E PLURIBUS MORON

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Posts Tagged ‘Current idiots

Trying to Finagle a Secretary named Hagel

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President Barack Obama has announced that Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel, the 18th century philosopher, is his next choice for Secretary of Defense. Perhaps it was Hegel’s groundbreaking work on Dialetical Sublation and Epistimological Historicism that impressed the President enough to nominate him for this important post.

Oh, actually, after doing a little more research, it appears that Pres. Obama has nominated former Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense. My apologies. Anyway, Hagel is a Republican who has become increasingly centrist over the years (or maybe he’s held the same positions as his party has lurched farther to the right – it’s hard to tell), and is thus likely to face doggedy criticism from the Right during his confirmation process.

So what are conservatives planning to unload on this decorated Vietnam Vet (editor’s note: insert gay sex joke here)?

First of all, the GOP is convinced Hagel, like spicy food, is no friend of the Jewish people. Several years ago he inartfully referred to the power of the “Jewish Lobby” in an interview and now Sheldon Adelson and a bunch of Evangelicals are basically conspiring to have the Mossad kidnap Hagel and hold him for crimes against humanity in the Negev desert. As a Jew that pro-active search for imaginary anti-Semitism makes me proud.

Secondly, Republicans are accusing Hagel of being a homophobe. Back in 1997 (when progressive gay politics was mostly about convincing people that watching Will and Grace was not a sin), Hagel said Pres. Clinton’s openly gay nominee for ambassador to Luxembourg was unqualified for the post because of his sexuality. Hagel has since apologized for that too, both because it was insensitive and untrue – almost no country in Europe is gayer than Luxembourg. More importantly, since when have the Republicans cared about gay rights? As far as I can tell this is like wolves howling about the civil rights of sheep.

But the real reason Hagel, who as a wounded combat veteran is less than thrilled with the use of military force, terrifies the GOP is because as Secretary of Defense he might, just maybe, cut or freeze the defense budget. You see, the only spending the Right approves of is military spending, and a Secretary of Defense who doesn’t want to spend $40 billion on invisible helicopters and tank-mounted chocolate fountains and other shit like that is a threat to the GOP and their corporate masters.

Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist on this or anything. I’ll leave that up to this guy

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 8, 2013 at 5:41 pm

Al Jazeera Gores Glenn Beck

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It’s just as adult Glenn Beck and teenage Glenn Beck suspected all along: American liberals and Radical muslims are collaborating and nobody likes Glenn Beck.

I’m referring to the news today that Al Jazeera has inked a deal to purchase Current TV, a really depressing liberal cable television channel own by some guy named Al Gore. Al Jazeera, being owned by people in Qatar, is clearly a terrorist front and this deal is a fraud. More importantly though, who is this “Al Gore”? Is he like “Al Qaeda” or “Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade”? How did this mullah get a hold of television station in the first place?

This news comes as we also learn that Glenn Beck attempted to purchase Current TV earlier this year, but was rebuffed because he’s insane. I mean because Al Jazeera offered a better deal. Sure, Al Jazeera is a highly respected news organization, but unlike Glenn Beck it has its own brand of jeans. That sounds like a tough choice to me.

In the end though, it seems that given the choice between Al Jazeera’s grizzly Syrian Civil War footage and anything having to do with Glenn Beck, Al Gore went with Al Jazeera. Strange.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 3, 2013 at 5:15 pm

The 112th Congress: Bang and Whimper

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WORST CONGRESS EVER.

Seriously, the 112th Congress came to a close today and as we have learned it was the least productive congress in over half a century. That might be the silver lining for this Tea Party dominated Congress – its complete inability to do anything but rename post offices kept the United States from returning to the gold standard or nuking the UN’s Headquarters.

Of course, no one leaves this Congress smelling worse than America’s cat-herd in chief, John Boehner. Even Mitt Romney looks like a skilled politician compared to Boehner, who managed mostly to shepherd his caucus from one PR disaster to another. Indeed, given the mix of out-sized personalities and demented, self-destructive tendencies of the Tea Partier that dominated this Congress, the 112th would have been better run by Kardashian Momager Kris Jenner than John Boehner. At least we could have gotten a signature fragrance out of it!

The recent deal to avert the Fiscal Cliff was really the cherry on top though. Ezra Klein suggested today in Bloomberg that this Congress was like “Wile E. Coyote with his endless supply of Acme products” and when the Republican leadership “set a trap, the only sure bet was that it would explode in its collective face,” which is exactly how the fiscal cliff played out. Republicans got nothing they wanted and nearly all the blame. And, best of all, in the process Boehner managed to tell his negotiating partner Sen. Harry Reid to “go fuck himself” (Republicans have a long tradition of telling Democrats to go fuck themselves. Most recently, we saw Vice President Dick Cheney engaged Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) in this time-honored tradition, which dates back to 1894 when Sen. Henry Cabot Lodge (R-MA) told Sen. Zebulon Vance (D-NC) to “sally forth and thus unto himself perform the dubious act of self-coitous.”)

So this is how our first ever Tea Party dominated Congress is going out: not with a bang, but with a whimper. The Fiscal Cliff deal kicked the can of spending cuts and the debt ceiling down the road (allowing for ~hooray~ another spending crisis!) and a lot of these fools like Allen West can say they spent their one term in Congress accomplishing little more than savaging small amounts of discretionary spending and, umm, letting taxes go up?

113th Congress, you couldn’t have come any sooner…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

January 3, 2013 at 4:43 pm

Finally, a Bi-Partisan Gun Control Solution

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While our nation is (somewhat) divided by what new gun control measures we should take in the wake of the Newtown School Massacre, there is at least one bright spot on our fractured horizon: the deportation of loudmouth CNN Anchor Piers Morgan. Politico is reporting that over 65,000 people have signed a new user-created petition on Whitehouse.org accusing Morgan of engaging in “a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment,” on a recent episode of his show. The petition demands that “Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.” This petition of course demonstrates the widely held belief that the Second Amendment is, like, a billion times more important than the First Amendment and the legally sound principle that the United States Constitution applies to non-citizens (it is the best Constitution after all – that’s why foreigners want to destroy its awesomeness).

And while this might sound like some conservative internet bullshit and an abuse of the White House’s public petitioning system, I think a lot of liberals could get behind this! Morgan is known for his obnoxious, smug style of interviewing and low rating ratings. Indeed, watching his show is one of those myriad tortures associated with a delay at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.

So I deport away! Thanks to global warming, putting the banished on an ice float and sending them to their doom is more economic than EVER.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 26, 2012 at 10:13 am

N(aturally) R(epellent) A(ssholes)

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So after a week of radio silence the NRA has finally issued a statement about the Newtown Massacre. True to form, they proved why freedom of speech is our most deeply annoying constitutional right. Wayne LaPierre, the group’s president, called for armed guards in our nation’s schools, saying “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” That statement alone seems to prove that Wayne LaPierre has suffered some sort of traumatic brain injury, reducing his reasoning capacity and therefore his political reasoning skills to those of a 7 year old (ya know, like the age that those kids who sadly weren’t armed were when they were mowed down with a semi-automatic rifle that LaPierre fought to keep legal).

But let’s piece this out: who, pray tell, would the NRA have serve as our matriculated mercenaries? Why “retired police and military” of course! And if you think using aged police officers and Vietnam vets to protect our children with guns is a bad idea, well then clearly the NRA thinks you ought to go straight to hell.

The NRA in it’s present form is closer to a terrorist group than a lobbying group. Can they lose their non-profit status as part of any gun control reform? Removing the people who ensure we have horrible gun laws has got to be at least as important as removing the guns themselves….

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

The House GOP: America’s Legislative Kidney Stones

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Pity poor John Boehner: all those hours spent in a tanning booth and he still can’t get anyone to believe he’s the Grand Pumpkin! Or an effective Speaker of the House for that matter…

Ol’ Blubberin’ Boehner had an epic fail last night, as his “Plan B” to avoid the Fiscal Cliff was yanked from the House floor for lack of Republican support. Youch. Isn’t the job of a Majority Leader to, umm, lead the majority? You can’t just sit back and wait for that 3rd in line of succession thing to kick in, praying for a nasty bit of food poisoning at a state dinner or something.

Boehner’s plan, which was pretty tepid to begin with, crashed and burned yesterday because Boehner simply has no idea how to corral the lunatic fringe which is now dominating his party. And this isn’t the first time either: remember the Debt Ceiling debacle? Boehner couldn’t get anything done then, either. Seriously, John Boehner can’t pass ANYTHING. He’s so bad at this shit he probably couldn’t pass a blunt in the back of  Rick Ross’ limo.

Of course, Boehner comes off looking like chicken shit precisely because he is trying to win over the Tea Party’s in his caucus, many of whom are so allergic to compromise they break out in hives at the mere mention of raising taxes. Everytime he fails to seek a broader coalition that would ~gasp~ include Democrats, he weakens himself further by once again placing himself at the mercy of Tea Partiers who essentially function like massive kidney stones, making the passage of bills a miserable, painful experience.

I hope you all asked for a parachute for Christmas, because thanks to Boehner and his little Tea Party goblins it looks like we might just be going off that Fiscal Cliff…

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 21, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Let’s Be Hasty

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Speaking earlier today with reporters, Pres. Obama announced that he has chosen Vice President Biden to head a commission in response to the Newtown massacre that will work to offer “concrete proposals” on gun control by January. As you know, a month in Washington D.C. can be an eternity, so let me be the first person to offer this plea to the Obama Administration and Congress: Let’s Be Hasty.

We need to act fast on gun control for two main reasons: first, the vast majority of us agree on what must be done. Second, to wait is to weaken the chance of genuine necessary reform.

There seems to be a pretty good consensus since the Newtown Massacre that semi-automatic weapons need to go. Adam Lanza used a Bushmaster rifle, a gun that only become legal to purchase after the lapse of the Federal Assault Weapons ban in 2004. Even Republican blowhards like Joe Scarborough agree we ought not sell this level of military weapon to civilians. Unless James Madison was secretly Rambo, it is indeed reasonable to assume that the Founding Fathers, who lived in an era of muzzle loaded single-fire muskets, did not mean to extend the protections of the second amendment to semi-automatic rifles and high capacity ammunition clips. Stick that in your originalist bike a smoke it, dead racist neckless-coward Robert Bork.

Timing is the second key factor here. We must have this conversation and act NOW. Indeed, one of the most pernicious fallacies of modern politics is the idea that we shouldn’t examine our gun laws after a high profile gun crime because it’s too sensitive a time. That is the completely wrong conclusion. After all, did you hear anyone after 9/11 say that we shouldn’t examine our counter-terrorism policy because it was too sensitive a time? No. The people who claim it’s too soon to act after a gun violence tragedy are also the same people who refuse to address gun laws in those brief lulls between massacres, claiming gun control activists are imagining scenarious that will never happen. The effect is to silence all gun control reform – essentially kicking the can down the road until the next Newtown, the next Aurora, the next Tuscon.

Let’s insist then that our leaders take serious action now. Changing our gun laws cannot bring back the dead in Newtown, nor will they end the chances that a determined madman committing a massacre, but we must agree that to allow the tools of massacre to go unregulated, unrestricted, is just asking for more violence. We know what we need to do and why we must do it NOW – let’s be hasty.

Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm