E PLURIBUS MORON

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Adelson hates Obama’s Latke Policy

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We’ve learned about so many wonderfully colorful figures this election year. From Prof. Squanto a.k.a Elizabeth Warren to a Vagina Sorcerer named Rep. Todd Akin, there’s just so much quirk in our political system today. Of course, not all the magic creatures this year are running for office: some are just trying to buy it with their billions gained through human misery and stupidity! I’m of course talking about Sheldon Adelson, the multi-billionaire casino magnate who is so obsessed with Israel he has pledged to spend nearly $100 million to get Republicans elected and to unseat President Obama. Adelson, who really really looks like a wrinkley baby with a bad comb-over, was profiled in a terrific piece in Politico today that I would like to share with you.

So what did we learn about Mr. Adelson? All kinds of goodies. For one thing, we found out that Adelson might just be a cranky, alte-kaker Jew whose chief complaint about the Obama Administration focuses on their two-bit Hannukah parties. Adelson said of his political spending for Romney “I’m not looking for anything, except if I’m  fortunate enough to be invited to another (White House) Hanukkah party, I want  two potato pancakes, because last time I was there, they ran out of them.”  Indeed, Adelson said that he attended “all the Hanukkah parties for the eight years of Bush … but (under Obama), they ran out of … latkes.” Romney may have very few specific plans for what he’ll do when if gets into the White House, but apparently one of them involves more potato pancakes.

However, for a man who has single-handedly come to represent the moneyed selfishness of the Super PAC era, Adelson let us know that he isn’t the myopic narcassistic billionaire we think he is! While Adelson tells us that has personally brought over 200 politicians with him on trips to Israel, he insists he isn’t trying to influence people – rather, politicians just come because they enjoy Sheldon being Sheldon! Adelson told Politico “I never ask (these politicians) for anything — never. And everybody says to me, ‘You’re the only guy that does something for us that never asks for anything.’” To have smoke blown up one’s ass in the holy land is truly a beautiful experience, no?

Mostly though, Sheldon is doing his good deed for the children. For some disgusting reason, the 78-year-old Adelson has two young sons and frets to the reporter that he doesn’t want his sons “to be teased at school” for his insane Super PAC donations. Perhaps that’s why Adelson is working so hard to prevent a second Obama term, as it will mark the first time in history that “Your father is a super-influential multi-billionaire” will become a schoolyard taunt. Damn Obama and his class warfare!

So I advise you all to read the article. If nothing else, it’s an interesting if pathological look into the mind of a billionaire. Maybe Shelly Adelson will even learn a thing or two from this piece himself! Ya know, like how the next time around he should spend his money buying a better candidate rather than proping up a bunch of losers.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

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