E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Posts Tagged ‘Michelle Obama

Grand Old (Saint Nick) Party?

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Public Policy Polling, which recently made news by publishing a sort of joke poll (?) suggesting that South Carolinians want Stephen Colbert to replace retiring Senator Jim DeMint, has released a definite joke poll asking respondents which political party Santa Claus belongs to. 44% said Jolly Old Saint Nick is a Democrat and 22% said he is a Republican. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Santa is a Democrat: To borrow an idea from Mitt Romney, both Santa Claus and Barack Obama are obsessed with giving the gifts to the public (although at least Santa, unlike Obama, claims to care if you’re a good boy or girl). Plus, as a resident of the North Pole, Santa is likely very concerned with Climate Change. Note his sleigh, which has a very small carbon footprint. Therefore, Santa is a liberal do-gooder communist (he does wear an awful lot of red too).

Santa is a Republican: Santa employees thousands of elves, making him an important job creator. Plus, his business is based in the North Pole so he doesn’t have to pay those pesky taxes the Democrats are insisting on as part of the deal to avoid the Fiscal Cliff. Finally, Santa eats all those sugar-rich cookies and drinks all that fattening milk as a big “Fuck You” to Michelle Obama and the food police. Therefore, Santa is a Republican.

Santa is not an American citizen: Saint Nicholas was born in AD 270 in what is now Turkey. Therefore he’s at least not American and thus not a member of an American political party, if not also a member of an Islamic terrorist group.

Santa is not real and asking people about his political affiliation is stupid: Ahhhhhh!!!!! How could you?!?!??!?!?!! The children! Won’t somebody please think of the children!

Based on the imperical evidence and the best scientific data we have, Santa is obviously a Blue Dog democrat. However, will soon lose his seat when he is Gerrymandered into the same district as the Tooth Fairy, a well known conservative firebrand.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm

DNC 2012 in Chatroulette, er, um, Charlotte

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A week after the Republicans met in Tampa, it was the Democrats turn to meet in Charlotte (another shitty New South city) to don funny hats and watch speakers throw political red meat at their base. Well not actual red meat – they are Democrats after all – rather, they threw political gluten-free soy-based red “meat” at the audience. Let’s review the convention, shall we?

Charlotte, N.C.: This city, home to much of nation’s banking industry, seems to be all the fun and have the pleasant atmosphere of a crowded, poorly functioning Bank of America waiting room. Replace screaming babies with Al Sharpton and the two are nearly indistinguishable.

Julian Castro: Castro sure is a charmer! I mean, it’s a shame he’s from Texas and will have trouble getting elected to statewide office. But still: that smile? That mocha skin? It makes one wonder if someone out there isn’t furiously writing erotic Spanish language fan fiction about Castro, and because of that, if someone at NPR isn’t furiously preparing a piece for Morning Edition about erotic Spanish language political fan fiction.

Michelle Obama: I don’t care if the woman’s healthy-eating campaign is meant to make us weak for the eventual invasion of the United States by U.N. troops, this woman is a national treasure! No I’m serious she is awesome. Her speech was charming, thoughtful and she’s very likeable. I have to say I loved her line about her and Barack having dinner with their tween daughters where they “(strategize about) middle school friendships.” I can just imagine the First Family, eating a dinner of boiled roots and organic pine needles, with Malia telling her father “Sarah hates Shoshanna because she is so gross and says I can’t come to her Bat Mitzvah if I stay friends with Shoshanna!” Her father pauses and knowingly replies “Listen Malia, you’ve got to stay above the fray. The old, divise politics of the Middle School Cafeteria are over. You should negotiate with Sarah. Tell her you’ll give her everything she wants but that in return you get to keep the friendship bracelet Shoshanna gave you. Remember, she didn’t build that Bat Mitzvah on her own.”

Sandra Fluke: Ugh, what a slut. Actually no, it’s hilarious that Rush Limbaugh, in trying to degrade and silence this woman, accidentally turned her into a national political figure with a potentially bright future. Kudos, Rushy!

Bill Clinton: Clinton gave a terrifically long speech. He’s just the master, ya know? If I can fay it up here for a second, he is to Madonna as Obama is to Lady Gaga. Sure they’re all talented, but when you compare them side to side you can tell who the real professional is. I will say however that by deliviering a series of “if you support…” or “if you want…” lines in his  Arkansas twang, Clinton sounded a little bit like he was telling a series of patriotic “You might be a redneck” jokes. I’m  pretty sure he almost declared “If your country has purple mountains’  majesty and purple mountain dew….you might be an American!” But hey, if nothing else, Clinton successfully out maneuvered the Republicans because, unlike Paul Ryan, his speech actually beat Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the ratings

Gabby Giffords: I have nothing sarcastic to say here. That woman is a BOSS.

Jennifer Granholm: Wow what a speech. Was she performing some sort of a cappella Jamaican dancehall rap? Actually, I think she might have just been smoking meth (she is from Michigan after all). Indeed, I’d say the only person who looked more drugged up than she did on live national television last night was Ke$ha at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Ke$ha: Hey yeah why wasn’t Ke$ha at the DNC? Lord knows the girl is at Planned Parenthood enough, relying on their services to do what alcohol, cocaine and the general stresses of homelessness can’t…

Obama: I thought this speech was just alright. I mean, he hit all the points he needed to hit, but a man can only give a crowd goosebumps so many times, ya know? I will say though that regardless of the content of his speech, even on an off night Barack Obama seems 1000 times more genuine than Romney does. Obama says what he thinks, Romney says what he thinks he should say.

Okay, I think I need a four year break from these conventions. See you in 2016 when we nominate Marco Rubio and Honey Boo Boo’s grotesque mother!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 7, 2012 at 11:15 am

Elmo Hospitalized for “Exhaustion”

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Central Park, once known for its lively cultural of outdoor drug sales and bush sex, is now going down the tubes. Police recently had to remove a man in an Elmo suit who was hurling anti-semitic insults and harrassing pedestrians.

Or did they? The NYPD want you to think that they rightfully removed a mentally disturbed man in an Elmo suit some the park because he was “demanding people give him money to take pictures of him” and telling passers by “I’m not making money because the Jewish costume companies are harassing me” but that’s not true. The sad fact is that the man in question was indeed the real Elmo and he is having a breakdown.

You see, years of grinding poverty on Sesame Street opened Elmo up to the drugs and loose sex of the celebrity lifestyle. Add to that the radical muslim dogma Elmo learned from at the feet of his mentor Michelle Obama and you’ve got a furry red puppet who is one eight-ball away from death.

While most of the mainstream media doesn’t want anything to do with Elmo til he gets his act together, Mel Gibson has expressed his support for the little guy and announced they’ll be producing a film of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 26, 2012 at 5:49 pm

R.I.P. Meow

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Just like her husband famously kills terrorists and then spikes the football all over the planet, Michelle Obama and her radical fruit-and-vegetable-socialism agenda is about to be implicated in an assassination of her own. Or should I say a cat-sassination.

For you see Meow, the 38 pound cat that gained world wide attention for being just fucking enormous (see above), was put to sleep last night. Of course the animal hospital will tell you that Meow was having “multiple health problems” from its “morbid obesity”, but we all know that this cat is a victim of the liberal agenda and its unconstitutional war on guns christmas Tim Tebow obesity. The Obamas hate Fat Cats, both in real life and on Wall Street. And while I don’t have any proof of this theory, I’m still going to put it out on the Internet because, hey, that’s how the internet works.

This story is just so sad – my dreams of using Meow as the counter-weight for my cat powered elevator have been dashed. Dashed I tells ya!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Judge not lest ye be judged, Fatty

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Oh look, more fat people in the news! Except this this time the fat guy is a total asshole.

Fat Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI), who is fat, was overheard in a DC airport telling a woman that Michelle Obama “should practice what she preaches — ‘she lectures us on eating right while she has a large posterior herself’.” Wow, what a fat asshole thing to say!

Contrary to Tubby’s opinion, Michelle Obama is widely considered very fit, where as Jim Sensenbrenner is considered a corpulent piece of shit. Now old Rep. Sensenbrenner kind of apologized, between mouthfuls of pure mayonnaise no doubt, but he also said he “stood by his remark“. Well not stand, as his puny legs can no longer support the weight of his disgusting bloated body.

Looks like someone is getting Coal in their stocking! Assuming he doesn’t eat the stocking of course…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 22, 2011 at 3:08 pm

An end to Never-Ending pasta bowls?

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Have you ever been to an Olive Garden? If you have it was probably with an older, overweight relative who lectured you about the government never gave him a break (despite being on Medicare and Social Security) while everyone ate a full two pounds of chewy penne a la vodka. Yum!

Well Michelle Obama has partnered with Darden Restaurants Inc., which owns such wonderful chains as Olive Garden and Red Lobster, to bring healthier food to Route 9’s finer strip malls. Indeed, Darden is now “pledging to cut calories and sodium in its meals by 10 percent by 2016”. By 2016? Listen if you make “food” that can’t immediately be made healthier chances are five years of scientific breaththroughs won’t help.

Okay so yeah reducing calories and sodium are noble goals, but there is an essential problem here: massive portions of fried shrimp and pasta carbonara can never be made healthy. One fatty meal won’t kill you–neither will one cigarette. But do you know where Never-Ending Pasta Bowls end? IN YOUR PLUS SIZED GRAVE.

It’s best to avoid these places all together, if not for you waistline, then because they are miserably depressing. Seriously, spend 5 minutes in an Olive Garden and tell me you aren’t worried about the fate of this nation. I dare you. 

PS-Don’t call me a snob either because girrrrrrl Red Lobster is expensive!

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 15, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Cereal political offenders

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As the time-bomb-with-an-obvious-off-switch known as the debt ceiling races towards explosion, House Republicans have boldly proposed a plan that is as meaningless policy-wise as it is an infringement of copyright law.

Later today the House will vote on the Tea Party backed “Cut, Cap and Balance” Act, which would allow for an increase in the debt ceiling only after a massive cut in spending, placing a ludicrously low cap on that spending and pass a balanced budget amendment. Man those people must really enjoy that Congressional air-conditioning to waste their time on that unrealistic bullshit that will both never pass the Senate and would be vetoed by President Obama.

But wait! Something about “Cut, Cap and Balance” sounds familiar to me: oh my god the Tea Baggers just ripped off beloved cereal spokesmen Snap, Crackle and Pop! This is a terrible idea because as we all know children hate federal budget related cereals. Why do you think “Special (Interests) K” and “Dennis Kucinich’s Lucky Charms” failed so badly? Because even if you stuff it with marshmallows and chocolate kids do not appreciate the intricacies of federal budget negotiations.

So stop trying to piggy back off of a popular cereal with your wackadoo partisan non-sense Tea Party! You’ve already ruined tea and we’ll be damned if you take down the rest of our balanced breakfasts (balance breakfasts being Michelle Obama’s plot to impose socialism on our children’s blood sugar levels).

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

July 19, 2011 at 8:49 am