for Akin, which is probably for the best as Akin no doubt wanted to run pieces explaining the difference between “legitimate rape” and rape that is “2 Legit 2 Quit”.
Speaking of 2 Legit 2 Quit, Akin is vowing not to drop out, saying on Sean Hannity’s radio show that while his words were a mistake that “I’m the only person in public office that suffered from
forcible penis-in-vagina foot-in-mouth disease.” Indeed, his party might have trouble getting Akin to drop out because he believes his race is “providential” and with Jesus at his side he may just stay in the race.
But ya know what, I say let’s call Akin’s bluff: if his campaign relies on providence then the candidate ought to ask Jesus to hold a press conference (Jesus is totally God’s Press Secretary) to show their support for Akin’s continued candidacy.
Stayed tuned! I bet this guy will drop out to, oh I don’t know, get his MD in obstetrics.
Thanks to Gawker‘s intrepid reporting,
I can stand to work in the professional world we here at EPM have recently learned that Chick-fil-A is run by a bunch of crazy right wingers who donate your fried chicken money to anti-gay groups.
Now, with the exception of some Southern gays who read this blog (Hi Brandon!) everyone knows that gays avoid Chick-fil-A because it’s empty calories and those are meant for vodka (plus, ya know, the name just butchers the French language). Not a big surprise there. What is a big surprise is that Chick-fil-A defends its bigoted charitable donations by saying, in the words Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy, that they’re corporate mission is “to glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us, and to have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.”
Well guess what Mr. Cathy, I just got off the phone with Jesus Christ himself and not only does he think it’s unholy to hate your fellow man, he is especially pissed off that Chick-fil-A thinks it’s glorifying god by clogging Americans’ arteries with the fried meat of mutated chicken monsters. Did God invent the chicken? Possibly. Did he invent the chicken nugget? No. That was Satan (why do you think those little sodium bombs are so irrisistable?).
So there you have it: Chick-fil-A is part of Satan’s plan to enslave us all. Praise Jesus and his healthy (and sustainably produced) fried fish sandwiches!
PS- For further information, Eliza C. Thompson, our Drector of Sustainability and Fried Chicken Products, recommends you watch this video.
Did you know that there is a primary election going on for the Republican Presidential Nomination? I kind of thought that the Puppy Bowl on Sunday solved all that, but it looks like we’re going to have to slog through a few more months of pretending to care about what Missouri Republicans think…
Rick Santorum, who I did not know was a Christian, is trying to rile up his supporters in Colorado by strongly criticizing Obama over his administration’s policy that forces some religiously offiliated institutions to pay for (the horror) their employees birth control. When the White House said today it is working with religious institutions on the policy, Santorum told supporters “that’s just a bunch of poppycock.” Is Rick just trying to make his Google problem worse with words like poppycock? I dare you to look up “Poppycock” and “Santorum” at work and not get fired.
Lil’ Ricky also made an appeal to voters in Minnesota when he visited the company that makes his signature sweater vests. I’m sorry but for someone so deeply associated with a by-product of deviant sex (otherwise known as “poppycock”), having a signature sweater vests is realllllly lame. That’s like having a signature beige or a signature yawn. Still, those vests will keep him nice and warm when he ascends to heaven to meet his best pal/Super PAC funder Jesus!
Rick Santorum is in New Hampshire, fighting to extend his miracle finish in the Iowa caucus and probably buying a bunch of discount liquor (there is nothing else to do in the part of New Hampshire that people actually live in). But as he becomes the new anti-Romney, Santorum has managed to say some genius nuggets of wisdom in just the past 24 hours!
Why just yesterday, when responding to someone who said “We don’t need a Jesus candidate; we need an economic candidate,” St.Rick told an audience “My answer to that was, we always need a Jesus candidate!” So yeah, Santorum endorsed Jesus for the GOP presidential nod. Good luck Jesus! You’re gonna need Jesus, you dirty class-warfare loving hippie. Still, he can’t do worse than Jon Huntsman…
Secondly, let’s move to another topic that has Republican candidates crying out “Dear Jesus!”, albeit in an unhappy way. Today we learned that the U.S. economy added 200,000 jobs. That’s awesome! But as I’m sure you know the President could not receive credit for it. No no. Indeed, Rick said of these good numbers “the job market is beginning to pick up a little bit (because) I think there might just be some optimism that maybe Republicans are going to take the White House.” Oh please Rick, if investors thought you were on the verge of becoming President they would invest all their money in Astroglide and KY Jelly.
Stay tuned for photos of Rick Santorum comparing jet skiing on Lake Winnipesaukee to his opposition to stem cell research.
PS-I just found out this is EPM’s 666th post! Freaky! Santorum as antichrist rumors anyone? Who wants to start them with me?