The 2012 Election is going to the dogs…

How low are the Obama and Romney campaigns going to go this election? So low they’ll be under the table begging for scraps.

Most people know about the story of Romney’s dog Seamus being strapped in a dog carrier to the roof of the family car on a roadtrip many years ago – let’s just say the dog, unhappy to be on the roof, did to Romney’s car what George Bush did to the U.S. economy nyuck nyuck nyuck. The Romney campaign, sick of being attacked for this gross story, has shot back by pointing out that in Obama’s memoir he wrote about being “introduced to dog meat” as a boy in Indonesia. The Obama campaign shot back again saying that the Romney campaign was criticizing Obama’s actions as a boy. Any reasonable person listening to this story then shot…themselves in the face.

So yeah, this election is gonna get ugly. Everyone needs to prepare themselves for the moment at the debate when Romney produces a live puppy and demands that Obama eat it. When the President refuses Romney will use it as a chance to call Obama “a left-coast elitist who is too fancy to eat a hard working American dog. Not some Indonesians socialist dog.”

The Invisible Hand of the Market cannot wipe you

Like my grandfather always said: every problem has a solution and that solution is usually disgusting.

Yes, in a time where states are rapidly slashing budgets and government services are being hit hard, poor Trenton, NJ is being devastated by lack of funding. In fact things have gotten so bad that the city can’t even pay for toilet paper anymore for city workers. While toilet paper doomsday was literally right around the corner, the People for the Ethical Treatmeent of Animals has stepped in, offering the impoverished municipality “six months of free rolls printed with a message about filthy slaughterhouses and the resulting fecal matter found in meat.” Pooping and learning! It’s just like studying abroad in India.

So I think this solution would make a great way of explaining to your idiot uncle or perhaps Sean Hannity why cruel budget cuts are bad. Since these people don’t really have souls, but probably love a good steak (vegetarians like big government, let’s face it), just explain to them that if the government can’t provide toilet paper, those fucking lunatics at PETA will. End of story.

Mitt Romney: King of Michigan, the Iguanas

All eyes turned to Michigan last night, and this time it had nothing to do the state’s many large and historic tire fires. Rather, the poisonous black smoke this time was being blown up the voters ass in the state’s Republican primary electorate, who voted last night. And whaddyaknow, Romney won! Sort of.

Actually his win last night, where he beat his main rival Rick Santorum by about 4%, was kind of anemic. If anything it’s like being an only child and running against the family iguana in a contest to be elected “your crazy mom’s favorite living thing” (Gingrich and Paul are the grouchy older pet cat and weird pet bird in this metaphor). Sure it’d be really awful to lose, but it’s also pretty bad that there was a competition in the first place.

To his credit, Romney seems to be at least somewhat aware of his many gaffes and other problems. Mitt told reporters yesterday that he has made “some mistakes and (is) trying to do better”. He then went on to say “Thankfully one of my inordinately wealthy friends has a cheap little $8 million gold-plated anti-mistake ray gun that’s just a bit of terrific. I’m hoping it’ll turn my campaign around faster than pivot radius on the caviar-powered racing catamaran I sold to Paul Allen.”

I for one am excited to see what kind of off-putting/just plain weird gaffes Romney, King of the Iguanas, will make before next week’s mega-primary on Super Tuesday!

Stock It In Me: Reptile Steaks

In this new feature, the economic desk at EPM will give advice on the hottest stocks to keep your portfolio humming and get you everything a rich person could want, like a cashmere mustache warmer and a Scooby Doo themed private train car.

This tip comes from sunny Puerto Rico, where officials have proposed a plan to eradicate the islands ferile Iguana population. It seems that at some point in the 1970s Puerto Rican pet owners released a number of Iguana’s into the wild, probably after discovering that reptiles are incapable of love and want nothing more than to eat the corpse of their owner, and now the population is out of control.

Well, to deal with this epidemic and boost Puerto Rico’s economy (cue my grandfather saying “what taking our hubcaps doesn’t bring in enough cash?”), the government in San Juan will encourage the sale of delicious iguana meat to the mainland United States. Yes, once Americans get a taste of that silky sweet flesh it’s only a matter of time til Arby’s switches from their signature roast beef (which is actually made of Siamese Monitor Lizard) to delicious iguana meat.

So buy stock in Iguana’s now! I’m pretty sure that they’re the new craisens.

NBC’s lame attempt at abscheumalerisch cancelled

It’s getting increasingly hard to watch craven spotlight whores chug semen on national television. How’s that for cultural decline, Rick Santorum?

Yes, after a lot of really horrified public outcry, NBC has announced it will not air the episode of Fear Factor where contestants have to drink a beer stein full of donkey semen. The Glee episode where Kurt does that however is still set for later this week. Kidding! But how many erotic fan fics did I just inspire…

Anyway, the thing that really needs to be canceled is just regular Fear Factor. I mean, that show was groundbreaking in 2001 when people were shocked by the shallow depths of early reality TV, but in this age this stunt is just a weird mix of gross and quaint (20 Deutsch Marks to whoever can tell me how say “gross and quaint” in German!). Frankly, I don’t think Snooki or the Kardashians or anyone on basic cable would bat a false eyelash at drinking a mug of donkey jizz. Get with the times, NBC.

Mountain Goo

While the scientific community continues to ignore my studies showing a link between Mountain Dew consumption and ADHD, chronic masturbation and dangerously high levels of bro-ing out, science has confirmed that Mountain Dew is gross for other reasons.

This has come to light with a current legal case, where a man is suing Pepsi, the makers of Mountain Dew, because he found a dead mouse in a can of their neon green soda. That’s gross, right? Better just pay him off and not let the story get any grosser? Wrong. Pepsi plans to invalidate the man’s legal claim by using experts who will testify that were the mouse actually in the soda at the time of bottling, the chemicals in Mountain Dew would have to the mouse’s remains into a “jelly-like substance.”

What a brilliant legal strategy! It’s a bit like being in a big public celebrity divorce and announcing “listen Katy Perry honey, I couldn’t have given you the herpes because I banged that Mexican whore; As everyone knows Mexican whores give you syphillis, not the herp. You must have got those burning herpes sores from someone else.”

Gross and innocent until proven disgusting and guilty, right? The American justice system works!

Perry Campaign needs to go to a Farm Upstate

Kids, please sit down. Your mother and I have some bad news for you: I know you love it, but it’s time to put the Perry Campaign to sleep. Now Rick Perry can still have a great time as the Governor of Texas chasing rabbits/executing minorities, but his campaign is very sick and suffering very badly. His excrutiating 53-second-brain fart at last night’s debate in Michigan showed us that ending his campaign is the humane thing to do.

Oh sure his campaign was adorable when it was young, running around saying it would execute Ben Bernanke and chewing on squeaky toys. But eventually it stopped being cute and this purebred conservative started just peeing all over itself. Throw in a percocious new guy named Herman Cain (must….resist…urge…to call him a chocolate lab…) and Perry’s campaign was ready for doggy heaven.

So kids, dry your tears. Aren’t you happy that for a brief moment there was a cuddily conservative who might actually be a serious candidate?

PS-Could it be that this whole Rick-Perry-for-President thing is an elaborate “Producers” style ruse? Perry has raised so much money for being such a shitty candidate, it’s almost as though his “Rootin’ Tootin’ Retard” character was designed to con wealthy Texans out of their oil money, then he’d be the “Springtime for Hitler” of candidates before finally bowing out and keeping all that cash.

Oh dear God please let that be the case.

Joe Biden finally gets a pony

Oh liberal media, why won’t you ever learn to report the facts properly? Man you guys are dumb.

No I’m not talking about the APPALLING lack of coverage in the New York Times of Kim Kardashian’s wedding this weekend (what, she is not bougie enough for an announcement in the wedding section). Rather, I am going to take ABC News to task for their story about Joe Biden that is lacking some very real and important information.

Yesterday Biden visited Mongolia, the first Vice President to visit that country since 1944 (side note: how embarrassing is it that as VP, even like in 1944 during a World War, the President is like “oooo why don’t you, um, go to Mongolia?” to the VP? Basically, they are the President’s intern), where he received the gift of “a Mongolian Horse”. He also got to meet some camels (check out the fantastic picture above).

Now while the article explains the significance of the horse in Mongolian culture, nowhere does it explain what the hell Joe Biden is going to do with a horse. Where will he keep it? Who will care for it? Can it fit on Air Force 2? Most importantly, being VP is one thing, but do you think he can handle the responsibility of such a big pet? 

I think Barack might need to send this gift to a glue factory a lovely horse farm upstate…

Little Red Riding Senator hates Wolves

Remember back in 2006 when Democrats were all excited about getting macho-fronteir man Democrats elected to the Senate? And suddenly Hilary Clinton wasn’t going to be the party’s finest arm wrestler? Well Democrats got what they wanted and it’s going to cost our nation some of our handsomest animals.

The New York Times is reporting (to those of us who were suckered into actually PAYING for our news) that Jon Tester, the Democratic Senator from Montana put a rider in the new budget compromise bill that would remove the Grey Wolf from the Endangered Species List. This would be the first time that the Congress has directly removed an animal from the List, and unless I’m the only one whose 50 square foot urban patio backyard isn’t full of wolves, this seems very very hasty.

Wolves are good for our environment! They make sure we’re not overrun with deer and elk, who are dangers to drivers at best and suspected communists at worst. It’s also very confusing to voters! We vote for Democrats to protect fluffy animals and for Republicans to punish the Al-Qaedas; what are we to do when Democrats punish fluffy animals? Protect Osama? No thank you.

I bet it was Black Squirrel

I’m not saying that Texas has issues with an overly aggressive police system or that they condone violence against animals (their governor did shoot a coyote), but this controversy doesn’t seem to help.

For some reason, police in Mesquite, TX were called to the local Middle School when a baby squirrel was seen chasing students around in the school’s courtyard; then, fearing that the animal was rabid, Police Sergeant Wes Talley (pictured above) pepper sprayed the baby squirrel. Not so tough are we now, Texas? You train your teenagers to hurl homophobic insults but they can’t handle a baby squirrel? Losers. Also, leave it to state that executes more prisoners than almost any country to solve a problem with a squirrel with pepper spray.

Now, Sgt. Talley defended his actions against the biligerent rodent, but let’s consider the fact that squirrel was treated and later released back into the wild: either this animal was released because it wasn’t rabid and Sgt. Tallet maced a baby squirrel or Texas is going soft and letting their state be taken over by Mexicans Rabid Rodents!