E PLURIBUS MORON

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Dispatches from Crazytown: Cash and kisses

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As a way of getting our readers totally psyched for the Iowa Caucus (they’re just a few weeks away), we here at E Pluribus Moron are going to start doing some quick, up-to-the-minute dispatches about this wild Republica primary season.

Romney Roulette

Mitt Romney loves to bet, because as we know christians don’t like gambling and Mitt Romney worships at the feet of Satan. Or the models on the Brooks Brothers website. Either way people were very perplexed as to why, at a debate in Iowa on Saturday night, Mitt Romney acknowledged Rick Perry’s existence bet Rick Perry a trifling $10,000 that he (Romney) is not in favor of individual mandates. Of course this is a silly thing to get stumped over, everyone knows that Mitt Romney can’t conceive of a smaller amount of money than $10,000. I’m mean what is he a hobo? Puh-leez.

Newt and a-DOLT-ery

Newt Gingrich, who is about as faithful to his spouses as he is to his half baked ideas to mine for gold on the moon, has signed a pledge which, among other wacky things, says Gingrich promises to “uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” The Family Leader, the¬†conservative group behind the pledge and legal council for NAMBLA, has also demanded that Newt’s dog not lick its balls, his pope not be catholic and his bear not shit in the woods.

See ya next time on the Crazytown express!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

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