E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Paul Ryan, I choose you!

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After months of depressing speculation, on Saturday morning Mitt Romney broke the hearts of millions of Herman Cain fans by naming Paul Ryan as his running mate. By choosing a man who also looks like he belongs in an Aqua Velva commercial, Mitt Romney has shook up the race like never before (in that the Mormon church frowns upon the act of shaking up anything – body part or otherwise).

The pick wasn’t super surprising as all last week conservatives were urging Romney to pick the 7-term Wisconsin Congressman, whose budget plan is the thing in the most likely thing to be called “draconian” since the methodology of the Salem Witch Trials. But as it turns out, the unveiling process of the choice was very cloak and dagger: keenly aware of the media’s interest, Rep. Ryan apparently had to sneak into the woods behind his house to be picked up by members of the Romney campaign to attend the VP launch. This marks the first time in years that a Representative snuck into the woods to do anything besides bury the body of a dead Balinese ladyboy.

So what should we make of Rep. Ryan? Well his hair is as dark and thick as the sky of a moonless night and I bet he smells like cedar and fresh cut grass. But he’s also a conservative idealogue who seems intent on undoing the welfare state and handing all that money to rich people. He’d also probably bang Ayn Rand in a heartbeat. Basically, he’s everything the Right wants now.

So there’s the problem: because he is everything the Right wants right now Paul Ryan is probably a massive liability for Romney. If nothing else, Paul’s budget proposal (the first thing coming anywhere near a specific proposal from the Romney campaign, well, ever) makes this election a question of choice between two ideologies instead of a referendum on Obama. Forced to stand on his own character and policies (and not just against the President), Mitt Romney is just a lot less attractive a candidate to most people. Well not physically – graying women will still melt at the site of those graying temples.

Indeed, from a political standpoint too, Ryan’s budget, which would basically turn Medicare into a voucher system that for some ludicrous reason would not grow at the same pace that medical rates are growing, is just a horrifying idea to anyone who is older than 65 or who plans to live past 65. And in swing states like Florida, messing with Medicare is akin to hunting puppies (Puppies, as they say, are “the deadliest cuddliest game”). Also, remember that while the math still favors Barack Obama even if he loses in Florida, the Sunshine State is 100% necessary to Romney. He cannot be elected without it. Period.

So now the campaign is getting a little spicier! I think we should all look forward to the Vice Presidential debate. I bet when Ryan calls for ending all federal subsidies to Amtrak that Joe Biden will go nuts, pull a huge battleaxe from behind his podium and challenge Ryan to Viljikbar – the ancient Norse/Delawarian dance of death!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

August 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

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