E PLURIBUS MORON

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Florida says “‘Gator Done!”

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Florida, a state with a rich Tea Party movement, may have a new big-government-stickin’-it-to-the-little-guy controversy on its hands: State Wildlife officials have just banned parties where children swim with live alligators. Outrageous! Our Founding Fathers envisioned a country in which a citizen could expose his children to whatever man-eating reptiles he pleased.

These now-banned “Alligator Parties” were provided by Alligator Attractions, a Tampa Bay area wildlife farm, where for $175 the company would bring live gators (under 4 feet long) to swim in residential pools for kids birthday parties. Now, “Alligator Parties” are not to be confused with “Rainbow Parties“, which Oprah warned us about, where high school girls put on different shades of lipstick and perform fellatio on boys…all while treading water in a pool filled with alligators. I think? I don’t know the judge was very clear that I am no longer to attend parties with 16-year-olds.

Still, what a gross intrusion of the state! And this decision not only effects children’s birthday parties, but Bar Mitzvahs, Graduation Parties and, of course, your grandparents 60th Wedding Anniversary. The nerve!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

October 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

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