E PLURIBUS MORON

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Bloomberg Bans Bubbly Beverages

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Once again New York bows the the will of it’s teeny-tiny mayor/dictator Michael Bloomberg. Because he could drown in even a tea cup of liquid, the Mayor’s office has revealed a new plan that will ban “the sale of any cup or bottle of sweetened drink larger than 16 fluid ounces” in the City of New York. The Mayor hopes this will fight the city’s obesity problems.

So yes, banning these massive sugary drinks is good not only for our health, but also because the mutant subway rates are just one Mountain Dew away from seizing control of the JMZ. But does this ban go far enough? There are lots of other beverages that, while not as fattening, are dangerous to the city’s well being. Here is my list for the beverages the Big Apple must ban as well:

-$14 gin and tonics

-Bacon flavored soda, no matter the size

-Home-brewed kombucha (specifically the kind brewed in a closet stuffed with Issey Miyake clothing)

-Fresh squeezed orange juice that clearly isn’t fresh squeezed. I’m looking at you every shitty brunch place in Williamsburg!

-Any twee bullshit beverage that people drank in the 19th century because they didn’t understand germ theory

-Four Loco that NYU freshman still thinks has caffeine in it

So it seems like now on top of selling bootleg cigarettes on my frequent trips to New York City, I’ll also be selling slurpees. That’ll be $48 please!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 31, 2012 at 4:23 pm

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