E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Obesity

Chick-fil-Assholery

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Thanks to Gawker‘s intrepid reporting, I can stand to work in the professional world we here at EPM have recently learned that Chick-fil-A is run by a bunch of crazy right wingers who donate your fried chicken money to anti-gay groups.

Now, with the exception of some Southern gays who read this blog (Hi Brandon!) everyone knows that gays avoid Chick-fil-A because it’s empty calories and those are meant for vodka (plus, ya know, the name just butchers the French language). Not a big surprise there. What is a big surprise is that Chick-fil-A defends its bigoted charitable donations by saying, in the words Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy, that they’re corporate mission is “to glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us, and to have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.”

Well guess what Mr. Cathy, I just got off the phone with Jesus Christ himself and not only does he think it’s unholy to hate your fellow man, he is especially pissed off that Chick-fil-A thinks it’s glorifying god by clogging Americans’ arteries with the fried meat of mutated chicken monsters. Did God invent the chicken? Possibly. Did he invent the chicken nugget? No. That was Satan (why do you think those little sodium bombs are so irrisistable?).

So there you have it: Chick-fil-A is part of Satan’s plan to enslave us all. Praise Jesus and his healthy (and sustainably produced) fried fish sandwiches!

PS- For further information, Eliza C. Thompson, our Drector of Sustainability and Fried Chicken Products, recommends you watch this video.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Romney, Illinois and the Dowager Countess

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Mitt Romney received a thundering endorsement yawn from the voters of Illinois on Tuesday, when he handedly won the primary there. Now all the pundits are falling over themselves to say that the race is pretty much over. Which it is.

But Romney’s victory in Illinois was pretty pathetic. For one thing the primary had extremely low turnout, with only 24% of voters casting their ballot. 24% turnout? Is that really a victory? I think it’s safe to say that at any given time at least that percentage of Illinoisians are eating some kind of cheese stuffed hot dog or deep-dish pirogi pizza.

So could the Land of Lincoln be where the Republican electorate finally decides to accept the inevitable? I think we actually have a similar example in our current Pop Culture of this phenomenon…

Some might say that the begrudging acceptance of Romney as the nominee is kinda like most of the second season of your mom’s favorite TV show, Downton Abbey. Romney is like Sir Richard Carlisle, the wealthy unloved suiter who the Republican Electorate, here played by Lady Mary, is being forced to marry when really she wants Rick Santorum, here played by Matthew Crawley. Throw in John McCain as the Dowager Countess (oh would that I have the photoshop skills/time to create that image!!) and the fact that the Republican stance on Women’s Health seems distinctly Edwardian and I think Julian Fellowes has a decent law suit against the GOP on his hands.

I can just picture Mrs. Patmoore demanding that Daisy tell Mitt Romney that she loves him and her saying “bot ees nah raiiiiiiiiit!”

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 22, 2012 at 10:06 am

Meat is Getting Beat

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Meat used to be the great uniter in America. Why, our colonial forebearers would always politely invite over the Indians for some mutton before shooting they’re children and raping their land. Then in the 1960s the hippies came along and made every lame girl in America an awful vegetarian. Now, USA Today is reporting that Americans are eating 12% less meat than they did just five years ago. Good gravy!

A lot of this is of course tied to the recession. Meat products that aren’t served through a drive through window are expensive and meat has always been a big show status symbol. Remember back in 2007, when the Palm Steakhouse had a luxurious $2800 “Let’s throw out an entire Kobe Beef Loin” lunch for two. It was extraordinary and, but because of the economy and much like someone who eats red meat too much, is now dead and gone.

Of course 12% less of a 24 oz porterhouse steak from IHOP is still a shocking quantity of meat for almost all cultures. I am confident though that Americans will weather this meat drought:as we recently learned, Puerto Rico will fix this problem by selling us all cheap and tasty iguana meat. Also we learned last year Taco Bell’s ground meat hardly has any actual meat in it.

Yes, we are indeed prepared to handle a crisis of these savory proportions.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Do you want Spicy Queso with your Defibrillator?

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You guys know me: I love a good frivolous lawsuit. Christmas music in a post-office? I’ll see you bitches at the Supreme Court! And while my litigious thirst can never be slaked, I think the fellow in the following news story probably shouldn’t be allowed to sue anybody but himself.

The Heart Attack Grill, located in svelt and sexy Las Vegas, is a restaurant that prides itself on serving insanely fattening meals, some topping 8,000 calories, where “people weighing over 350 pounds eat for free.” Sounds charming, right? Well not for one patron last night, who had a heart attack while eating a Triple Bypass Burger.

This sounds like one of those things where someone would sue but absolutely shouldn’t: It’s like getting horrible food poisoning at Donnie’s Discount Shrimp Warehouse, or having sudden liver failure when drinking at a Sternotini at Hank’s Hillfolk Eatery. You just need to learn to expect this stuff and not get lawyers involved.

If anything we should be punishing the people who run this restaurant not for their violations of that man’s personal safety but rather for violating the new laws in Obamacare. Michelle Obama should beat them with her massive and powerful arms til they serve nothing but Kale and cottage cheese.

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February 15, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Judge not lest ye be judged, Fatty

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Oh look, more fat people in the news! Except this this time the fat guy is a total asshole.

Fat Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI), who is fat, was overheard in a DC airport telling a woman that Michelle Obama “should practice what she preaches — ‘she lectures us on eating right while she has a large posterior herself’.” Wow, what a fat asshole thing to say!

Contrary to Tubby’s opinion, Michelle Obama is widely considered very fit, where as Jim Sensenbrenner is considered a corpulent piece of shit. Now old Rep. Sensenbrenner kind of apologized, between mouthfuls of pure mayonnaise no doubt, but he also said he “stood by his remark“. Well not stand, as his puny legs can no longer support the weight of his disgusting bloated body.

Looks like someone is getting Coal in their stocking! Assuming he doesn’t eat the stocking of course…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 22, 2011 at 3:08 pm

And here I thought fatties could float….

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Time was Americans couldn’t get enough of boats. Women who cry out about the Erie Canal and the Intercoastal Waterway while engaged in the passions of Victorian lovemaking. ‘Twas a grand time. But not anymore, as the Coast Guard has placed new restraints on how many people Ferry boats can handle so as to “avoid any potential safety issues caused by the excessive strain of larger human cargo”.

Now while I am not a huge fan of the phrase “human cargo” (I gave that kind of shit up when the Triad chased me out of Macau’s white slavery trade thank you very much), it is depressing to note that Americans are officially too fat to travel by boat. We can tow 100,000 ton oil platforms by boat, but not 200 people from Wisconsin across Lake Michigan.

Just a thought for when you eat those Christmas cookies. Or Hannukah latkes ~ominous and satanic thunderclap~

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December 22, 2011 at 11:57 am

(Very very unpleasant) NUDE CELEBRITIES

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With all the lists coming out this time of the year like “Best 100 songs of 2011” or “Top 25 films of 2011”, it’s easy to forget out nation’s most important list: “Top 10 celebrities of 2011 that you would LEAST like to see naked.”

It’s only natural then that RealClearPolitics, a super influential politics website whose “Poll of Polls” is considered the industry standard for tracking electoral polls, would be on top of this this “grossest body list”. For you see, today they have a video of Rep. Barney Frank wearing a shirt in which “exposed what (Frank’s) bare chest looks like”.

WHY WOULD THEY PUT THAT ON THEIR SITE? Seriously if it wasn’t for this list madness that happens at the end of every year I don’t think we’d be exposed to something as gross as Barney Frank’s hebrew manboobs.

PS- In case you’re curious, here is the official list of “Top 10 celebrities of 2011 that you would least like to see naked”:

10. Muammar Kadaffi

9. Katherine Heigl but because you had to sit through 2 hours of her “acting”

8. The mother from 19 Kids and Counting whose vagina is technically the largest cave system in the state of Arkansas

7. Herman Cain (he would like to see you naked however, ladies)

6. Not so much Newt Gingrich (although that’s gross), but rather his demon skeletor wife Callista Gingrich

5. Roger Ailes

4. Barney Frank

3. Hosni Mubarak

2. Perennial favorite and all around frying-pan-in-the-face victim, Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas

1. Andy Rooney (either before or after death)

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 19, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Posted in Socialists

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