Tampa Tampa Tampa: Thoughts on the RNC

Roll up your banners, grab your tri-corned hats fringed with teabags and head back to the suburbs: the Republican National Convention is over.

But what a week it was! Republicans got thrown off by a major Gulf Coast storm, which is not to be confused by the shit storm that was Todd Akin last week. Either way, I think we learned a lot of interesting things this week! Let’s work our way through this with a big ol’ helping of lukewarm RNC analysis, shall we?

The Crowd: I feel like I’ve seen greater diversity at a Klan rally. No, that’s too harsh: I’ve seen greater diversity in the retail staff of a suburban Abercrombie and Fitch.

Tampa: What the fuck is Tampa anyway? Does it have a nickname like the Big Apple or The City of Brotherly Love? Perhaps it should be called “The Sweaty Sphincter of the I-4 Corridor.”

Ann Romney: Oh poor Ann. She was tasked with putting a human face on Mitt Romney, which is something no one has had to do since Mitt was first put together in a Robotics Lab at Brigham Young University in 1947. Still she tried her best. Also, kudos for not laughing at all that stuff about struggling financially when she was younger! Gotta give her credit for stage presense.

Chris Christie: Christie, preparing for his imaginary acceptance speech in 2016, forgot to mention the guy who was actually running for President. I wanna say his name is Mitch or something? Anyway, it was weird to see a fat and angry as Christie denouncing “love over respect” immediately after the lovely Ann Romney came on stage, pretty as a dried up peach, talking about “love”. People actually say Christie did more harm to himself than good. Let me point out something though to people who want Christie to run in 2016: Christie is too fat to be President. I know it’s mean but that is a stressful job and he will die of a heart attack. Plus, he’s kind of an East Coast dick. You know what won’t play well at the Iowa State Fair? A big fat East Coast dick.

Mitch McConnell: Oh here’s a winner too. I randomly caught his speech, which while just standard Republican attack boilerplate, got me wondering: do we think Mitch McConnell has had a single orgasm in the past 25 years? His facial expressions suggest that he hasn’t.

Paul Ryan: The Vice Presidential Nominee would have done better for himself and the campaign had he made he speech shirtless on a nearby beach. I mean, Rep. Ryan is pretty ferocious, which is great for him and bad for grandma, but I can’t deal with his speaking style. It’s just so stilted, so “I’m making an important point now”. Really, he sounds like he’s a high school student trying to make an impassioned, if retarded, speech at a graduation ceremony (but what do you expect from a grown up who still reads the very juvenile Ayn Rand). I look forward to the day he slips up and says “you know, commencement actually means ‘a beginning’…”

Marco Rubio: Vamos votar por el Presidente Bebe en 2016!

Clint Eastwood: Umm, did someone accidentally let Dirty Harry wander out of the nursing home? His surprise speech at the convention where he pretended to speak to Barack Obama was…bizarre? Sad? I guess it’s just weird that the Democrats could get Beyonce or Oprah at their convention while the GOP gets and angry old man talking to a chair.

Mitt Romney: Actually, I thought Mitt’s speech was pretty good. With the exception of the totally unnecessary saber rattling (are their any foreign policy voters this year?) and the constant lies, I think he said a lot of what conservatives/uncommitted voters want to hear. I mean, he walked into the room looking like he had a very large stick jammed firmly into his rectum, but that’s normal for Mitt. In the end though, the speech was what it needed to be, and he may just get a couple point bounce out of it. That bounce will of course be obliterated when he debates Obama, making the whole convention (and this article) a waste of time!

Fox News holds AG in Contempt!

Breaking News: did you know that Fox News and paranoid talk radio hosts now have the ability to hold people in contempt of Congress? Yes the little know 28th Amendment let’s angry, frequently-divorced millionaires hold anyone they like in contempt before our august Congress. They just have to call someone a “slut” and presto! They’re in contempt.

Roger Ailes and his buddies will likely get to exercise this little known freedom shortly, as Attorney General Eric Holder has refused to turn over documents related to a botched ATF operation involving American firearms being smuggled into Mexico, meaning he’ll like be held in contempt. Now, only members of the conservative media thought that the operation, named “Fast and Furious” because the Attorney General is a BIG Vin Deisel fan, was a scandal. Literally no one else thought the embarassing incident amounted to anything.

Cue the Republican takeover of the House in 2010 and suddenly Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Darrell “Used car salesman” Issa took up Fox News’ unheaded battle cry and started grilling the Attorney General getting us to where we are now.

The Obama Administration for it’s part is now citing executive privledge, saying that it will not release the information Republican Inquisitors Investigators asked for in an attempt to stop contempt proceedings. Matt Drudge even has a charming photo of Obama and Nixon, that famous executive privledge lover, spliced together. Of course the Bush administration claimed executive privledge six times in eight years. But that was different! George Bush was a Republican.

Of course, being the chances of the Sargent at Arms of the House of Representatives arresting Eric Holder are about as high as say, anyone knowing what the fuck the Sargent at Arms of the House of Representatives is. Still this seems like a VERY worth while endeavor, after all, why should the committee investigating how to stop border violence be dealing with stopping border violence when there’s an Attorney General they could be arresting?

The Bell Tolls for Thee (and thy bloated gut)

Taco Bell revealed today that its unholy Doritos Locos Tacos, a taco using a hard shell made out of Nacho Cheese Doritos, have been purchased over 100,000,000 times in just 10 weeks. I mean, I’m glad to know our nation has the ample marijuana supplies to keep this up, but in the age of flesh eating zombies, we must ask ourselves if we’d be better off as a nation of cannibals or out-of-control Taco Bell enthusiasts.

I can’t even begin to describe why this is bad for our country. First of all, our aging sewer systems simply cannot handle the stress that 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos is surely putting on it. Congress can’t cut taxes for millionaires and deal with our nation’s growing Taco Bell-dysentary issues people! Also, I’m pretty sure serving tacos in a Dorito shell is an act of war against Mexico. And those guys don’t fuck around, am I right residents of Ciudad Juarez?

Well at least it couldn’t get any worse. Oh wait, what’s that? Taco Bell has just released a breakfast drink thats part Orange Juice/part Mountain Dew? Great work, Taco Bell executive chef Britney Spears. I’ll be taking a nap on that bridge in Miami, anyone who wants to kill me can just go ahead.

Please America, keep Gingrich safe

Leading Republican presidential contender Newt Gingrich isn’t going to let things like a total lack of money and the mathematic impossibility of his nomination get in the way of him being a serious contender. No no.

That’s why I am appalled by a piece today in the Daily Caller that suggests that Newt Gingrich doesn’t deserve the Secret Service protection he is receiving just because he can’t win and it costs the government $38,000 a day. Newt Gingrich is a national treasure like Mount Rushmore or the world’s biggest ball of twine, and you wouldn’t leave those unguarded would you?

Furthermore, Gingrich needs these body guards because he is such a high value target. Not only would he make a valuable kidnapping target for Moon gangsters, but as you know the Liberal Media is always trying to get him. Remember when a sniper from CBS News took a shot at Newt? Thank goodness the bullet ricoched off of Calista Gingrich’s hair helmet!

So for anyone who thinks Newt Gingrich having Secret Service protection is a waste of tax payer funds, I’ll tell you this: if they didn’t spend their money on protecting Gingrich, the Secret Service would be spending it on Colombian hookers. Now who’s wasting government money??

Clinton’s Cojones 2016

I am starting to suspect that while we think Barack Obama is cool, what with singing Al Green and palling around with terrorists Jay-Z and Beyonce, he might actually just be cool for being a President. Millard Filmore did not set the bar that high.

In recent weeks though it has become apparent that Hillary Clinton is so cool she now wields it as a formidable diplomacy tool. Two weeks ago Hillary became an internet star with the Texts from Hillary Clinton Tumblr which celebrated the well known fact that Hillary is the HBIC – Head Bitch In Charge. Sec. Clinton was even baller enough to appear on the site and literally shut it down with her awesomness.  

Hillary Clinton’s coolness reached new heights the weekend however when she defused an international incident. On saturday it was revealed that while doing advance work for Obama’s trip to Cartagena this week, a Secret Service agent got in a fight with a Colombian prostitute who he refused to pay for her secret services. Major international incident, right? This is why you always tip people. Anyway, here’s comes Hillary Clinton to the rescue, saving face for the U.S. by going out the night the scandal broke to dance to Latin music and drink beer. Ugh Madame Secretary! Why won’t you come to my birthday party???

So yeah, I’m thinking it’s time to start a “Hillary Clinton’s Cojones 2016” campaign.

Stock It In Me: Reptile Steaks

In this new feature, the economic desk at EPM will give advice on the hottest stocks to keep your portfolio humming and get you everything a rich person could want, like a cashmere mustache warmer and a Scooby Doo themed private train car.

This tip comes from sunny Puerto Rico, where officials have proposed a plan to eradicate the islands ferile Iguana population. It seems that at some point in the 1970s Puerto Rican pet owners released a number of Iguana’s into the wild, probably after discovering that reptiles are incapable of love and want nothing more than to eat the corpse of their owner, and now the population is out of control.

Well, to deal with this epidemic and boost Puerto Rico’s economy (cue my grandfather saying “what taking our hubcaps doesn’t bring in enough cash?”), the government in San Juan will encourage the sale of delicious iguana meat to the mainland United States. Yes, once Americans get a taste of that silky sweet flesh it’s only a matter of time til Arby’s switches from their signature roast beef (which is actually made of Siamese Monitor Lizard) to delicious iguana meat.

So buy stock in Iguana’s now! I’m pretty sure that they’re the new craisens.

Congress passes legislation all over itself, the sheets

I’ve suddenly realized why Congress is full of such angry angry people. You know how abstaining from, umm, the more carnal pleasures eventually makes one antsy, high strung and generally frustrated? And, ya know, also is the basis behind all the thinking of the Catholic church? Well that’s how the House and Senate feel, as like a horny 16 year old on a month long family camping trip they haven’t shot their legislative wad.

But today they did! The House just passed a long-delayed free trade pact with Colombia that’s on its way to certain victory in the Senate. Isn’t that so weird? The Congress is…doing something. Oh sure their not as good as they used to be, but damn does it feel good to LEGISLATE.

Wooo! I need a cigarette…

Twitterlomaniacs

You know what rots celebrities minds even worse than drugs and Blackberry radiation? Twitter. The website, seemingly designed for people who are desperate for attention, is just making annoying celebrities go from bad to worse.

First, Kanye West after what felt like decades of not being on the site, has finally got himself a Twitter account. On his first day he tweeted over 50 posts, which means I guess that giving that charming-yet-vicious-self promoter Kanye West access to Twitter is a bit like giving Ahmedinejad a nuke: something you will deeply regret.

But that’s only garden variety celebrity craziness. Frequent Twitter-er and shaman Wyclef Jean will announce today on Larry King that he is running for President of his native Haiti. Well it’s nice that he’ll be making that announcement to 1/10,000th the audience of Fox News instead of tweeting. Did Twitter inflate his ego so much he wants to be a president? Perhaps. We’ll just have to wait to see if Lauryn Hill announces she’s running for president of the Sacred Afrotastic Goddess Republic of her garage.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if the modern media freaks out everytime Khloe Kardashian takes a shit, Twitter can only serve to reinforce the idea that each action of a celebrity is exceptional, when it’s not. That’s why I’m voting for President Pras.