E PLURIBUS MORON

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Posts Tagged ‘Chris Christie

Tampa Tampa Tampa: Thoughts on the RNC

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Roll up your banners, grab your tri-corned hats fringed with teabags and head back to the suburbs: the Republican National Convention is over.

But what a week it was! Republicans got thrown off by a major Gulf Coast storm, which is not to be confused by the shit storm that was Todd Akin last week. Either way, I think we learned a lot of interesting things this week! Let’s work our way through this with a big ol’ helping of lukewarm RNC analysis, shall we?

The Crowd: I feel like I’ve seen greater diversity at a Klan rally. No, that’s too harsh: I’ve seen greater diversity in the retail staff of a suburban Abercrombie and Fitch.

Tampa: What the fuck is Tampa anyway? Does it have a nickname like the Big Apple or The City of Brotherly Love? Perhaps it should be called “The Sweaty Sphincter of the I-4 Corridor.”

Ann Romney: Oh poor Ann. She was tasked with putting a human face on Mitt Romney, which is something no one has had to do since Mitt was first put together in a Robotics Lab at Brigham Young University in 1947. Still she tried her best. Also, kudos for not laughing at all that stuff about struggling financially when she was younger! Gotta give her credit for stage presense.

Chris Christie: Christie, preparing for his imaginary acceptance speech in 2016, forgot to mention the guy who was actually running for President. I wanna say his name is Mitch or something? Anyway, it was weird to see a fat and angry as Christie denouncing “love over respect” immediately after the lovely Ann Romney came on stage, pretty as a dried up peach, talking about “love”. People actually say Christie did more harm to himself than good. Let me point out something though to people who want Christie to run in 2016: Christie is too fat to be President. I know it’s mean but that is a stressful job and he will die of a heart attack. Plus, he’s kind of an East Coast dick. You know what won’t play well at the Iowa State Fair? A big fat East Coast dick.

Mitch McConnell: Oh here’s a winner too. I randomly caught his speech, which while just standard Republican attack boilerplate, got me wondering: do we think Mitch McConnell has had a single orgasm in the past 25 years? His facial expressions suggest that he hasn’t.

Paul Ryan: The Vice Presidential Nominee would have done better for himself and the campaign had he made he speech shirtless on a nearby beach. I mean, Rep. Ryan is pretty ferocious, which is great for him and bad for grandma, but I can’t deal with his speaking style. It’s just so stilted, so “I’m making an important point now”. Really, he sounds like he’s a high school student trying to make an impassioned, if retarded, speech at a graduation ceremony (but what do you expect from a grown up who still reads the very juvenile Ayn Rand). I look forward to the day he slips up and says “you know, commencement actually means ‘a beginning’…”

Marco Rubio: Vamos votar por el Presidente Bebe en 2016!

Clint Eastwood: Umm, did someone accidentally let Dirty Harry wander out of the nursing home? His surprise speech at the convention where he pretended to speak to Barack Obama was…bizarre? Sad? I guess it’s just weird that the Democrats could get Beyonce or Oprah at their convention while the GOP gets and angry old man talking to a chair.

Mitt Romney: Actually, I thought Mitt’s speech was pretty good. With the exception of the totally unnecessary saber rattling (are their any foreign policy voters this year?) and the constant lies, I think he said a lot of what conservatives/uncommitted voters want to hear. I mean, he walked into the room looking like he had a very large stick jammed firmly into his rectum, but that’s normal for Mitt. In the end though, the speech was what it needed to be, and he may just get a couple point bounce out of it. That bounce will of course be obliterated when he debates Obama, making the whole convention (and this article) a waste of time!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 31, 2012 at 10:56 am

I got yuh good guhvuhnance right here!

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In what might be the strangest news out of New Jersey since Chris Christie was spotted declining seconds, a study released yesterday found that New Jersey had the least corrupt state government in the country.

State Comptroller Pat Scioffigliano-Rodriguez-Moskowitz-Rodriguez appeared before the media with a black eye and a thumbless hand in a cast, praising the news saying “We are so proud today that our ~coughs up blood~ state is now free of corruption. In addition, please do not tell my wife that I love her as this ranking was made WITHOUT anyone burying any of my colleagues alive in cement.”

So how has New Jersey managed to do such a fine job of cleaning their act up? It certainly didn’t bribe its way into a lack of corruption with a truck-load full of stolen cigarettes if that’s what you’re suggesting! Rather the Garden State got their corruption down with good old fashioned “increased transparency” and “new ethics rules” in both State government and the governance of other important New Jersey organizations like the Teamsters, the Latin Kings, the Cosa Nostra, the Crips and of course Uncle Morty and his sheisty friends.

I feel as clean as though I had just bathed in the Ramapo River (note: under no circumstances should you enter the Ramapo River unless you are conducting a study of the effect of superfund sites on abandoned shopping carts).

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March 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Tweenmander in Chief

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As the primary season draws closer and closer, candidates will soon be fighting for the key endorsement of Gov. Chris Christie. But as we learned recently, Gov. Christie gave some advice to New Jersey sixth grader Zach Martini about how he could win his student council election; unfortunately, despite Christie advice and endorsement Martini lost. Who knew that have Christie as an obese hectoring political fairy godmother wouldn’t work? 

However, I’d like to point out that there is a major upside to this story: For you see, with no electoral experience, close ties with Chris Christie and since he hasn’t even gone on a class field trip to the Air and Space Museum, Zach Martini can claim the true Washington D.C.-outsider political cred that will rocket him to the front of GOP Presidential Candidate pack. Watch out Herman Cain! You may have a seventh grade undertstanding of world politics and economics, but this kid has a SIXTH grade understanding. Republican primary voters are gonna love that!

Martini’s only stumbling block? Whether or not to institute mandatory vaccinations for cooties. Well that and all the awkward boners he is sure to get towards the end of his first term in office. That is going to make speaking at the UN a hilariously embarrasing proposition…

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October 10, 2011 at 10:42 am

Sarah Palin crushes my dreams yet again

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Sarah Palin, the Queen of White People/The only thing keeping noted Jewmosexual and Bravo VP Andy Cohen from raping the Constitution, has announced she is not running for President. Then, to hide her shame she went and killed Steve Jobs. Ohhhh not funny and not fair to a genius like…Steve Jobs.

But seriously it is a little sad that she isn’t going to run. Think what juicy stuff we’re gonna miss! It’s probably important to note that while Chris Christie was forced to announce he wasn’t running like 100 times before Republicans stopped begging him to run, I bet no one is going to do that for Sarah Palin. I mean she only has a 44% favorability rating among Republicans. It’s like if Iran announced it wasn’t going to try to get on the Security Council, no one in the U.N. would go “oh what? Nooooo!”

Oh whoops. Was that last analogy too complicated? Just imagined if The Situation announced he wasn’t running for President and you’d see the similar level of regret expressed by Republicans.

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October 5, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Does GOPadmapper exist yet?

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You want to know how unhappy conservative Republicans are with the knowledge that their presidential nominee is going to be Mitt Romney? They’ve begun to pretend that Herman Cain, whose “Cain Train” is one engine short of a caboose if ya know what I mean, is a real contender.

That’s why the slightly more reasonable members of the GOP were BEGGING New Jersey governor Chris Christie to run for president this weekend, despite the fact that he has said no like a million times. Stop trying to make fetch Christie happen Gretchen Republicans! It’s not going to happen.

Indeed, in observing all of this I can’t help but think of my own apartment search, err, searching for EPM’s office space…Basically I spent a lot of time trying to find the absolute perfect place. I drove myself nuts until I realized that finding a good place now was better than holding out for a place that was 100% right but might never come. And that’s what Republicans are doing now: because the Koch brothers haven’t quite figured out how to raise Reagan’s corpse from the dead (but oh they are trying), everyone is looking for the perfect candidate. Today Christie is that perfect candidate, last month Perry was that perfect candidate and in the spring that perfect candidate was (ugh) Donald Trump.

LEARN TO SETTLE A LITTLE GOP. You’ll be a lot happier and more productive when you. And to anyone who questions my Chris Christie-as-apartment-hunting analogy remember: the Govenor is as fat as a house, so it’s actually pretty apt.

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October 3, 2011 at 11:16 am