Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Grand Old (Saint Nick) Party?

with one comment

Public Policy Polling, which recently made news by publishing a sort of joke poll (?) suggesting that South Carolinians want Stephen Colbert to replace retiring Senator Jim DeMint, has released a definite joke poll asking respondents which political party Santa Claus belongs to. 44% said Jolly Old Saint Nick is a Democrat and 22% said he is a Republican. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Santa is a Democrat: To borrow an idea from Mitt Romney, both Santa Claus and Barack Obama are obsessed with giving the gifts to the public (although at least Santa, unlike Obama, claims to care if you’re a good boy or girl). Plus, as a resident of the North Pole, Santa is likely very concerned with Climate Change. Note his sleigh, which has a very small carbon footprint. Therefore, Santa is a liberal do-gooder communist (he does wear an awful lot of red too).

Santa is a Republican: Santa employees thousands of elves, making him an important job creator. Plus, his business is based in the North Pole so he doesn’t have to pay those pesky taxes the Democrats are insisting on as part of the deal to avoid the Fiscal Cliff. Finally, Santa eats all those sugar-rich cookies and drinks all that fattening milk as a big “Fuck You” to Michelle Obama and the food police. Therefore, Santa is a Republican.

Santa is not an American citizen: Saint Nicholas was born in AD 270 in what is now Turkey. Therefore he’s at least not American and thus not a member of an American political party, if not also a member of an Islamic terrorist group.

Santa is not real and asking people about his political affiliation is stupid: Ahhhhhh!!!!! How could you?!?!??!?!?!! The children! Won’t somebody please think of the children!

Based on the imperical evidence and the best scientific data we have, Santa is obviously a Blue Dog democrat. However, will soon lose his seat when he is Gerrymandered into the same district as the Tooth Fairy, a well known conservative firebrand.


Written by Your Benevolent Editor

December 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm

One Response

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  1. A couple more arguments: Santa only works for 1 night a year, making him a Democrat moocher and freeloader. But he tries to get into your bedroom and judge your moral character, and that’s more evidence that he is a Republican. I’m going to peg him as a left-leaning independent, though.

    List of X

    December 11, 2012 at 6:13 pm

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