How to Secede from the U.S. Without Really Trying
Breaking up with someone is a major process. Sure, ending a broader emotional/social connection can be cathartic, but it’s often the little things that make the process more complicated. Who gets the DVDs? We gets which friends? What am I supposed to do with THOUSANDS of filthy text messages?
About 660,000 seem to have forgotten about the little things involved in a breakup when, after the reelection of Barack Obama, they signed petitions asking the White House to allow their state to secede from the Union. Signing petitions is fun, but do we think these people stopped and considered what secession really means? First, they should read about this little incident called the Civil War. Second, they should also ponder the undisputed truth that rich states pay huge sums of money in taxes that go to support government programs in poor states. Most states wouldn’t really make it on their own, especially the redneck ones. Indeed, there already is a country that functions like an independent Alabama and it’s called Honduras – except there they tend to be less hostile to people speaking Spanish. Other than that the murder rate, child poverty levels and pitiful access to essentially healthcare aren’t that different.
So let’s make an agreement here: for the good of non-treasonous citizens, only states that can independently economically maintain themselves should be allowed to secede. Right now I pretty sure that’s limited to Delaware (lots of corporations, very few people) and Vermont (how much money could organic butter subsidies really cost the state anyway?). This rule however does not apply to Florida, which for many years this blog has encouraged to dynamite its physical connection with the rest of the United States and float off into the Caribbean where it will become a Banana Republic controlled by an altekaker Jewish dictator.