E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

A Garageless nation is a Godless nation!

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USA Today is reporting that just in time for those last-ditch attack ads connecting Pres. Obama with Jeremiah Wright, a new report about the state of the American housing market has revealed that racists’ favorite part of a house, the porch, is making a major comeback in new construction. Americans seem to want to spend more time outside these days, and that’s not just because global warming has rendered places like North Dakota tropical and pleasant all year long.

This same USA Today story though has some dark warning signs: while housing purchases are beginning to rebound from the devastation of the Great Recession, the number of garageless houses being built has nearly doubled. Oh sure, you can say it’s the push for sustainable transportation alternatives and new walkable neighborhoods that allow people to eschew the use of cars, but I say it’s socialism! Think about how many cherish moments of the American dream, from surruptiously smoking weed as a teen to surruptiously drinking whiskey to deal with your crumbling marriage, take place in garages! Indeed, just imagining ourselves as a nation of entrepeneurs tinkering away in the garage is the one thing that sustains our horrifying cubicle monkey lives.

Save Lady Liberty! Save the Garage! For without them we’re not America. Plus we won’t have any place to store our nation’s unwanted skis and broken lawnmowers.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

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