E PLURIBUS MORON

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Ohio: A Swing State Survey

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West of the Appalachians and south of Lake Erie lies a magical land where once every four years the rivers run with water sweet as honey, the air is clear and the Americans work in harmony for a better tomorrow. Then for three years this place reverts to a hellscape where the rivers run with flammable toxic sewage, the air is choked with coal fumes and the bands of roving ethnic gangs battle each other with rusty saws and screwdrivers for the last job in the molten cancer factory. This place is named Ohio, and once again is has been called upon to decide the next President of these United States.

Ohio has voted with the winner of the Presidential election every year since 1948, and that’s only because in 1944 their votes were counted for Thomas E. Dewey when really they had voted for Thomas E. Gooey, a cartoon spokesman for a racially insensitive brand of nougat candy who promised to end the War and start a new one with those assholes in Indiana. In a less senile more real sense, Ohio is consistently the Presidential bellweather state because it contains so much of our country in it: rural, urban and suburban communities, conservative and liberal, booming economies and financial hardship. They even recognize, in that humble Midwestern way, that they’re a swing state thanks to the diversity of their residents, and not because of an unspoken deal with Satan like Florida. It’s the PERFECT swing state!

So how will this big daddy of Swing States vote? As many of you know (and will actually kill yourself if you have to be reminded again), if Obama wins Ohio he is very likely to be re-elected; likewise, it is very unlikely that Romney can be elected without carrying the Buckeye State. Real Clear Politics has pretty consistently found that Ohio favors Barack Obama. His auto bailout directly saved hundreds of thousands of Ohio jobs, the only policy which Mitt Romney has consistently opposed. He didn’t even flip flop or nuthin’!

There you have it folks: Obama will probably win Ohio and will probably be re-elected President of the United States. Probably. I’d say it’s a 75% shot that I won’t be a blubbering, pale-faced sad sack at work next Wednesday.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

November 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

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