E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘The Kardashians

It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Zing)

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With tonight’s first President Debate appearing to be the last opening Mitt Romney’s campaign has to regain any semblence of momentum, stakes have never been higher for the former Governor. That’s why as we learned a few days ago in the New York Times, Romney’s aides have given him a number of “zingers” with which he can smack down President Obama at their debate. He’s been practicing for months and as we know, there is nothing better than an intensely well-pracitce zinger.

But what ribald lines does Romney have in store for us? Well, EPM‘s man on the inside of the Republican Nominee’s campaign has provided us with this top secret list of zingers to watch for:

On the 47%: “I can’t get these people or their leader Obama to care about their lives…or their caviar selection! ~Dabs away flop sweat with Picasso lithograph~”

On the National Debt: “Yo Mama so bloated she makes the National Debt look like Taylor Swift’s chicken arms.”

On National Security: “Jee whiz Barack that was a professorial answers. You can Aerial Drone on all day can’t you?”

On Wealth Redistribution: “This guy spreads money around like its Kim Kardashian legs in the Green Room of ESPN.”

On Religion: “Barack Obama is a Muslim and sympathizes with Al Qaeda” (Okay that one’s not so much a zinger as it is a desperate last gasp of a dying campaign).

Yikes. I won’t be live blogging this one – that will occur down the road. Anyway, let’s all have fun tonight, avoid drinking games that require you to do a shot every time someone says the word “entitlements” (’cause you’ll die) and we’ll discuss what happened tomorrow!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Sketchy product gets Sketchier

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Sketchers, the shoe brand you buy when you just can’t try anymore, is in trouble with the federal government. The Federal Trade Commission successfully sued the company after Sketchers “made unfounded claims that its (Shape-ups shoe brand) would help people lose weight and strengthen their butt, leg and stomach muscles.” Now they owe disgruntled consumers $50,000,000, or approximately 1,000,000 pairs of their shoes that make people look kinda retarded.

Shape-ups, as you may recall from the commercials with human-giggle queen Kim Kardashian, claim that their unusual shape would make you fit by working out new muscle groups as you walk around or something. That doesn’t matter because we know it’s bullshit. I will say that I think what really sunk Shape-Ups was that they expected Americans to walk places. Maybe if they could lose weight by driving to Chipotle people would consider a product. But walking? What is this, Communist Russia? Thanks comrade, but I’ll be driving my SUV across Red Square.

From now on, let’s try to sell our quack health products for the way Americans really move: waddling from couch to refrigerator and back on an endless loop of shame and cheese doodles.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Fox News’ Tramp Trap

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Don’t do it Barack! Don’t you know how hard it is to get concealer AND herpes out of the furniture in the White House Ballroom?

Hopefully President Obama will heed my words tomorrow at the White House Correspondence Dinner. Yesterday we found out that this year’s event will be particularly spicy as TMZ announced that “Kim (Kardashian) and Lindsay (Lohan) were both invited by Fox News Channel” to the event.

Now I know what you’re thinking: won’t a good ol’ fashioned cat fight between the two of them liven up this painful and often moribund event? Well while it might I see some other more dastardly machinations behind Fox News’ actions. I would bet dollars to deranged right wing donuts that Fox News only invited these two celebutards so that they can attack Barack Obama in the future for hanging out with such idiotic celebrities. I guarantee you next week you’ll hear Bill O’Reilly complain about “The President palling around with Lindsay Lohan and KIm Kardashian instead of doing (insert lunatic action here)”.

So don’t do let them come to the event Barack! It’s a trap! Just like Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan’s vaginas…

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April 27, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Kim Kardashian’s Magic Vagina

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Like most Americans, I have seen Kim Kardashian’s vagina. While it didn’t strike me as particularly unusual at first, we now know that it’s magical. Oh sure, it can’t do card tricks and I hope you can’t pull a rabbit out of it, but we can tell that it is indeed the witches’ cauldron in which Kris Jenner brews her family’s fame and income.

You see, it has recently been revealed that Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West. He’s even giving her hickeys (or possibly aggrivating her psoriasis). But after the fallout of her 71 one day marriage to Kris Humphries and the huge amount of public good will she lost from the incident, it is AMAZING that Kim was able to find someone to bang who people would actually care about. That and that alone proves the prestidigitationeous powers of her pussy.

You’ll note by the way that her sisters Kourtney and Bigfoot don’t have magic vaginas. Kourtney is pregnant again although I doubt anyone outside the editorial room of OK! Magazine cares and audiences seemed to have yawned at Khloe’s “Oh no Lamar farted in my dildo drawer” routine. The magic vagina may be a recessive trait.

So kudos to Kim Kardashian! Just don’t fuck up Kanye’s music, okay? Only Kanye gets to do that.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 11, 2012 at 8:39 am

We must stop KardashiLin

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Jeremy Lin is now everyone’s favorite Asian American basketball star since ummm, are there asians who play professional basketball that aren’t pituitary gland tumor cases from China? I’m not sure. Either way now that he’s a famous basketball player rumors are swirling that the people managing Kim Kardashian’s sagging career want to set the two of them up.

“Stuff about me dating Kim Kardashian, I mean, I have no idea where that came from and all these other rumors,” said Lin on Good Morning America, where he added he probably wasn’t her “type”. Listen as long as you are famous, tall and don’t mind Kris Jenner directing your sex tape you’re Kim’s type.

But alas it sounds like it isn’t meant to be. I suppose if Kim Kardashian still wants to be groan-worthingly relevant, she could just participate in that stupid “Things People Think I do” meme. All she would need is photoshop and a bunch of images of her looking vapid and whorey. Oh wait! They have a magazine industry that was pretty much based around that for the past 2 years…

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February 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm

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NBC’s lame attempt at abscheumalerisch cancelled

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It’s getting increasingly hard to watch craven spotlight whores chug semen on national television. How’s that for cultural decline, Rick Santorum?

Yes, after a lot of really horrified public outcry, NBC has announced it will not air the episode of Fear Factor where contestants have to drink a beer stein full of donkey semen. The Glee episode where Kurt does that however is still set for later this week. Kidding! But how many erotic fan fics did I just inspire…

Anyway, the thing that really needs to be canceled is just regular Fear Factor. I mean, that show was groundbreaking in 2001 when people were shocked by the shallow depths of early reality TV, but in this age this stunt is just a weird mix of gross and quaint (20 Deutsch Marks to whoever can tell me how say “gross and quaint” in German!). Frankly, I don’t think Snooki or the Kardashians or anyone on basic cable would bat a false eyelash at drinking a mug of donkey jizz. Get with the times, NBC.

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January 30, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Dispatches from Crazytown: 24 hours to go, I wanna be sedated

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Only 24 hours until the Iowa caucus! If it was possible for the media to have a boner, the news networks would be at 15-year-old grinding at a dance level of bonerage. They’re going nuts! That aside, let’s look at some important stories with just 24 hours to go:

It seems that tomorrow Mitt Romney may just win! Yes the candidate who was laughed out of the Republican race in 2008 is somehow the man to beat in 2012. And here’s why: he’s so hip! Sooooo hip. Notorious flip-flopper Romney said yesterday that “The gap between (Obama’s) promises and his performance is the largest I’ve seen…since the Kardashian wedding and the promise of until death do we part.” Honestly all sarcasm aside I would love to meet the sad, 35 year old staffer who wrote that joke for Romney.

Rick “I can’t imagine what you find funny about my name” Santorum is surging in the polls! And why not? I’ve always thought his plans to turn around the world economy by, I don’t know, making sure gay people can’t own ice cream trucks, would go well with Iowa’s psychotic Christian conservatives. And now the 19 Kids and Counting people are stumping for him! So for those of you who are paying attention support from Academy Award winners=bad, support from people who are famous for having big floppity vaginas=good. The only thing I worry about is that if Santorum does well it might change his Google results! That would be a legitimate tragedy.

We’ll check back in tomorrow. We.Can’t.Wait.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm