Rick Santorum v. 90% of Web’s Content

If Al Gore created the Internet, then Rick Santorum is here to destroy it.

As part of his moral crusade to save America from the evils of post-Treaty of Westphalia life, Rick Santorum announced today that as President he would harshly crackdown on internet pornography. I mean he would just grab internet porn by it’s throat, hike up its skirt, call it a dirty slut and punish fuck it until it leaves our world wide web alone.

Why now though? As anyone who has ever been on the internet knows, pornography is mildly popular on the web. Well, Santorum’s website claims that “The Obama Administration has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture from the scourge of pornography and has refused to enforce obscenity laws.” Umm I don’t think you can blame Obama for the profliferation of digusting internet porn: in fact, I’m pretty sure that “Two girls, one cup” came out during the Bush administration. Obama actually would have stopped tha video’s release because, as we know, that disgusting video promotes some very unhealthy eating habits (vomits all over desk).

I’m curious to see how this will affect his appeal with our nation’s perverts. Will they turn out to vote against him? And if they do will I have to use the same voting booth as they do? Because I am just not willing to touch that leaver or the booth’s curtains.

A special moment from the American Justice System

The American justice system is a bewildering, Foucaultian nightmare. It can also make people say hilarious things!

Like this story out of Fort Worth, Texas, which I won’t embellish too much because it’s so weird it kind of speaks for itself: Kenneth Clyde Jackson was sentenced to 18 years in prison today, stemming from an arrest in 2010 where police found Jackson nude in the plastics warehouse at which he worked. When retrieving his clothes, police found child porn on Jackson’s computer. That’s not the weird thing about this story.

The WEIRD thing about this story comes from a statement made by Assistant District Attorney Martin Purselley who successfully prosecuted Jackson. When asked to comment on the case, Purselley joked “(Jackson’s) job description didn’t include prancing around naked while looking at child pornography.”

Now I don’t know everything that an Assistant District Attorney does, but I’m guessing that it’s not a position with a “job description didn’t include prancing around naked while looking at child pornography.” Other positions that don’t involve “job (descriptions) didn’t include prancing around naked while looking at child pornography” include: Pirate, Nick Nolte’s Biographer, High-end lamp designer and doctor/train conductor/grave digger. Indeed, if you find a job whose description includes “prancing around naked while looking at child pornography”, you might need to call Monster.com.

Still, thank you American justice system. You so funny.

We must stop KardashiLin

Jeremy Lin is now everyone’s favorite Asian American basketball star since ummm, are there asians who play professional basketball that aren’t pituitary gland tumor cases from China? I’m not sure. Either way now that he’s a famous basketball player rumors are swirling that the people managing Kim Kardashian’s sagging career want to set the two of them up.

“Stuff about me dating Kim Kardashian, I mean, I have no idea where that came from and all these other rumors,” said Lin on Good Morning America, where he added he probably wasn’t her “type”. Listen as long as you are famous, tall and don’t mind Kris Jenner directing your sex tape you’re Kim’s type.

But alas it sounds like it isn’t meant to be. I suppose if Kim Kardashian still wants to be groan-worthingly relevant, she could just participate in that stupid “Things People Think I do” meme. All she would need is photoshop and a bunch of images of her looking vapid and whorey. Oh wait! They have a magazine industry that was pretty much based around that for the past 2 years…

Babyoncé has arrived!

Beyoncé, who I am pretty sure was indeed pregnant with Jay-Z child, gave birth yesterday to a baby girl named Ivy Blue Carter. Congratulations world! The new messiah has come: since this means that the Kingdom of Heaven shall soon begin on earth we can skip the whole nominating process and just anoint Rick Santorum, Jesus’ BFF, as our leader.

This is such great news that I am fighting hard to ignore my disappointment that Jay-Z and Beyoncé, who seem to be relatively normal people, couldn’t give their child a normal name. Why Ivy? Is it to indicate the group of colleges this child will surely be able to waltz into? Or is it an insurance policy so that should she go all child-of-two-mega-celebrities-crazy and become a porn star she won’t have to change her name? I dunno.

Also, why hasn’t Barack Obama tweeted about this yet????? I thought he and Hova were besties. Frankly the birth of this uber-baby may help his reelection campaign…

The Porn Bunker is a thing, not a disgusting website

Ever wonder what, besides the Constitution and Van Jones resignation letter, Glenn Beck pleasures himself to at night? Well my deeply disturbed friend, it’s about to be this: San Fernando Valley-based porn company Pink Visual has announced it’s building an underground doomsday bunker. Well if a porn company knows one thing it’s how to drill a hole, right?

According to a spokeman the bunker (pictured above because I’m at work and will not google image search “porn bunker”) will be “‘far more than a mere bomb shelter or subterranean survivalist enclave’ with amenities such as multiple fully-stocked bars, an enormous performing stage and a sophisticated content production studio.” Plus in the event of nuclear war inhabitants will be well insulated by all those fake breasts, as silicon can withstand massive amounts of radition.

But before you go invest all your money in this fuckfest fall out shelter, remember a few things. First, STDs would likely wipe out the population before you could emmerge. Secondly, rescues my confuse the moans and wails of something getting DPed with the moans and wails of doomsday mutant zombies and not help you.

Do Frito Lays have a doomsday shelter? Shit throw a hydroponic marijuana and a DVD box set of Dr. Who farm in their and you’d be set for the post-apocalypse.

Abercrombie and Sitch

Imagine, if you will, being so disgusting that a company whose entire advertising scheme looks like gay porn publicly tells you that you’re too gross to wear their clothing. Such is the life of The Situation from The Jersey Shore.

MSNBC is reporting that your trampy little cousin’s favorite retailer Abercrombie and Fitch has expressed concern about the Situation wearing their branded clothing on his hit reality show. In its press release the company said “this association (with the Situation) is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans”. Indeed, they’re willing to pay him to stop wearing their clothing!

First of all, is Abercrombie and Fitch really an aspirational brand? I just thought it was where 15-year-old girls went to find the men who would eventually statutory rape them: the Sitch seems PERFECT for that. He is their perfect celebrity: why not have Philly Blunts paySnoop Dogg to lay off their product? It’s madness. 

Also from a legal/military stand point this sets a dangerous precident: soon Al Qaeda will be sporting baggy cargo shorts and logo emblazened t-shirts just to extort money out Abercrombie and Fitch. It’s a lose/lose “situation”.

There is no word yet however as to whether or not Valtrex thinks their association with The Jersey Shore is bad for their company’s image.

Notorious Nipples and Guilty Gazungas

Ughhhh I’m pretty sure that if I put on a fur coat, biked in the blazing sun to Ke$ha’s gynocologist’s office and performed a pap smear using just my face I would feel less dirty and disgusting that I do reading the following story…

Apparently, Casey Anthony, the woman who is “not guilty” of murdering her child, may or may not have been offered $500,000 to appear in Hustler. That case illicited alot of emotions, but I’m guessing lust wasn’t one of them. I can’t recall watching her on TV and thinking “man I can’t wait to see Casey Anthony drinking champagne and masturbating with a string of pearls”. (What that’s what Hustler photoshoots look like. It’s a very classy magazine.)

It’s weird that we’ve reached a point in American society where notoriety automatically means you get a spread in a titty magazine. Think of all the reality show stars/people who’ve banged Tiger Woods who that has happened to! In fact Gloria Allred should just start her own porno mag—she could really consolidate her business interests that way.

Still, Anthony appearing in Hustler would officially make Nancy Grace’s head explode, and I’d be okay with that. Justice for all!

Representative Wu had to Gu

And now we will be making a brief interuption in our coverage of the Congress quickly destroying the American economy for political gain to report on a sex scandal. Oh thank god.

Rep. David Wu (D-OR), pictured above in the creepiest House of Representatives photo since Debbie Wasserman Schultz got a spread in Barely Legal, has resigned his position after engaging in “aggressive and unwanted sexual behavior” with an 18 year old girl. It’s good to know that even when our government collapses these people will still be able to have sex scandals, right?

Although I guess I’m not exactly sure what “unwanted” sexual behavior means. When Verna, the 80 year old secretary in the (imaginary) EPM offices tries to tell us about the time she got a ride on Errol Flynn’s famous mustache, is that not unwanted sexual behavior as well? My guess is Wu’s was even more unpleasant, so good for him for heading the lessons of one Anthony Weiner and resigning.

Thus ends the House of Representatives furry caucus.

UPDATE: Hahaha the New York Post wrote an article about this called “Wu pulled a weiner“. Those guys are dick joke makin’ machines!

Save us from the Sheen-pocalypse!

As we all know, America’s ________est _______ is like Charlie Sheen’s _______ is a ______ing _______! Okay I’m too lazy today to fill in the rest of the opening joke. You do it.

I don’t even need to explain to you anything about Charlie Sheen’s dissent into Lohan-ian madness, but I do feel that we should note that his televised bathtub drowning of the American comedy tradition, otherwise known as Two and a Half Men, has been cancelled for the rest of the season because of Sheen’s bizarre behavior.

Sheen, who is “vacationing in the Bahamas with a girlfriend, (an) ex-wife and a porn star”, called into a radio station in the States and called TAAHM‘s producers “pussies” and “turds”. Now he’s out of a job for a few months! Just what Charlie Sheen needs: fewer responsibilities.

Now Deadline Hollywood, which I usually feel is a pretty awesome new source, asked the question “should (the show) continue?” and I think the answer to that brilliant question is a resounding DEAR GOD NO. Have you watched that show? It is beyond awful. It’s unfunny and stupid even by CBS standards. Charlie Sheen’s boozing and whoring is probably just a manifestation of the guilt he has for unleashing this awfulness on the world.

You want to save his life? Cancel his show which isn’t even good enough for xanax-and-a-red-wine airplane hallucination time.