E PLURIBUS MORON

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Tampa Tampa Tampa: Thoughts on the RNC

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Roll up your banners, grab your tri-corned hats fringed with teabags and head back to the suburbs: the Republican National Convention is over.

But what a week it was! Republicans got thrown off by a major Gulf Coast storm, which is not to be confused by the shit storm that was Todd Akin last week. Either way, I think we learned a lot of interesting things this week! Let’s work our way through this with a big ol’ helping of lukewarm RNC analysis, shall we?

The Crowd: I feel like I’ve seen greater diversity at a Klan rally. No, that’s too harsh: I’ve seen greater diversity in the retail staff of a suburban Abercrombie and Fitch.

Tampa: What the fuck is Tampa anyway? Does it have a nickname like the Big Apple or The City of Brotherly Love? Perhaps it should be called “The Sweaty Sphincter of the I-4 Corridor.”

Ann Romney: Oh poor Ann. She was tasked with putting a human face on Mitt Romney, which is something no one has had to do since Mitt was first put together in a Robotics Lab at Brigham Young University in 1947. Still she tried her best. Also, kudos for not laughing at all that stuff about struggling financially when she was younger! Gotta give her credit for stage presense.

Chris Christie: Christie, preparing for his imaginary acceptance speech in 2016, forgot to mention the guy who was actually running for President. I wanna say his name is Mitch or something? Anyway, it was weird to see a fat and angry as Christie denouncing “love over respect” immediately after the lovely Ann Romney came on stage, pretty as a dried up peach, talking about “love”. People actually say Christie did more harm to himself than good. Let me point out something though to people who want Christie to run in 2016: Christie is too fat to be President. I know it’s mean but that is a stressful job and he will die of a heart attack. Plus, he’s kind of an East Coast dick. You know what won’t play well at the Iowa State Fair? A big fat East Coast dick.

Mitch McConnell: Oh here’s a winner too. I randomly caught his speech, which while just standard Republican attack boilerplate, got me wondering: do we think Mitch McConnell has had a single orgasm in the past 25 years? His facial expressions suggest that he hasn’t.

Paul Ryan: The Vice Presidential Nominee would have done better for himself and the campaign had he made he speech shirtless on a nearby beach. I mean, Rep. Ryan is pretty ferocious, which is great for him and bad for grandma, but I can’t deal with his speaking style. It’s just so stilted, so “I’m making an important point now”. Really, he sounds like he’s a high school student trying to make an impassioned, if retarded, speech at a graduation ceremony (but what do you expect from a grown up who still reads the very juvenile Ayn Rand). I look forward to the day he slips up and says “you know, commencement actually means ‘a beginning’…”

Marco Rubio: Vamos votar por el Presidente Bebe en 2016!

Clint Eastwood: Umm, did someone accidentally let Dirty Harry wander out of the nursing home? His surprise speech at the convention where he pretended to speak to Barack Obama was…bizarre? Sad? I guess it’s just weird that the Democrats could get Beyonce or Oprah at their convention while the GOP gets and angry old man talking to a chair.

Mitt Romney: Actually, I thought Mitt’s speech was pretty good. With the exception of the totally unnecessary saber rattling (are their any foreign policy voters this year?) and the constant lies, I think he said a lot of what conservatives/uncommitted voters want to hear. I mean, he walked into the room looking like he had a very large stick jammed firmly into his rectum, but that’s normal for Mitt. In the end though, the speech was what it needed to be, and he may just get a couple point bounce out of it. That bounce will of course be obliterated when he debates Obama, making the whole convention (and this article) a waste of time!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 31, 2012 at 10:56 am

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