E PLURIBUS MORON

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The Bell Tolls for Thee (and thy bloated gut)

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Taco Bell revealed today that its unholy Doritos Locos Tacos, a taco using a hard shell made out of Nacho Cheese Doritos, have been purchased over 100,000,000 times in just 10 weeks. I mean, I’m glad to know our nation has the ample marijuana supplies to keep this up, but in the age of flesh eating zombies, we must ask ourselves if we’d be better off as a nation of cannibals or out-of-control Taco Bell enthusiasts.

I can’t even begin to describe why this is bad for our country. First of all, our aging sewer systems simply cannot handle the stress that 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos is surely putting on it. Congress can’t cut taxes for millionaires and deal with our nation’s growing Taco Bell-dysentary issues people! Also, I’m pretty sure serving tacos in a Dorito shell is an act of war against Mexico. And those guys don’t fuck around, am I right residents of Ciudad Juarez?

Well at least it couldn’t get any worse. Oh wait, what’s that? Taco Bell has just released a breakfast drink thats part Orange Juice/part Mountain Dew? Great work, Taco Bell executive chef Britney Spears. I’ll be taking a nap on that bridge in Miami, anyone who wants to kill me can just go ahead.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 4, 2012 at 4:53 pm

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