E PLURIBUS MORON

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The Senate Picks Up Some Chicks, Democrats

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While the Republicans spend the next year or so trying to determine the paternity of an orphan known as the 2012 Republican Electoral Campaign, let’s take a minute to remember the many important races in the Congress! Here are some of the bigger, shinier results on a night that was excellent for both Democrats and women in particular:

Missouri Senate: Claire McCaskill, whose seat was once as endangered as a drunk panda playing with knives, survived last night, annihilating her rape apologizing opponent, Rep. Todd Akin. On Tuesday, Missouri, which has become increasing Republican in recent years, became the “Show Me (Someone with a 20th Century Understanding of Female Biology) State.” Good for them!

Indiana Senate: Same deal as Missouri: Richard “The Twisted Bipartisan” Mourdock made horrible comments about rape being a gift from God and also lost a seat he could have easily won. How’s that for a divine gift, eh Richie?

Massachusetts Senate: Quick, someone grab me an empty mason jar to cry my liberal, kale flecked tears of joy! Democrat Elizabeth Warren defeated Republican Scott Brown, whose pathetic, frat boy style attacks on the “Hahvud Pruh-fess-uh” could not defeat Warren, that liberal dynamo. Her campaign for President will begin preciesly…now!

Hawaii Senate: This one really wasn’t competitive, but it is kinda cool because Democrat Mazie Hirono is both the first Asian female senator and the first Buddhist senator. Let’s hope to God they can find an actress more realistic than Lucy Liu to play Hiromo in her eventual biopic.

North Dakota Senate: More good news for the XX set, as Democrat Hiedi Heitkamp over came the polls to become the state’s first female senator (and better news for the Senate Democrats who were shocked they were able to keep that seat). She is officially the second most inspiring woman from North Dakota after Frances McDormand’s character in Fargo.

Ohio Senate: The best news for this mega Swing State is that not only are they no longer going to be subjected to SuperPAC ads for a while, but also that by re-electing Democrat Sherrod Brown they will not be represented in the Senate by the Republican nominee who looked like he was about 16 years old. Awkward boners are even more awkward on the Senate floor, right?

In other news, hateful Tea Partier Joe Walsh lost in Illinois and Islamophobic mental patient Allen West looks like he’s going to lose in Florida. I would be sad for them except that I know they always have a place on Glenn Beck’s TV Channel (it’s now #1 with the 18-65-year-olds-who-live-in-survivalist-bunkers demographic!). Also, deeply annoying leftist Alan Grayson was re-elected to Congress. Just remember you can’t win everything…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 9, 2012 at 9:47 am

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