E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Stock It In Me: Reptile Steaks

with one comment

In this new feature, the economic desk at EPM will give advice on the hottest stocks to keep your portfolio humming and get you everything a rich person could want, like a cashmere mustache warmer and a Scooby Doo themed private train car.

This tip comes from sunny Puerto Rico, where officials have proposed a plan to eradicate the islands ferile Iguana population. It seems that at some point in the 1970s Puerto Rican pet owners released a number of Iguana’s into the wild, probably after discovering that reptiles are incapable of love and want nothing more than to eat the corpse of their owner, and now the population is out of control.

Well, to deal with this epidemic and boost Puerto Rico’s economy (cue my grandfather saying “what taking our hubcaps doesn’t bring in enough cash?”), the government in San Juan will encourage the sale of delicious iguana meat to the mainland United States. Yes, once Americans get a taste of that silky sweet flesh it’s only a matter of time til Arby’s switches from their signature roast beef (which is actually made of Siamese Monitor Lizard) to delicious iguana meat.

So buy stock in Iguana’s now! I’m pretty sure that they’re the new craisens.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

February 7, 2012 at 9:53 am

One Response

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  1. […] this meat drought:as we recently learned, Puerto Rico will fix this problem by selling us all cheap and tasty iguana meat. Also we learned last year Taco Bell’s ground meat hardly has any actual meat in […]


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