E PLURIBUS MORON

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DNC 2012 in Chatroulette, er, um, Charlotte

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A week after the Republicans met in Tampa, it was the Democrats turn to meet in Charlotte (another shitty New South city) to don funny hats and watch speakers throw political red meat at their base. Well not actual red meat – they are Democrats after all – rather, they threw political gluten-free soy-based red “meat” at the audience. Let’s review the convention, shall we?

Charlotte, N.C.: This city, home to much of nation’s banking industry, seems to be all the fun and have the pleasant atmosphere of a crowded, poorly functioning Bank of America waiting room. Replace screaming babies with Al Sharpton and the two are nearly indistinguishable.

Julian Castro: Castro sure is a charmer! I mean, it’s a shame he’s from Texas and will have trouble getting elected to statewide office. But still: that smile? That mocha skin? It makes one wonder if someone out there isn’t furiously writing erotic Spanish language fan fiction about Castro, and because of that, if someone at NPR isn’t furiously preparing a piece for Morning Edition about erotic Spanish language political fan fiction.

Michelle Obama: I don’t care if the woman’s healthy-eating campaign is meant to make us weak for the eventual invasion of the United States by U.N. troops, this woman is a national treasure! No I’m serious she is awesome. Her speech was charming, thoughtful and she’s very likeable. I have to say I loved her line about her and Barack having dinner with their tween daughters where they “(strategize about) middle school friendships.” I can just imagine the First Family, eating a dinner of boiled roots and organic pine needles, with Malia telling her father “Sarah hates Shoshanna because she is so gross and says I can’t come to her Bat Mitzvah if I stay friends with Shoshanna!” Her father pauses and knowingly replies “Listen Malia, you’ve got to stay above the fray. The old, divise politics of the Middle School Cafeteria are over. You should negotiate with Sarah. Tell her you’ll give her everything she wants but that in return you get to keep the friendship bracelet Shoshanna gave you. Remember, she didn’t build that Bat Mitzvah on her own.”

Sandra Fluke: Ugh, what a slut. Actually no, it’s hilarious that Rush Limbaugh, in trying to degrade and silence this woman, accidentally turned her into a national political figure with a potentially bright future. Kudos, Rushy!

Bill Clinton: Clinton gave a terrifically long speech. He’s just the master, ya know? If I can fay it up here for a second, he is to Madonna as Obama is to Lady Gaga. Sure they’re all talented, but when you compare them side to side you can tell who the real professional is. I will say however that by deliviering a series of “if you support…” or “if you want…” lines in his  Arkansas twang, Clinton sounded a little bit like he was telling a series of patriotic “You might be a redneck” jokes. I’m  pretty sure he almost declared “If your country has purple mountains’  majesty and purple mountain dew….you might be an American!” But hey, if nothing else, Clinton successfully out maneuvered the Republicans because, unlike Paul Ryan, his speech actually beat Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the ratings

Gabby Giffords: I have nothing sarcastic to say here. That woman is a BOSS.

Jennifer Granholm: Wow what a speech. Was she performing some sort of a cappella Jamaican dancehall rap? Actually, I think she might have just been smoking meth (she is from Michigan after all). Indeed, I’d say the only person who looked more drugged up than she did on live national television last night was Ke$ha at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Ke$ha: Hey yeah why wasn’t Ke$ha at the DNC? Lord knows the girl is at Planned Parenthood enough, relying on their services to do what alcohol, cocaine and the general stresses of homelessness can’t…

Obama: I thought this speech was just alright. I mean, he hit all the points he needed to hit, but a man can only give a crowd goosebumps so many times, ya know? I will say though that regardless of the content of his speech, even on an off night Barack Obama seems 1000 times more genuine than Romney does. Obama says what he thinks, Romney says what he thinks he should say.

Okay, I think I need a four year break from these conventions. See you in 2016 when we nominate Marco Rubio and Honey Boo Boo’s grotesque mother!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

September 7, 2012 at 11:15 am

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