E PLURIBUS MORON

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Babyoncé has arrived!

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Beyoncé, who I am pretty sure was indeed pregnant with Jay-Z child, gave birth yesterday to a baby girl named Ivy Blue Carter. Congratulations world! The new messiah has come: since this means that the Kingdom of Heaven shall soon begin on earth we can skip the whole nominating process and just anoint Rick Santorum, Jesus’ BFF, as our leader.

This is such great news that I am fighting hard to ignore my disappointment that Jay-Z and Beyoncé, who seem to be relatively normal people, couldn’t give their child a normal name. Why Ivy? Is it to indicate the group of colleges this child will surely be able to waltz into? Or is it an insurance policy so that should she go all child-of-two-mega-celebrities-crazy and become a porn star she won’t have to change her name? I dunno.

Also, why hasn’t Barack Obama tweeted about this yet????? I thought he and Hova were besties. Frankly the birth of this uber-baby may help his reelection campaign…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

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