E PLURIBUS MORON

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Iowa: A Swing State Survey

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And here I thought Ohio was the only flat, boring place that we had to pay attention to every four years. Not so! The great state of Iowa has six electoral votes just ready for the picking. George W. Bush only won the state in 2004 by about 10,000 votes, so clearly any person wiling to visit a state that’s as exciting as plain oatmeal sprinkled with xanax has a shot at winning this closely divided state.

More than just the birthplace of mega-hunks Ashton Kutcher and Tom Arnold, Iowa is a state with solid, midwestern values and a populace that’s about as diverse as the audience of the Lawrence Welk Show. Seriously, this state is whiter than, oh I don’t know, say, the rap career of 90210’s Brian Austen Green. Some of these people are right wing, evangelical christians, others are quiet polite midwestern liberals: therein lies Iowa’s swing state status.

The advantage in this state seems to lean slightly towards the President. The state has a ridiculously low unemployment rate of 5.2% (editorial note: isn’t it ridiculous that 5.2% now counts as “ridiculously low”) and commodity prices are sky high. Despite all reason and logic, people seem to enjoy living in Iowa now, and this simply bodes well for the President. And according to Real Clear Politics, the poll numbers bare this fact out too. Indeed, when/if he is re-elected, Barack Obama can now do what he’s always wanted to do: instead of politicking at the famous Iowa State Fair, he can finally present his erotic avant-garde butter sculptures.

Now pour yourself a tall glass of tax-free liquor and tell the demon that lives in your creepy mountain cabin to hang on a minute because we’re off to New Hampshire!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 26, 2012 at 9:01 am

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