Ronald Reagan: The Clone Wars
Contrary to what you’ll hear on Fox News, former President Ronald Reagan’s heart pumped blood, not pure patriotism juice. But why get caught up in that technicality when you can now own a vile of the 40th President’s delicious blood?
Yes, it seems an anonymous man from the United Kingdom somehow got a hold of a blood sample taken from Reagan and is now auctioning it off online. Naturally, the Reagan family is pissed because A. it’s gross and B. they make bank selling locks of his hair to horny conservative school girls. They gotta control his image, knowwhatimsayin?
I think we can all agree that the person selling this blood is part of a vast Democratic conspiracy to hurt the GOP. How do I know this? Well wealthy Republican heavy hitters like Mitt Romney or Roger Ailes are likely to begin a ferocious bidding war for the blood once they realize that they could clone and control Ronald Reagan for their own purposes. Think how popular Ronnie would make them at the Club! More to the point however, the bidding war for the Gipper’s Hemoglobin would surely turn so nasty with so many vile vile SuperPAC ads that it would destroy the foundations of the Republican Party (thanks, Citizens United!).
And see, this is the problem with the modern Republican party: they want the Reagan clone army, but they don’t want to pay to build a Death Star because that’s government spending. Make up your mind, Sith Lords!