Your yellow bracelet means NOTHING now
Usually, the only cycling news I pay attention to is the lunar cycle, as I am currently employed as scheduling assistant for a Mayan Priest and must coordinate all 3rd quarter human sacrifices. But even I was shocked when last night cycling champion Lance Armstrong ended his fight with the US Anti-Doping Agency (USADA), paving the way for him to be stripped of his seven Tour de France victories.
Obviously, watching such a
well-branded great athlete throw in the towel is hard. We don’t quite know what drove Armstrong to give up his legal fight against doping claims, but he told the press that “There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, ‘Enough is enough’…For me, that time is now.” That’s both depressing and confusing. Lord knows how many bros are going to weep as they shed their Livestrong bracelets tonight at Club Untz-Untz!
Of course, let’s not be too sad for Lance Armstrong, okay? He’s worth about $125 million, and can spend the rest of his life wandering around his mansion in Texas banging 20-something yoga instructors and taking all the HGH he wants. Just think of him as being put out to stud.
Indeed, some (my friend Selin), might say that this is good news! If a tax-payer funded agency like the USADA demanded that I stop exercising or face legal consequences, I would protest “Oh nooooooooooooo please dooooooon’t” as I secretly compiled a list of ice cream flavors I could now drown myself in.