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The Big Hiatus

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Hey fans –

I have some sad news to announce to you all – due to my new job, I’m now a whole lot busier and will be putting my blogging on hiatus. I’m not sure who still reads this silly site, but I wanna thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you.

I hope very much to start writing again for you someday. Until then, may Sarah Palin bless you…

-Your benevolent editor


Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 28, 2013 at 9:53 pm

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Make it Platinum!

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As we all hunker down for another colossally dumb fight over the Debt Ceiling, a group of sneaky Jews Jewish Democrats Democrats has come up with an incredible plan to go around those stubborn House Republicans who are more or less refusing to raise the Debt Ceiling without big spending cuts and essentially threatening to have the US default on its debt and destroy the world economy if they don’t get what the want.

Paul Krugman shared this amazing solution today, sharing an idea based on a legal loophole that would allow “the Treasury to mint platinum coins in any denomination the secretary chooses. Yes, it was intended to allow commemorative collector’s items — but that’s not what the letter of the law says. And by minting a $1 trillion coin, then depositing it at the Fed, the Treasury could acquire enough cash to sidestep the debt ceiling — while doing no economic harm at all.”

The plan is so crazy and devious it might just work! Of course, Gawker rightly points out that this opens up the United States Treasury to a Ocean’s 11-style heist, but when it comes to sheer precious metal lust, I worry more about an attack from a super villain. And don’t say that’s not a legitimate concern – after all, House Republicans are threatening to blow up the world if they don’t get what they want, right? I don’t see how adding an actual super villain into the dialogue around the logic of minting a trillion dollar platinum coin makes the discussion any less serious.

As you know, Ronald Reagan laid the ground work for protecting the United States against moon-based death rays, a weapon that could be used to steal a trillion dollar coin. And while hiring the Avengers to protect the trillion dollar platinum coin would be expensive, minting said coin would allow the Obama to pay them, which is just the kind of discretionary-superhero-spending that House Republicans would never allow. The coin makes excellent sense then, especially since we could always put something kind of fun and wacky on it too!

I would however caution against taking that platinum and making one trillion dollar ring to rule them all, as it will summon the wrath of Sauron and given the Benghazi mess and the confirmation battle over Chuck Hagel the last thing the administration needs is another foreign policy headache.

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January 7, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Finally, a Bi-Partisan Gun Control Solution

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While our nation is (somewhat) divided by what new gun control measures we should take in the wake of the Newtown School Massacre, there is at least one bright spot on our fractured horizon: the deportation of loudmouth CNN Anchor Piers Morgan. Politico is reporting that over 65,000 people have signed a new user-created petition on Whitehouse.org accusing Morgan of engaging in “a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment,” on a recent episode of his show. The petition demands that “Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.” This petition of course demonstrates the widely held belief that the Second Amendment is, like, a billion times more important than the First Amendment and the legally sound principle that the United States Constitution applies to non-citizens (it is the best Constitution after all – that’s why foreigners want to destroy its awesomeness).

And while this might sound like some conservative internet bullshit and an abuse of the White House’s public petitioning system, I think a lot of liberals could get behind this! Morgan is known for his obnoxious, smug style of interviewing and low rating ratings. Indeed, watching his show is one of those myriad tortures associated with a delay at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.

So I deport away! Thanks to global warming, putting the banished on an ice float and sending them to their doom is more economic than EVER.

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December 26, 2012 at 10:13 am

Now Serving Convention Surprise!

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Well things are finally getting up and running in Tampa as the Republican Party meets to name Mitt Romney their “Sexiest Man Alive”. People are mostly focused on the crazy weather in the Gulf, but there are some other fun surprises in store. In fact, the Wall Street Journal is reporting that “buried deep in the convention schedule released Monday is a vague reference to a mystery speaker scheduled for the event’s final evening.”

So who might this “mystery speaker” be? Well I placed a call to my bookie and, after being savagely beaten for not paying my gambling debts, he offered me these odds on who this mysterious convention guest will be:

3 to 2 odds – The reanimated zombie corpse of Ronald Reagan

5 to 2 odds – The animated zombie corpse that Bob Dole

8 to 1 odds – Besse Cooper, who upon turning 116 today became both the world’s oldest person and the target political demographic for the GOP

16 to 1 odds – “The Rent Is Too Damn High” party guy

52,000 to 3 odds – Tina, the Legitimate Rape Panda

3 to 1 odds – Ayn Randy and Trancy Reagan, Tampa’s #1 Conservative Drag Queen Duo!

18 to 1 odds – Not so much a mystery speaker as a video of Romney pulling back a shower curtain to find Newt Gingrich there, informing the Governor that it was alll just a crazy dream and the primaries never really happened

637,989,111,004 to 1 – Former President George W. Bush.

I like those Dubya odds: for just one dollar I could get paid back the GDP of Switzerland! Ooo that’s a NICE country.

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August 28, 2012 at 11:41 am

The Venus de Limbaugh

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Usually when one hear’s the words “Rush Limbaugh” and “Bust” together in a news story, one assumes it’s either about the Feds arresting the quack “prescribing” him Vicodin or the story has something to do with his voluptuous, Jane Mansfield like bossom. But no! In this case “bust” refers to a controversial statue that has been proposed to honor America’s #1 slut-shamer (take that, every Frat boy!) in his home state of Missouri.

The bust, proposed by Missouri Speaker of the House Steve Tilley, would reside in the Capitol’s Hall of Great Missourians along with Harry Truman, author William S. Burroughs and, oh I don’t know, Starlene Spuckler, inventor of the one bucket meth lab. Critics are furious, saying that in light of Limbaugh’s recently insane Slutgate comments honoring him with a statue would be, in the words of MO Minority Leader Mike Talboy, “seen as a tacit endorsement of his misogynistic attitudes.”

While I agree with Mr. Talboy, I think there is a greater problem here: sure, honoring someone as deeply hateful at Rush Limbaugh is a bad idea, but in a time of reduced spending and state budgets cuts, can the Show Me State really afford the fancy stone needed to properly reproduce Rush’s hideous jowels in sculpture? There just isn’t enough marble in Carrera.

Indeed, I have to imagine there are better uses for state funds. Ya know, like producing a bust of slender handsome Missuori native Scott Bakula. Or that sexy beast and MO native Jon Hamm (now that’s a statue a state could be proud of!).

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March 7, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Relax guys, she’s been pregnant dozens of times

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While I commend FEMA’s post-Katrina vigor in the face of this potential natural disaster, I think we may need to all tone down our excitement/terror about the possible Snooki pregnancy.

Like I said, she’s likely been pregnant dozens of times (no one told her flavored condoms are for fucking, not eating), and with strong denials from her publicist (blah blah blah) I think we’re unlikely to see her pounding shots for two on the next season of The Jersey Shore. Or, sadly, crushing up and snorting pre-natal vitamins.

But if she IS about to lay a fertilized egg (that’s how Snookis give birth dontchaknow), this baby would be a GOLDMINE. I’m thinking a line of slutty club wear for babies would actually sell really well. Toss in an endorsement deal to feed her child nothing but Qream (the oh so classy cream based liquer), and this baby will be a money making machine!

Plus, I would pay good money to see Snookis baby fight one of those horrible little Kardashian babies…

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February 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

Does GOPadmapper exist yet?

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You want to know how unhappy conservative Republicans are with the knowledge that their presidential nominee is going to be Mitt Romney? They’ve begun to pretend that Herman Cain, whose “Cain Train” is one engine short of a caboose if ya know what I mean, is a real contender.

That’s why the slightly more reasonable members of the GOP were BEGGING New Jersey governor Chris Christie to run for president this weekend, despite the fact that he has said no like a million times. Stop trying to make fetch Christie happen Gretchen Republicans! It’s not going to happen.

Indeed, in observing all of this I can’t help but think of my own apartment search, err, searching for EPM’s office space…Basically I spent a lot of time trying to find the absolute perfect place. I drove myself nuts until I realized that finding a good place now was better than holding out for a place that was 100% right but might never come. And that’s what Republicans are doing now: because the Koch brothers haven’t quite figured out how to raise Reagan’s corpse from the dead (but oh they are trying), everyone is looking for the perfect candidate. Today Christie is that perfect candidate, last month Perry was that perfect candidate and in the spring that perfect candidate was (ugh) Donald Trump.

LEARN TO SETTLE A LITTLE GOP. You’ll be a lot happier and more productive when you. And to anyone who questions my Chris Christie-as-apartment-hunting analogy remember: the Govenor is as fat as a house, so it’s actually pretty apt.

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October 3, 2011 at 11:16 am