E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Archive for the ‘Health and science’ Category

Global Warming is just gross

with one comment

Sure global climate change is sad, destructive and terrifying, but so is seing an old person’s genitals. Wait, what do these two awful things have in common? Well thanks to the former, you’re going to see a whole lot more of the latter in public.

I am of course talking about the rapid growth of the nudist industry. Sacremento’s CBS affiliate is reporting a local nudist camps are doing extremely well this summer thanks to an unusual heat. Yes, people can seem to get enough of bathing their saggy, deteriorating bodies in nudist-friendly pools and spas. “Obviously everybody wants to wear as little as possible when it’s hot. It’s too hot to mow the lawn, and you see people going where there’s water” a nudist told CBS.

So listen up people who run their air-conditioners too much! By keeping your bedroom at 68 degrees rather than a livable 72, you’re pumping pollutants into our atmosphere that encourage old people (let’s face it, almost all nudists are old) to take off their clothing and play lawn sports. That’s not (ahahahahahaha) cool.

Advertisements

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 13, 2012 at 4:53 pm

The Lone (person with Health Insurance) Star State

leave a comment »

We’ve all heard the phrase “Don’t Mess With Texas” and now we know why: it doesn’t have any health insurance! One bruised kidney could lead the state to financial ruin.

Thankfully, that’s how Texas likes it. Governor Rick Perry, who I liked a lot better when he ran an adorable presidential campaign (seriously the thing had the discipline and forethought of a child’s lemonade stand), just announced that his administration “will not implement an expansion of the Medicaid program or create a health insurance exchange” as mandated in the Affordable Care Act. This great news for the 24.8 percent of Texans who lack health insurance: now they can live free of the threats posed by having access to reasonably priced medical care!

Texas isn’t the only state taking a pass on expanding health insurance coverage, but it’s definite the biggest, dumbest and loudest kid in the group. Yes, they’ve really slipped the yoke of Washington oppression by not running a state based insurance exchange and expanding state-run medicaid programs. Sure, the federal government does have the legal authority under the ACA to step in and run these insurance programs should states opt out, and I imagine the Obama administration will exercise that authority, but nothing says “States Rights!” like letting the federal government run a program that a state could itself.

So kudos to Governor Rick Perry! You’ve simultaneously denied a quarter of your citizens access to locally based healthcare initiatives and while allowing the federal government new powers in your state. Oh Rick. I think you may love the feds, you’re just playing coy…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 10, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Roberts’…Brain…No…Good…

with one comment

So remember yesterday when I said that Conservatives were going to try to find a way to personally discredit the decision of Chief Justice John Roberts to uphold Obamacare? Well someone get me a sad/creepy booth on the boardwalk, ’cause I’ma muthafuckin psychic!

Conservative radio talk show host slash noted homosexual Dan Michael Savage said last night on his radio program that John Roberts voted the way he did because (drum roll please)…he has a brain problem! Savage told listerns “It’s well known that Roberts, unfortunately for him, has suffered from epileptic seizures. Therefore he has been on medication. Therefore neurologists will tell you that medication used for seizure disorders, such as epilepsy, can introduce mental slowing, forgetfulness and other cognitive problems. And if you look at Roberts’ writings you can see the cognitive dissociation in what he is saying.”

So you heard it here first guys: people with epilepsy can’t serve on the Supreme Court. Sure, Reagan was definitely coming down with Alzheimers during his second term, but it was the 1980s so and everyone’s frontal lobes were pretty fried from cocaine anyway.

Really then the only solution here is to give John Roberts a lobotomy: he’ll fit right in at the next Tea Party meeting!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 29, 2012 at 12:20 pm

John Roberts you saucy bitch

leave a comment »

Breaking news out of Washington, D.C.: Chief Justice John Roberts is gay! Or a communist! Well he’s got to be something Republicans don’t like, as he just proved the crucial swing vote in upholding the Obama Administration’s Healthcare law.

People are rightly saying that Roberts has sought to “balance his own conservatism with his desire to build faith in the law and the nation’s legal institutions”. I think the naked partisanship behind those opposed to this bill (especially since its intellectual foundations are firmly rooted in previous Republican proposals) would have come through had the Supreme Court struck down Obamacare. Indeed, had the bill fallen, the Supreme Court, the supposedly least partisan branch of our government, would have proved to be just as paralyzed by partisan gridlock as our other 2 branches of government.

People in Washington know a thing or two about gridlock (go ahead, I dare you to take 495 on a thursday morning), and it’s nice to know that Roberts, who is still way to the right of most Americans, had the balls to support his institution over his ideology. Scalia, Thomas and Alito (and I guess Kennedy too) had no intention of judging this case fairly – they have proven themselves to be just really terrible at their jobs. Kara DioGuardia, a failed American Idol judge, is now more qualified to sit on the highest court in the land than any of the dissenters in this case. I mean, I’m sure that the liberal justices came in with their own findings too – but hey, 1 out of 9 people being an independent thinker really isn’t that bad. Right now anyway. (Ugh we have set the bar pretty low, haven’t we?)

Meanwhile, these is a huge blow to the conservative movement. I suspect that if Sean Hannity had a brain to blow out he would have done so this morning. Conservatives will push their hardest to repeal this law legislatively now. Unfortunately, people this election will be voting on the economy, not healthcare, so good luck with that one, Tea Baggers! I think Obama came out of this one by the skin of his teeth but in a much firmer position for reelection.

Now can all go back to paying attention to the real issues? Like what the growth in luxury dog house sales says about the state of our nation’s economy.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 28, 2012 at 11:14 am

An Orifice By Any Other Name…

leave a comment »

Quick! Somone loosen the corset of every male Republican in the Michigan House of Representatives, for I fear that they shall soon get the vaypuhs!

In a debate on the House floor over a truly repugnant anti-choice bill, Democratic Rep. Lisa Brown argued that the bill violates her religion, as the bill’s restrictive measures go against the tenants of her Jewish faith (ugh it’s always the loud-mouth Jew broads isn’t it?). Brown closed her speech by telling the Speaker of the House “I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no.”

The House Republicans, because of their delicate Victorian constitutions, banned Brown from speaking about another completely unrelated bill shortly thereafter. “What she said was offensive” said Republican Rep. Mike Colton, his metals for valor at Antietam shining as his puffed away on his cigar and sipped his brandy, “It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.”

First of all, it’s revealing that Republicans consider men and women serving in government together as”mixed company”. But here’s my real question: If you refuse to say the anatomical word for a body part in public, how can you pass public laws that effect that body part? Hiding behind nicknames won’t work either (I’m pretty sure you can get booted from the Michigan House for saying “pocketbook” “hairy clam” or “meat curtains”). You wanna legislate on it? Then you’d better be able to discuss vaginas in “mixed company”.

And in case you think this is just a one off bit of sexism, the Republicans also denied Democrat Barb Byrum the right to speak after she introduced “an amendment to the (abortion bill) banning men from getting a vasectomy unless the sterilization procedure was necessary to save a man’s life.”  Please Rep. Byrum! Don’t say “vasectomy” in mixed company!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 15, 2012 at 10:48 am

The Lohan Lending Liability

leave a comment »

Sometimes, we humans make bad bets. From WMD’s in Iraq to the Soviet Invasion of Afghanistan to allowing Donald Trump anywhere near a microphone, we all at some point make judgements that go wrong.

Still, some decisions are more likely to be bad than others. We know this with news coming from Los Angeles, where Lindsay Lohan managed to total a loaned Porche by slamming it into an 18-wheeler. By the way, the mistake I am referring to in this post isn’t Lohans accident, but whatever person lent her a car. Lending Lindsay Lohan your porshe is a little big like lending her your 8-ball of coke: you’re just not going to get it back in the condition you lent it to her in. I mean, this girl couldn’t get car insurance if she only promised to drive in Mario Kart.

Also, now TMZ is reporting she lied to cops about the accident, which is the kind of felony that could get her sent back to jail. Clearly, none of this would have happened if she was still driving Herbie the Love Bug from Herbie: Fully Loaded.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm

The Bell Tolls for Thee (and thy bloated gut)

leave a comment »

Taco Bell revealed today that its unholy Doritos Locos Tacos, a taco using a hard shell made out of Nacho Cheese Doritos, have been purchased over 100,000,000 times in just 10 weeks. I mean, I’m glad to know our nation has the ample marijuana supplies to keep this up, but in the age of flesh eating zombies, we must ask ourselves if we’d be better off as a nation of cannibals or out-of-control Taco Bell enthusiasts.

I can’t even begin to describe why this is bad for our country. First of all, our aging sewer systems simply cannot handle the stress that 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos is surely putting on it. Congress can’t cut taxes for millionaires and deal with our nation’s growing Taco Bell-dysentary issues people! Also, I’m pretty sure serving tacos in a Dorito shell is an act of war against Mexico. And those guys don’t fuck around, am I right residents of Ciudad Juarez?

Well at least it couldn’t get any worse. Oh wait, what’s that? Taco Bell has just released a breakfast drink thats part Orange Juice/part Mountain Dew? Great work, Taco Bell executive chef Britney Spears. I’ll be taking a nap on that bridge in Miami, anyone who wants to kill me can just go ahead.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 4, 2012 at 4:53 pm