E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Sketchy product gets Sketchier

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Sketchers, the shoe brand you buy when you just can’t try anymore, is in trouble with the federal government. The Federal Trade Commission successfully sued the company after Sketchers “made unfounded claims that its (Shape-ups shoe brand) would help people lose weight and strengthen their butt, leg and stomach muscles.” Now they owe disgruntled consumers $50,000,000, or approximately 1,000,000 pairs of their shoes that make people look kinda retarded.

Shape-ups, as you may recall from the commercials with human-giggle queen Kim Kardashian, claim that their unusual shape would make you fit by working out new muscle groups as you walk around or something. That doesn’t matter because we know it’s bullshit. I will say that I think what really sunk Shape-Ups was that they expected Americans to walk places. Maybe if they could lose weight by driving to Chipotle people would consider a product. But walking? What is this, Communist Russia? Thanks comrade, but I’ll be driving my SUV across Red Square.

From now on, let’s try to sell our quack health products for the way Americans really move: waddling from couch to refrigerator and back on an endless loop of shame and cheese doodles.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

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